The big thing that helped me was making sure to hang out with friends. Maybe there are some old friendships that have kind of faded over the years? Call those people out of the blue and spend some time catching up. Tea, a warm blanket and a DVD viewing from a couch can do wonders. Plus, once you get a new place to live, things will get a little better. Then you'll have your own little sanctuary to rebuild/heal. It's been said before here, but just keep remembering that things will get better. It takes a while, but it happens. Oh and remember to eat. It might be the last thing you want to do, but dealing with all this shit while starving only amplifies the anxiety. If you like apples, they can do wonders when struck with morning bouts of the shakey shakes. Be strong, you're going to get through it.

bigc wrote:

FMajcinek wrote:I am writing this because it is 6 a.m. and I am still awake, and there is no one to talk to, and there is nothing left in my stomach to vomit.

I vomited, because it just occured to me that I have ended a decade-long relationship with my wife.

We split up two days ago and I am only now vomiting. I believe I've been in shock for two days.

I am exhausted. I can't sleep.

Ten years. Jesus Christ. What the hell am I gonna do?

You are going top be very sad. You are going to sleep, eat and go to work. You are going to do all of these things while being sad. As you do them, focus on just doing them when it is time to do them.

One day you will have prospects for happiness again.

Yes, this is excellent advice. Make sure you get out of bed everyday and take a nice hot shower, get yourself dressed, let out the dog or whatever your usual routine might consist of. Do some things to pamper yourself, as well-- workout, rock out, buy some new clothes, get a new haircut, etc. Put things out of sight that remind you of your former life or ditch them all together. Basically, start building your new future immediately and make that the focus of your day as much as possible.

Also, I recommend taking long, long walks and concentrate on taking slow deep breaths. Do not listen to music while you do this because it will distract you from being in-touch with the outside world. This activity saved my sanity through a painful breakup a bit over a year ago. I walked with my dog twice a day...I'd walk until my legs were wobbly and weak. Eventually, I noticed as I walked that I didn't think about stuff as much. I'd start to notice interesting flowers in people's yards or cool architectural features of the buildings. Basically, I would look for beauty in everyday life as much as possible. Next thing I knew...winter turned into spring and spring turned into summer...and I was smiling at people passing me on the street and occassionally engage in a conversation with someone new.

I can't emphasize enough the word, NEW. Be something new. Notice something new. Make new friends. Do something new. It will keep you from dwelling on the past, especially when it's diffcult to think about the future.

I recommend weight-lifting. It will help you get out your frustration and aggression and, unlike running, it does not promote long periods of introspection. Also, you will sleep better if you're physically exhausted. And you'll be buff when you initiate the sexual rampage that must follow any long-term relationship's demise.

Difficult as it is, try to eat right and get the requisite amount of sleep. It's easy to neglect these things when grieving, but nothing exacerbates depression like depriving oneself of sleep and nutrition.

Do what you need to do to feel better, and avoid the blame game. It's a cliche, but an accurate one, that it takes two to make a marriage work and two to fuck it up, whoever might have called for the break-up.

One bit of advice I'd offer that isn't a cliche is that you should avoid talking everything out with your wife. If you have indeed decided to end things, you should begin looking elsewhere for consolation and affirmation (friends, family). My ex and I had a very communicative relationship, and we were talking things out right up until the end, but I think I hurt her by talking with her about a lot of my misgivings regarding the relationship. I think now that I was looking for her approval and forgiveness despite being the one who wanted to end things. I should have been looking elsewhere for that and discussing my reservations with people who wouldn't be wounded by such discussions.

Oh, and, don't worry about dating. Focus on yourself.

FMajcinek wrote:DJ,

Thanks for your concern. But you will not see me at

But thanks for the bit about the Klingons.

Sir,

I had a similar life-suspending experience.

As far as relationships go, I've always done better.

It's supposed to hurt, but it won't always, and keeping busy is very very good advice. And you are also correct to stay FAR AWAY from industrial music.

THX,
Jasno D

I do know the pain of relations that breakdown abates, and we get on with life; our capacity for renewal and recovery is wonderful. Those early months are awful but hurt abates. Wishing you the best is dumb, becuase you will achieve the best without wishes or sentiment. Words may help for a while. Time and recognition of your new desires will see you through. Peace.

This will seem little solace, but:

What's happening to you now is painful and difficult. But it is still a very important time for you. Be honest with yourself and always act in a way that you can look back and be proud of (no matter how painful it may feel at the time). If you do these things, you will come out on the other side of this a better person. Scarred, but better.

Take care, Majcinekman.

= Justin

All positives to you sir.


Understanding that everything is very fresh right now, these are some suggestions that I would have, for you to consider in the subsequent weeks.


Allow yourself.


Allow yourself the time to withdraw. It's the most natural thing in the world to do, given your situation. You will find yourself doing it anyway. But by conscientiously allowing yourself to withdraw, you can be in a much better position to recognize when it is time to emerge.


Allow yourself to go completely batshit for a measured period of time, like say a weekend, or a week. But set a limit, go crazy and loose all but a slight sense of time, and by the end you will be in a pretty good position to not be so crazy. And you might have lots of neat artwork or writing or songs, or a really clean place, or a really messy place


Allow yourself to go completely stupid, without being stupid. Example: if you are going to go on a bender, do it up to the nth degree. Just be responsible by giving your keys to a friend who won't give them back until your bender is over. Or allot yourself X amount of cash, like gambling in Vegas.


Note: there is a clear reason for distiguishing between "batshit" and "stupid".


Allow yourself to reach the emotionally-drained/fried points, for the clean, clear, stark and sobering moments you will have upon awaking. These moments can be keenly insightful.


You see the pattern here? Apply as necessary, where appropriate.



Also,

Get out of town. When you are able, when the time is right, but get out for some period.


Music is tough right now, but shortly it will be your friend. Of course, you now have natural enemies - I cannot listen to Lenny Kravitz, or particular John Lennon LPs or Sarah McLaughlan, and two of those I used to really really enjoy. But it will be your friend. Start with loud records.


Pick up something to occupy your brain. Back in the summer, my brain shut off and forgot how to work. From this site, I learned about Sudoku, and in subsequent months was able to finally prime my logic centers into activity. Something that you can pick up or put down at any point. This will help the neurons to re-fire, or keep firing.



And above all else, remember to breathe, eat, and sleep.


Pax,

Chimp

Mr. Chimp wrote: I cannot listen to Lenny Kravitz

Then it was worth it, right?

FMajcinek wrote:I am writing this because it is 6 a.m. and I am still awake, and there is no one to talk to, and there is nothing left in my stomach to vomit.

I vomited, because it just occured to me that I have ended a decade-long relationship with my wife.

We split up two days ago and I am only now vomiting. I believe I've been in shock for two days.

I am exhausted. I can't sleep.

Ten years. Jesus Christ. What the hell am I gonna do?

Hey-Sorry to hear this. My wife actually left me for 1 day last week, so i guess I know sort of what you feel like.