What does a man with a two foot cock have for breakfast?















This morning I had a boiled egg.

What do you call a woman with no legs?

A dirty cunt.




How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

2. One to change the bulb the other to suck my cock.

(told to me by a 70+ yr old man at a pub quiz)

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the drink.

They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside a bus station.

Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick, "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home! I'll stay out here and look out for the police."

Mick duly breaks into the station and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he is doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus looking very worried.

"What in all hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!"

To which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere, Paddy!"

Whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts,

"You feckin' idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at Main street and walk the rest of the way!"

This here is one i made up.

Q - What do Bob Pollard and Helen Keller have in comman?

A - They're both Guided By Voices.




I would normally use Odin (of norse mythology fame) instead of Helen Keller, but i wasn't sure if he is blind famously enough. (stevie wonder and ray charles seemed rubbish 'cause they're musicians). Insert your favourite blind celeb!

I'll stop now eh. Yes, i am sorry for the bad joke. I promise it won't happen again.

Surfrider wrote:This here is one i made up.

Q - What do Bob Pollard and Helen Keller have in comman?

A - They're both Guided By Voices.




I would normally use Odin (of norse mythology fame) instead of Helen Keller, but i wasn't sure if he is blind famously enough. (stevie wonder and ray charles seemed rubbish 'cause they're musicians). Insert your favourite blind celeb!

Shouldn't it be a blind and not deaf celeb (thus disqualifying Helen Keller)?

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk,
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the
door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the
hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,
and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease
that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.

On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the
disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,
have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG."

Linus Van Pelt wrote:

Surfrider wrote:This here is one i made up.

Q - What do Bob Pollard and Helen Keller have in comman?

A - They're both Guided By Voices.




I would normally use Odin (of norse mythology fame) instead of Helen Keller, but i wasn't sure if he is blind famously enough. (stevie wonder and ray charles seemed rubbish 'cause they're musicians). Insert your favourite blind celeb!

Shouldn't it be a blind and not deaf celeb (thus disqualifying Helen Keller)?

See, this is waht happens when you (an englishman) try and make things more relevant for someone (americans) without the correct knowledge to back yourself up.

Good point LVP. Just insert your favourite blind dude. But A for effort surely?
xx

What about the dumb dwarf?










He's not big and he's not clever.

Nine year-old Johnny walks in to a house of ill-repute with a dollar in his hand and a paper bag in the other. You can definately tell there's something in the bag. The madam walks up to Johnny and asks him what he wants. Johnny says he wants a whore with AIDS and he wants to have sex with her. The madam shoos him out of the brothel and as she slams the door she tells him to come back in one hour.

Johnny returns in one hour, paper bag stll in his hand. And there standing inside the bordello is the madam and the skankiest ho-bag ever created. Johnny pays the madam the dollar and he takes the woman and his paper bag into the bathroom for a quick fuck and suck.

Johnny walks out of the bathroom and sits at the bar and orders a beer. The Madam gives him a beer and a shot and Before Johnny climbs down from the barstool, the madam asks him what's in the paperbag. Johnny starts to cry; He explains angrily through tears,

"Tonight I'm gonna go home and have sex with my mom and then later that night my mom is gonna have sex with my dad and after my dad goes to work the mailman is going to come over and he is gonna have sex with my mom. And that's the fucker who killed my frog.

Dude, thats the same joke someone told about 4 posts earlier. Only theirs made sense.