In the future you may wish to consult this: How to Good-bye Depression

Ten years? That's rough. Never lost anyone after that length of time- not even five years.

I concur with everybody who recommended hard work, exercise, new diet, et al. View your mind and your body as a single unit. Physical health will promote mental health.

I wouldn't use anything to block the release of pain. I might go straight edge- cut out all drugs, all booze, all caffeine, knock out the sugar and the bad foods. Let your body breathe. Do a Master Cleanse.

And be tired at the end of everyday. Those hours before sleep will be the worst- that's when you'll dwell on the past. So try and drop right off from exhaustion whenever possible. Throw yourself at unfinished projects. Get plenty of fresh air and sunlight- don't park yourself in front of your monitor or your television.

Good luck.

Brett Eugene Ralph wrote:

Mr. Chimp wrote: I cannot listen to Lenny Kravitz

Then it was worth it, right?

Hey, I liked his first two records, once upon a time.

Probably still might, but won't know due to She Who.

Brett Eugene Ralph wrote:I recommend weight-lifting. It will help you get out your frustration and aggression and, unlike running, it does not promote long periods of introspection. Also, you will sleep better if you're physically exhausted. And you'll be buff when you initiate the sexual rampage that must follow any long-term relationship's demise...

...One bit of advice I'd offer that isn't a cliche is that you should avoid talking everything out with your wife. If you have indeed decided to end things, you should begin looking elsewhere for consolation and affirmation (friends, family). My ex and I had a very communicative relationship, and we were talking things out right up until the end, but I think I hurt her by talking with her about a lot of my misgivings regarding the relationship. I think now that I was looking for her approval and forgiveness despite being the one who wanted to end things. I should have been looking elsewhere for that and discussing my reservations with people who wouldn't be wounded by such discussions.

This is all excellent advice, especially the part about not trying to talk out everything right away. If things have gotten to the point that one of the people in a marriage are seriously requesting a divorce, talking in specifics about their reasoning is only going to lead to added stress, guilt, and anger.

When I left my husband, he kept asking "why" and I'd tell him as calmly and nicely as I could and he'd claim that he could change and that we could work things out, or he'd get angry and transfer the blame to me and call me an unfeeling bitch, or he'd react by trying to make me miserable by doing things like giving me 2 days to move all of my possessions 60 miles north to my parents' house in a 1991 Toyota Corolla.

In the end, avoiding talking to each other as much as possible about anything other than the technical things that come with divorce was what worked best for us. After I had moved, we pretty much only talked in person or on the phone about paperwork. He sent me the requisite closure email, I told him the last time that we spoke on the phone that I'm glad to hear that he's doing well in Alaska (I apparently drive men to move outside the contiguous 48 U.S. states).

It's also important to remember that, even if the other person was the person who asked for the divorce, said partner is probably also having a difficult time dealing with the split. No one wants to admit to themselves that they were part of a marriage that didn't last, or that they invested so much time and energy into a relationship that didn't work out in the end. Eventually each of you will get over the bitterness and move on, hopefully learning from the mistakes that were made and carrying those lessons into future relationships you might have.

In the meantime, all you can do is complete the essentials of life, perhaps write some music or make some art to catharsize your emotions, and hang out with friends once you are ready for social interaction. You may have to force yourself to do all of these things and you will no doubt feel shocked, numb, etc. when you are around other people but this will eventually wear off and you will be able to enjoy the company of friends.

Good luck, sir. It's not a pleasant experience but you'll figure out a way to get through it, even if it does take some time to do so.

Mandroid2.0 wrote:

Brett Eugene Ralph wrote:I recommend weight-lifting. It will help you get out your frustration and aggression and, unlike running, it does not promote long periods of introspection. Also, you will sleep better if you're physically exhausted. And you'll be buff when you initiate the sexual rampage that must follow any long-term relationship's demise...

...One bit of advice I'd offer that isn't a cliche is that you should avoid talking everything out with your wife. If you have indeed decided to end things, you should begin looking elsewhere for consolation and affirmation (friends, family). My ex and I had a very communicative relationship, and we were talking things out right up until the end, but I think I hurt her by talking with her about a lot of my misgivings regarding the relationship. I think now that I was looking for her approval and forgiveness despite being the one who wanted to end things. I should have been looking elsewhere for that and discussing my reservations with people who wouldn't be wounded by such discussions.

This is all excellent advice, especially the part about not trying to talk out everything right away. If things have gotten to the point that one of the people in a marriage are seriously requesting a divorce, talking in specifics about their reasoning is only going to lead to added stress, guilt, and anger.

When I left my husband, he kept asking "why" and I'd tell him as calmly and nicely as I could and he'd claim that he could change and that we could work things out, or he'd get angry and transfer the blame to me and call me an unfeeling bitch, or he'd react by trying to make me miserable by doing things like giving me 2 days to move all of my possessions 60 miles north to my parents' house in a 1991 Toyota Corolla.

In the end, avoiding talking to each other as much as possible about anything other than the technical things that come with divorce was what worked best for us. After I had moved, we pretty much only talked in person or on the phone about paperwork. He sent me the requisite closure email, I told him the last time that we spoke on the phone that I'm glad to hear that he's doing well in Alaska (I apparently drive men to move outside the contiguous 48 U.S. states).

It's also important to remember that, even if the other person was the person who asked for the divorce, said partner is probably also having a difficult time dealing with the split. No one wants to admit to themselves that they were part of a marriage that didn't last, or that they invested so much time and energy into a relationship that didn't work out in the end. Eventually each of you will get over the bitterness and move on, hopefully learning from the mistakes that were made and carrying those lessons into future relationships you might have.

In the meantime, all you can do is complete the essentials of life, perhaps write some music or make some art to catharsize your emotions, and hang out with friends once you are ready for social interaction. You may have to force yourself to do all of these things and you will no doubt feel shocked, numb, etc. when you are around other people but this will eventually wear off and you will be able to enjoy the company of friends.

Good luck, sir. It's not a pleasant experience but you'll figure out a way to get through it, even if it does take some time to do so.

i agree partially with this advice. i agree that i don't think it's a good idea to talk in-depth with your partner about the relationship for awhile. however, if you are doing the leaving then i think you do owe it to the other person to give them a reason why at some point. i would rather know the truth rather than beat myself up wondering what all the possible reasons are that the other person was unhappy, especially if the other person never talked up about such issues while you were together.

also, i think it's lame to use the "i didn't want to hurt the other person" excuse for avoiding an honest discussion. i don't believe for a minute that decision is about saving the other person hurt and pain. i think it's a selfish act of control and incredibly insulting and unfair to your partner.

...yes, i have a chip on my shoulder. no doubt. sorry to have gotten a bit off topic here.

hellyes!! wrote:i agree partially with this advice. i agree that i don't think it's a good idea to talk in-depth with your partner about the relationship for awhile. however, if you are doing the leaving then i think you do owe it to the other person to give them a reason why at some point. i would rather know the truth rather than beat myself up wondering what all the possible reasons are that the other person was unhappy, especially if the other person never talked up about such issues while you were together.

also, i think it's lame to use the "i didn't want to hurt the other person" excuse for avoiding an honest discussion. i don't believe for a minute that decision is about saving the other person hurt and pain. i think it's a selfish act of control and incredibly insulting and unfair to your partner.

...yes, i have a chip on my shoulder. no doubt. sorry to have gotten a bit off topic here.

Well, yes. You can talk generally about why you are leaving at the beginning and that should be enough at that point. I just meant that you shouldn't sort out every minor problem you have with the relationship right away. In my case, I waited way too long to ask for a divorce and I had every small detail mapped out in my brain, so when I was continually asked why I wasn't happy it gradually all seeped out and caused things to be worse than they should have been.

Trust me, I'm pretty honest to a fault and I don't believe in "saving the other person from hurt" by not telling them the truth. However, there is a difference between (in my case), "I am doing this because we no longer do anything other than watch television/play video games together, you don't care about anything I am interested in, I seem to be a replacement for the mother that was absent in your youth, you refuse to move out of Wisconsin even though I really need to do so for school, and we haven't had sex in 6 months," and going into even greater detail.

I could have listed probably 50 other reasons why the ex- and I should not be together but I thought that the above was adequate. He kept asking and I, trying to be compliant and helpful, gave him more answers thus upsetting him even more. Sometimes people just need the main reasons for a break-up and not an in-depth psychoanalysis. I know that I certainly wouldn't want that right away from someone breaking up with me. I'd want to know why they were doing it but I wouldn't want to be told every single reason why at such a sensitive time.

hellyes!! wrote:

Mandroid2.0 wrote:

Brett Eugene Ralph wrote:I recommend weight-lifting. It will help you get out your frustration and aggression and, unlike running, it does not promote long periods of introspection. Also, you will sleep better if you're physically exhausted. And you'll be buff when you initiate the sexual rampage that must follow any long-term relationship's demise...

...One bit of advice I'd offer that isn't a cliche is that you should avoid talking everything out with your wife. If you have indeed decided to end things, you should begin looking elsewhere for consolation and affirmation (friends, family). My ex and I had a very communicative relationship, and we were talking things out right up until the end, but I think I hurt her by talking with her about a lot of my misgivings regarding the relationship. I think now that I was looking for her approval and forgiveness despite being the one who wanted to end things. I should have been looking elsewhere for that and discussing my reservations with people who wouldn't be wounded by such discussions.

This is all excellent advice, especially the part about not trying to talk out everything right away. If things have gotten to the point that one of the people in a marriage are seriously requesting a divorce, talking in specifics about their reasoning is only going to lead to added stress, guilt, and anger.

When I left my husband, he kept asking "why" and I'd tell him as calmly and nicely as I could and he'd claim that he could change and that we could work things out, or he'd get angry and transfer the blame to me and call me an unfeeling bitch, or he'd react by trying to make me miserable by doing things like giving me 2 days to move all of my possessions 60 miles north to my parents' house in a 1991 Toyota Corolla.

In the end, avoiding talking to each other as much as possible about anything other than the technical things that come with divorce was what worked best for us. After I had moved, we pretty much only talked in person or on the phone about paperwork. He sent me the requisite closure email, I told him the last time that we spoke on the phone that I'm glad to hear that he's doing well in Alaska (I apparently drive men to move outside the contiguous 48 U.S. states).

It's also important to remember that, even if the other person was the person who asked for the divorce, said partner is probably also having a difficult time dealing with the split. No one wants to admit to themselves that they were part of a marriage that didn't last, or that they invested so much time and energy into a relationship that didn't work out in the end. Eventually each of you will get over the bitterness and move on, hopefully learning from the mistakes that were made and carrying those lessons into future relationships you might have.

In the meantime, all you can do is complete the essentials of life, perhaps write some music or make some art to catharsize your emotions, and hang out with friends once you are ready for social interaction. You may have to force yourself to do all of these things and you will no doubt feel shocked, numb, etc. when you are around other people but this will eventually wear off and you will be able to enjoy the company of friends.

Good luck, sir. It's not a pleasant experience but you'll figure out a way to get through it, even if it does take some time to do so.

i agree partially with this advice. i agree that i don't think it's a good idea to talk in-depth with your partner about the relationship for awhile. however, if you are doing the leaving then i think you do owe it to the other person to give them a reason why at some point. i would rather know the truth rather than beat myself up wondering what all the possible reasons are that the other person was unhappy, especially if the other person never talked up about such issues while you were together.

also, i think it's lame to use the "i didn't want to hurt the other person" excuse for avoiding an honest discussion. i don't believe for a minute that decision is about saving the other person hurt and pain. i think it's a selfish act of control and incredibly insulting and unfair to your partner.

...yes, i have a chip on my shoulder. no doubt. sorry to have gotten a bit off topic here.

I agree with you wholeheartedly, hellyes!, that reasons must be given at some point. I guess I was assuming that the parties involved would have covered those reasons during the still-trying-to-work-it-out phase. I meant that it's useless and potentially abusive to keep rehashing one's reasons for finding the relationship (or the person) insuffficient, no matter how badly the other person wants you to elaborate on your rationale. The other person may want to hear it, for all kinds of reasons both healthy and unhealthy, but when you're splitting up, one of the toughest parts is figuring out what you still "owe" that other person and what you need to do to start trying to be the person you aim to be from here on out.

Does that make sense?

hellyes!! wrote:

Mandroid2.0 wrote:

Brett Eugene Ralph wrote:I recommend weight-lifting. It will help you get out your frustration and aggression and, unlike running, it does not promote long periods of introspection. Also, you will sleep better if you're physically exhausted. And you'll be buff when you initiate the sexual rampage that must follow any long-term relationship's demise...

...One bit of advice I'd offer that isn't a cliche is that you should avoid talking everything out with your wife. If you have indeed decided to end things, you should begin looking elsewhere for consolation and affirmation (friends, family). My ex and I had a very communicative relationship, and we were talking things out right up until the end, but I think I hurt her by talking with her about a lot of my misgivings regarding the relationship. I think now that I was looking for her approval and forgiveness despite being the one who wanted to end things. I should have been looking elsewhere for that and discussing my reservations with people who wouldn't be wounded by such discussions.

This is all excellent advice, especially the part about not trying to talk out everything right away. If things have gotten to the point that one of the people in a marriage are seriously requesting a divorce, talking in specifics about their reasoning is only going to lead to added stress, guilt, and anger.

When I left my husband, he kept asking "why" and I'd tell him as calmly and nicely as I could and he'd claim that he could change and that we could work things out, or he'd get angry and transfer the blame to me and call me an unfeeling bitch, or he'd react by trying to make me miserable by doing things like giving me 2 days to move all of my possessions 60 miles north to my parents' house in a 1991 Toyota Corolla.

In the end, avoiding talking to each other as much as possible about anything other than the technical things that come with divorce was what worked best for us. After I had moved, we pretty much only talked in person or on the phone about paperwork. He sent me the requisite closure email, I told him the last time that we spoke on the phone that I'm glad to hear that he's doing well in Alaska (I apparently drive men to move outside the contiguous 48 U.S. states).

It's also important to remember that, even if the other person was the person who asked for the divorce, said partner is probably also having a difficult time dealing with the split. No one wants to admit to themselves that they were part of a marriage that didn't last, or that they invested so much time and energy into a relationship that didn't work out in the end. Eventually each of you will get over the bitterness and move on, hopefully learning from the mistakes that were made and carrying those lessons into future relationships you might have.

In the meantime, all you can do is complete the essentials of life, perhaps write some music or make some art to catharsize your emotions, and hang out with friends once you are ready for social interaction. You may have to force yourself to do all of these things and you will no doubt feel shocked, numb, etc. when you are around other people but this will eventually wear off and you will be able to enjoy the company of friends.

Good luck, sir. It's not a pleasant experience but you'll figure out a way to get through it, even if it does take some time to do so.

i agree partially with this advice. i agree that i don't think it's a good idea to talk in-depth with your partner about the relationship for awhile. however, if you are doing the leaving then i think you do owe it to the other person to give them a reason why at some point. i would rather know the truth rather than beat myself up wondering what all the possible reasons are that the other person was unhappy, especially if the other person never talked up about such issues while you were together.

also, i think it's lame to use the "i didn't want to hurt the other person" excuse for avoiding an honest discussion. i don't believe for a minute that decision is about saving the other person hurt and pain. i think it's a selfish act of control and incredibly insulting and unfair to your partner.

...yes, i have a chip on my shoulder. no doubt. sorry to have gotten a bit off topic here.

i hear ya. i'm just very skeptical of people who hold back and play games to "protect" their partner's feelings while simultaneously acting like a saint for doing so, especially in cases where there was no "working it out" period. i believe that sometimes one person just wants out and maybe they don't know why or they feel guilty for their reasons so they are really protecting their own feelings and not the other person's feelings like they claim.

i just think it's incredibly arrogant to assume that your partner is going to crumble before your eyes just because you happen to bring up a few things you don't like about them (assuming they are generally a psychologically-stable person). i'm sure i'm repeating myself in saying this but basically i just think it's really lame to use the other person for a scape-goat for why you couldn't be honest. i have no respect for that at all.

and, of course, in the case where you've been completely honest and have talked over the same issues a million times...then i think it's completely acceptable to tell the person that explaining things again isn't going to change anything and that you need to move on.

i guess i just relate breakups to ending any kind of relationship. it should be done with respect. Would you want to fired and never be told why? then, after some prodding about the situation your boss says, "well, you were giving us B when what we really wanted was A but we didn't tell you that because we didn't want to hurt your feelings." I call bullshit! it's more likely that the boss resents you because he is threatened by you or maybe he wanted his buddy to get the job but for some reason you got it instead....so, he sets you up for failure and then plays the victim by saying "oh, poor me. i have to fire this person but i don't want to hurt their feelings."

okay, i might have overextended myself on this one. anyway, i'm sure i've beaten this issue to death now. sorry for hi-jacking the thread.

falsedog wrote:you mentioned "stay away from music", but you should be safe still with Shellac, it's all about nutcases, cars and Canada

you're safe with the pixies too. overrated or not, it has a neutral effect on these types of moods.
at least for me. maybe i just have a hard time taking frank black seriously.

Mandroid2.0 wrote:

hellyes!! wrote:i agree partially with this advice. i agree that i don't think it's a good idea to talk in-depth with your partner about the relationship for awhile. however, if you are doing the leaving then i think you do owe it to the other person to give them a reason why at some point. i would rather know the truth rather than beat myself up wondering what all the possible reasons are that the other person was unhappy, especially if the other person never talked up about such issues while you were together.

also, i think it's lame to use the "i didn't want to hurt the other person" excuse for avoiding an honest discussion. i don't believe for a minute that decision is about saving the other person hurt and pain. i think it's a selfish act of control and incredibly insulting and unfair to your partner.

...yes, i have a chip on my shoulder. no doubt. sorry to have gotten a bit off topic here.

Well, yes. You can talk generally about why you are leaving at the beginning and that should be enough at that point. I just meant that you shouldn't sort out every minor problem you have with the relationship right away. In my case, I waited way too long to ask for a divorce and I had every small detail mapped out in my brain, so when I was continually asked why I wasn't happy it gradually all seeped out and caused things to be worse than they should have been.

Trust me, I'm pretty honest to a fault and I don't believe in "saving the other person from hurt" by not telling them the truth. However, there is a difference between (in my case), "I am doing this because we no longer do anything other than watch television/play video games together, you don't care about anything I am interested in, I seem to be a replacement for the mother that was absent in your youth, you refuse to move out of Wisconsin even though I really need to do so for school, and we haven't had sex in 6 months," and going into even greater detail.

I could have listed probably 50 other reasons why the ex- and I should not be together but I thought that the above was adequate. He kept asking and I, trying to be compliant and helpful, gave him more answers thus upsetting him even more. Sometimes people just need the main reasons for a break-up and not an in-depth psychoanalysis. I know that I certainly wouldn't want that right away from someone breaking up with me. I'd want to know why they were doing it but I wouldn't want to be told every single reason why at such a sensitive time.

i've been in the situation that you described, where i had to drop someone because it was just too far gone, so i do understand. but, i'll say this....it wasn't until it happened to me that my perspective changed.

let me ask this...is it fair to hold back a list of negative feelings for months or years and then suddenly announce one day that you want out? of course the other person is going to have some questions.

but, yeah, probably not a good idea to spill everything at one time. totally agree. however, the reality is that it takes two. so, it is important to accept partial responsibility for letting things get out of control. you can't neglect to call the gardner for months and then fire him without notice because the lawn has turned into a jungle.

i'm not necessarily talking to you personally, mandroid. i'm just using your situation as a general example.