LAD wrote:

tmidgett wrote:

chrissummerlin wrote:An elderly woman walks into a bar and orders a pint. She takes it over to the pool table, racks the balls up and then proceeds to carefully balance the pint on her head without spilling a drop. She then clears the table in a matter of seconds before downing the pint in one and leaving.

One of the guys at the bar turns to the barman and says
"Jesus...who was that amazing woman?"

"That....was Beatrix Potter"

i have laffed until crying

salut

Beatrix Potter was a childrens author. When you say her name it sounds like

Beer Tricks Potter.

I have similar pant-pissingly funny jokes involving Thora Hird and Johnny Cash.

I am very far away from understanding this joke! Please to explain for me, someone, please.

rysie wrote:a guy goes into a bar with a giraffe.

he says can i have a lager and a whiskey for the giraffe.

the giraffe drinks it and falls down.

the barman says you cant leave that lying there.

the guy says its a giraffe not a lion.

theemajormiller wrote:A man and a penguin walk into a bar. The man places the penguin on the barstool next to him and orders two shots of whiskey. The bartender, confused, serves them without asking any questions. The man and his bird toast each other and shoot the whiskey. They slam the glasses down on the bar and order two more shots. The bartender serves them again. They toast, shoot and slam. “Two more, please.” Toast, shoot and slam.

After 6 rounds, both the man and penguin are beginning to sway. The man’s speech is slurred. The penguin loses his balance and falls from his barstool to the floor. Instead of picking himself up, the drunken bird passes out on the barroom floor.

The man stands up, places $40 on the bar and heads towards the door. The bartender becomes furious.

“Hey, pal,” says the bartender, pointing at the unconscious bird, “You can’t just leave that lyin’ around here!”

The man turns around and says, “That’s not a lion, that’s a penguin.”

A couple of minutes later another man walks through the front door and slips in the same shit and goes to ground face down in it.
The man at the table breaks off from his champagne and says to the shit-ridden man:
"I did that"

so the shitty guy walks over and decks him.

mrdfnle wrote:
Be specific folks. Don't get decked.

diego wrote:Forty gypsies arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

St Peter said ''Sorry, we've only got room for 12. You have to decide amongst yourselves who is coming in.''

Five minutes later, St Peter says to God '' They've gone''.

God said '' What, all forty?''

St Peter says '' No , the fucking gates"!!

chrissummerlin wrote:new one from the mighty Simmo (Nottm)

A guy walks into a bar and walks right into a massive pile of shit on the floor.
"MOTHERFUCK"
he exclaims as he slips over and writhes around in the faecal pie while trying to get up.
The manager runs over and grovels endlessly, offering the man champagne, a free meal, £100 compensation, a shower and some fresh clothes.
The man thinks about it and thinks "fuck it" and goes and gets showered.
He comes down to a table laid for him and a bottle of champagne.
He thinks "this ain't so bad".

A couple of minutes later another man walks through the front door and slips in the same shit and goes to ground face down in it.
The man at the table breaks off from his champagne and says to the shit-ridden man:
"I did that"

so the shitty guy walks over and decks him.