Bump!

God, I needed that. I was thinking about the poop-in-the-cooler story the other day and just had to find this thread.

This one has gone silent for far too long. Arise!

I cannot compete the tour bonar and the Kentucky fatty. I have had of the embarrassment, sure, but feel among giants. Professionals even.

I have been reading and lauging very hard, so I figure the least I can do is share. Painful, shameful memory here.
So yeah, big party at the friends new house in the burbs, everyone's been looking forward to it for weeks. Kegs, fire in the backyard, food, girls, people I haven't seen in years...all the good stuff. The friends ask me to bring the band, we can play in the backyard, no neighbors for miles. SCORE!
Day comes, I am feeling very sick. I power through it with various medicines and whatnot, as the rumored non fat drunken female to male ratio is just too tempting to give in and call off the performance.
We get there, set up the equipment and rock our asses off. Still feeling very sick, but having fun. Whiskey is passed around, beer is consumed, marijuana is smoked. Not mixing well with medicines, belly feeling very sketchy by last song.
After we play, we decide to load up the equipment to free up some room for the party. We will load up early, them come back in and let the women tell us how good we were and how badly they would like to give us sexual favors in repayment for rocking them so hard with our hard rock. First thing I do, I bend over to pick up super fucking heavy model 3500 Hartke bass amp and Skbraaaaap!
I quickly snap to attention with a horrified look on my face, I'm sure.
Don't tell me....oh, Jesus fucking Christ.
Yes, I shit my pants. Panic.
I excuse myself and run to the bathroom to check the damage. Turns out to be fairly minor disaster, but enough to where the undergarments must be disposed of. Looking around, in my woozy state, I see no other option than to throw the offending pair of underwear out of the bathroom window. The thinking was, at the end of the party when noone was looking I'd go to the side of the house and pick them up and take them with me to throw out at the first proper off premesis garbage can I saw.
Clean up, go back and finish loading equipment up.
As I approach the backyard I hear a commotion. Hootin' and hollerin'.
Friends are rolling on the ground laughing. Turns out the dog of the house had somehow gotten ahold of a pair of underwear, filled with shit and carried them back to the party and dropped them at the feet of the his master. Much discussion was made as to who's underwear this was, with much finger pointing and hysterical laughing. The underwear were lifted up with a stick and used to chase terrified people around the party, they were ultimately flung into the fire and burned to a crisp to triumphant cheers. As you can imagine, the running joke of the night was a threat by the head of the party to check everyone for underwear. I was honestly scared this may come to pass, as I had right away denied being involved in any pants shitting that particular evening. I thought the gig was up at one point when the singer said 'Hey, you feel any better? I know you were sick earlier...' Noone caught it, and to this day I've never been found out.

Great story.

Better story......after throwing the offending garment out the window they land on some drunk chicks head. Dog proceeds to maul shit covered party goer. Hilarity ensues.

ba-ump.

Faiz, what the heck are you doing?

doin' the bump.

For the embarassing moment I make a first post in Fake Italliano. Is better, no?

So. I play the poker very much. Very early in the poker career I go to the Harrahs di Indiana to play of the very small stakes Texas Hold Em with my friend who also play. They have a the Jackpot. You know this Jackpot? They take the monies from all of the pots and put into big pot and if you have the Aces-Full-Of-Tens or better and the cocksuckers beat you, you win half the Big Pot! And the others, they win the other half!

So we play the 4-8 Hold 'em. I play badly. I don't really know what the fuck! But my friend, Roberto, he know. He find the Holes of Aces. He raise. The other guy- guy I don't know- he raise again! Everybody scared. Everybody fold. Everybody but Roberto who raise again. Multi-raises later there is the flop: she come with Ace-King-King. Again with the raise and the re-raise and soon, nobody have any money left. Roberto, with no money left, shows the cards for every body. He has the Two Aces! The other guy, cocksucker guy, he has the two Kings! Roberto with The Aces Full of Kings loses the small pot but win Half a The Big One! And we all clap and shout because we all get a some money too!

And after a while we all a get the money and the game breaks up because What The Fuck? All now are rich and is now no more Half a Big Pot to win, so all go to play a The Big Games or craps. So Roberto, he say to me, Know what we should do with a this monies? I say, Play the Pot-Limit Omaha? He say, No, stupid. He say, We should get a very drunk!

Okay! So back to Chicago and to Famously Expensive Downtown eatery! We have the Big Steaks and the multi, multi bottles of vino! And then to the bar with the Lagavulin and other things for good times. And the bartender, he no like a the look of us because of the dirty jeans and bad hair and skin like poker players. But Roberto, he give him multi-dinero! So now all is amore and all are rich! Close wealthy men, we say how much we love another. I give anything you need, I say. We clasp and hug. You name it, it's yours, say Roberto. The man-love, she is overwhelming! I think I cry. Maybe cry tears of scotch, and vino, and man-love. I love a these guys of poker!

And Roberto, so impressive with the giant bankroll of hundred dollar bills! He flash for all to see. He buy a drink or two for beautiful ladies, who blush and say, grazie, to wealthy and generous dirtbag! And the ladies, they hang around us. Us! With the poker skin and not to shave for days and the homeless clothes. And one Lady, she sit on my lap! And she smell like the beautiful scent of Lilac and Rose and Whore! And all is amore, and all are happy!

But. I am now very very drunk and with the big head and heavy tongue. And the room, she spin like not-a-so Merry-go-Round. Also, I have wife who sleep at home. The Sleeping Wife, she hate the poker and the poker friends, and the man-love! She say, You no spend enough time with me! You wanna be married, marry Poker! I say, kind of with joke, I spend a more time with you . . . but you no play Poker! Funny joke to me. Not so funny to her. She warn, You play the poker, you do the bad things. Is no good for you, she say. Is no good for us, she say. You stick-in-mud, I say.

But even with drunk and Whore and plenty of dineri from the poker, I remember the warn, and I love my wife so much! So, off the lap with the Whore! Goodbye to new-bartending-friend! Goodbye to Roberto! Hello to taxi and home and sleeping wife!

Is maybe important now to say two things: 1. When I am with the very drunk, I am a thief. Not cunning, plotting bank heisting thief, but petty, accidental thief of the lighters and cigarette that maybe you leave on bar. I come home from the drinking with two packs of cigarettes and four Bics. I am sorry! Also 2: I do not remember taxi home! I do not remember stairs or doors or keys or nothing!

Remember only this: Wake. Still with the drunk because the head, she hurt so much! Also, still dark outside. Also, knees. My knees hurt so much! Knees hurt so much because I find that how I sleep is very strange. I am on couch, but my torso only! Over arm of couch I rest with knees on cocksucking hard floor and ass very high in the air! Also pants are in bunches around ankles! Shoes are on. So too are the underwears. Then noise. So much with the noise! Where the noise does she come from?

The noise she come from once-sleeping Wife now awake with much anger and confusion! She say many, many things that I can no answer or understand. She say What the Fuck! She say, Why you sleep so strange?! She say, why to piss in potted plant in living room and living room wall and own underwears and arm-chair? Why all the lights on! How do you have so much piss? Why do you smell like Whore? Why so many hundred dollar bills blowing in breeze from open window around living room and now some soaking in piss! Why does Roberto keep calling here?

But I am still very, very drunk. And no can answer or understand what the fuck? So I ignore. I crawl all the way onto pee-couch and sleep again.

Soon, am awaking again. Face damp with damp pee. Roberto standing over with with Wife! All are angry! Soon awake with much pain because of the vino in the head and Roberto, my close friend, who punch me hard in chest! He say You Cocksucker, and Dickhead, and What The Fuck?

Because I now know what the fuck. At the bar with Whore, I repair to leave quickly, and quickly I steal the Big Bunch of Monies he set on the bar for one second! And after I leave and with the black-out Roberto notice the missing dineri and accuse all of Theft! And then big argument, she ensue! And police come and Roberto is Shown Out and he has no money for Taxi because I take it all. And wealthy and generous Roberto he walk all night, not to his house, but to mine! Because with the police and the walking he is a drunk no more. And he knows me and knows about the Theft of Lighters of which I am very sorry!

And I say Sorry Roberto! And I do not mean! And Sorry to Wife! For she watch in disgust while I sleep and then in much disgust with rubber gloves she clean the drunken pee and remove the plant. And for months I can no speak to anybody for shame of drunk and Theft. And for months I no drink nothing or play with the poker. But my wife, she still tell how I pee on walls, and Roberto, though he forgive, though he understand, still tell all to hide the monies when I enter room.

So there.

wow, im somewhere on the 5th page and my stomach aches so much i have to take a break. my story:

it was in highschool, i was taking a biology test. i knew i'm probably going to fail but i still wanted to check whether i havent' left any blank fields - it's always better to write something as there's alwyas a chance you'll get lucky, right? at this moment my friend passed me with a test in his hand, put it on the teacher's desk and left the classroom. i noticed he wrote something in a place which was blank on my my test - the "name" field. so i filled this, gave the tast to the teacher thinking "well i don't like biology one bit".
day after the tutor teacher of my class ask me to stay after the lesson and asks me with a very serious face "what have you done this time?" i look at her, thinking "hey i wasn't skipping that much in this month" and said "uh?". she said biology teacher is shocked by my blatant attempt to cheat - it turned out i unintentionaly signed the test with the name of the dude who walked next to me when i was writing it. when i realized this i started to laugh out loud in front of my angered teacher, i wasn't able to explain my self for 3 minutes. but i wasn't THAT surprised by this since i did a similar thing before - in primary school i was copying every
answer from my friend who was sitting next to me. teacher came up, looked at my test and asked "mr jakub wierzbicki, what is your name?" for a few moments i was wondering what the hell does he mean.. i looked and my test and read "name: patryk speiser". we both (me and patryk) went out of the class, laid down on the floor and laughed for good 10 minutes.

Mr Cunt that is hilarious. Perhaps cheating is not your forte'.