A German told me that it now takes bodies longer to decompose because we eat so many preservatives.

There are three types of preserved foods that I find repulsive yet delicious.

1. Freeze dried berries that you find in cereal. They're suspiciously light, like flavored styrofoam.

2. Fake, orange, powdery cheese that somehow contains real cheese.

3. Fake, diarrhea-colored, powdery peanut butter that tastes like icing.

Preservatives are probably more likely to burst into flames.