We're looking for perilous and comical situations, folks. I'm guessing that most of the nominees will be large American cars.
A friend had a Dodge van with a devil in the dashboard. When he signalled a right turn, the horn would blow in time with the blinker.
Your Most Decrepit Car might also be your most illustrious car; I'm currently driving an '82 Chevy wagon that leaks every fluid imaginable, but starts faithfully every time, even in the dead of winter. It handles like a broken-down grocery cart. A true menace to public safety.
For more examples, see Raymond Carver's poem, "The Car." [ "The car I traded for a bicycle . . . "]
Your Most Decrepit Car
25 Brits driving across the States in a shitty Dodge RAM 150. With no handbrake.
In Lawrence Kansas, while we slept, the fucker slipped out of parking gear and rolled down a steep slope across a freeway into a car. Thank God the car was there, because if it hadn't been, the van would have smashed through the glass facade of an occupied repair garage. Lack of freeway traffic was also a Godsend.
The police were not amused - less so since our insurance documentation was out of date. Jesus, that van was shit.
In Lawrence Kansas, while we slept, the fucker slipped out of parking gear and rolled down a steep slope across a freeway into a car. Thank God the car was there, because if it hadn't been, the van would have smashed through the glass facade of an occupied repair garage. Lack of freeway traffic was also a Godsend.
The police were not amused - less so since our insurance documentation was out of date. Jesus, that van was shit.
Your Most Decrepit Car
31980 Toyota Tercel - 4-banger, 4-speed.
The entire driver's side door frame was rusted out and any time it rained (which was often) it poured in all over the driver (me). I drilled a hole in the side of the floor without any holes to help clear the swamp that collected. Fortunately we never got mosquitoes breeding in there, but to say the car smelled "musty" would be an understatement.
It had a bad exhaust leak that was more than a little noticeable in the passenger compartment. I dunno how many brain cells I killed in that thing. I was just thankful that the little town I lived in then had almost no standstill traffic and no tunnels; windows open and moving wasnt TOO bad.
Racing through traffic one day, I accidentally ollied the car over a left turn median, a la Steve Mcqueen. It wasnt as cool as that, though. After that, the front end was no longer capable of being aligned. It used to go through a pass.-side front tire every six months or so -- it would just sand off the outer edge of the tire from normal driving, until radial wires were poking out all over the place, etc. At fifteen bucks a pop for used tires, it was still cost effective transpo. And best of all, I could (barely) fit a Marshall JMP half stack in the back seat.
Despite all the abuse I heaped on it and all of its own shortcomings, it continued running for years after I sold it to a friend for 100 bucks. In-fucking-destructible, that car was. But it was punishing transpo.
The entire driver's side door frame was rusted out and any time it rained (which was often) it poured in all over the driver (me). I drilled a hole in the side of the floor without any holes to help clear the swamp that collected. Fortunately we never got mosquitoes breeding in there, but to say the car smelled "musty" would be an understatement.
It had a bad exhaust leak that was more than a little noticeable in the passenger compartment. I dunno how many brain cells I killed in that thing. I was just thankful that the little town I lived in then had almost no standstill traffic and no tunnels; windows open and moving wasnt TOO bad.
Racing through traffic one day, I accidentally ollied the car over a left turn median, a la Steve Mcqueen. It wasnt as cool as that, though. After that, the front end was no longer capable of being aligned. It used to go through a pass.-side front tire every six months or so -- it would just sand off the outer edge of the tire from normal driving, until radial wires were poking out all over the place, etc. At fifteen bucks a pop for used tires, it was still cost effective transpo. And best of all, I could (barely) fit a Marshall JMP half stack in the back seat.
Despite all the abuse I heaped on it and all of its own shortcomings, it continued running for years after I sold it to a friend for 100 bucks. In-fucking-destructible, that car was. But it was punishing transpo.
"You get a kink in your neck looking up at people or down at people. But when you look straight across, there's no kinks."
--Mike Watt
--Mike Watt
Your Most Decrepit Car
4A beautiful '64 Rambler, my favorite car of the many old cars I went through a few years back.
There was a short stretch where the car would die and the engine would burst into flames. It happened three times over the course of a month or so. I don't think it's all that uncommon - and maybe I'm exaggerating, it was really just the carburetor bursting into flames, but it did look to me like the engine was bursting into flames.
The first time it happened I was in Seattle, going down first avenue on a sunny day when the car died. I pulled over to the side of the road, popped the hood... and when I lifted the hood up, POOF the thing's on fire. I wasn't really sure what to do - the flames were pretty substantial. Luckily, some guy driving by called out, "put a shirt on it!" My gaurdian angel! I went to the trunk, pulled out an old shirt or towel or something, & threw it on the fire.
I also had a '76 Toyota wagon that ran incredibly hot, even though I'd just replaced the thermostat, using liquid nails & a tricky bolting system to replace the housing (the original bolts broke off flush with the engine block). At the start of a solo Seattle-to-Boulder road trip I pulled over to check the radiator (I was young and foolish) and it geysered into my face. O the pain!
That was the only car I ever owned that got stripped. I parked it outside my apartment for a few weeks when it had reached the end of its days, & one day it was up on blocks.
There was a short stretch where the car would die and the engine would burst into flames. It happened three times over the course of a month or so. I don't think it's all that uncommon - and maybe I'm exaggerating, it was really just the carburetor bursting into flames, but it did look to me like the engine was bursting into flames.
The first time it happened I was in Seattle, going down first avenue on a sunny day when the car died. I pulled over to the side of the road, popped the hood... and when I lifted the hood up, POOF the thing's on fire. I wasn't really sure what to do - the flames were pretty substantial. Luckily, some guy driving by called out, "put a shirt on it!" My gaurdian angel! I went to the trunk, pulled out an old shirt or towel or something, & threw it on the fire.
I also had a '76 Toyota wagon that ran incredibly hot, even though I'd just replaced the thermostat, using liquid nails & a tricky bolting system to replace the housing (the original bolts broke off flush with the engine block). At the start of a solo Seattle-to-Boulder road trip I pulled over to check the radiator (I was young and foolish) and it geysered into my face. O the pain!
That was the only car I ever owned that got stripped. I parked it outside my apartment for a few weeks when it had reached the end of its days, & one day it was up on blocks.
Your Most Decrepit Car
5I have been the proud owner of 2 AMC Eagle SX/4s. If you've never seen one, then you're really missing out.
Anyhow, I bought my second one for 450 bucks in PA. This car looked amazing. It had a $2000 paintjob but was totally rusted out underneath. On the way back to Bloomington, IN, I smelled oil burning. There was smoke coming through the floorboards. I looked in the rearview and saw nothing but black. I quickly pulled off the highway and as I pulled into a Chevy dealership, my oil empty light went on. The rear main seal on the engine had blown out and all of my engile oil poured out of my car while going 70 on the freeway (the smoke was from the oil burning off of my exaust pipe). Thank god that fucker didn't freeze up on me while on the road. I called around for 2 hours and finally found a guy 70 miles away that would even consider looking at this beast. I had to ride in a flatbed towtruck for 1.5 hrs. Sucked.
mtar
Anyhow, I bought my second one for 450 bucks in PA. This car looked amazing. It had a $2000 paintjob but was totally rusted out underneath. On the way back to Bloomington, IN, I smelled oil burning. There was smoke coming through the floorboards. I looked in the rearview and saw nothing but black. I quickly pulled off the highway and as I pulled into a Chevy dealership, my oil empty light went on. The rear main seal on the engine had blown out and all of my engile oil poured out of my car while going 70 on the freeway (the smoke was from the oil burning off of my exaust pipe). Thank god that fucker didn't freeze up on me while on the road. I called around for 2 hours and finally found a guy 70 miles away that would even consider looking at this beast. I had to ride in a flatbed towtruck for 1.5 hrs. Sucked.
mtar
Your Most Decrepit Car
6Runner Up:
My first car, when I was 16. A late 70's or early 80's (can't remember) Dodge Diplomat. The longest, widest, most boat-like car ever constructed by man. Complete with bondo! It was white. I called it the Rolling Thunder, very appropriately named. The thing was sooo big, I had to curb check every time I turned to avoid hitting someone coming the opposite way. A true piece. It lasted one week!
Winner (and my favourite ride of all time):
My peach-colored 86' Dodge Ram. Slant-6 engine! Everything on that truck fell apart, except for the engine. That's one hell of an engine folks! For the year I owned it, there was a leak/hole in the water pump. Never could figure out what it was (untill I got rid of it). So I had to carry 2 of those big Ozarka water jugs (yes, like at the office) with me, full of water, at all times. I would fill up the truck w/ water before I departed, and by the time I had travelled a ways, it was dry and overheating. So I'd pull over, and pour one of the bottles in. I was in constant need of a water supply. It was fucking hilarious, and I caught so much shit for it.
Despite all of this, the truck had so much fucking character. My girlfriend at the time loved to drive it. Memories... Fuck... I'd buy another one. Baby blue this time.
My first car, when I was 16. A late 70's or early 80's (can't remember) Dodge Diplomat. The longest, widest, most boat-like car ever constructed by man. Complete with bondo! It was white. I called it the Rolling Thunder, very appropriately named. The thing was sooo big, I had to curb check every time I turned to avoid hitting someone coming the opposite way. A true piece. It lasted one week!
Winner (and my favourite ride of all time):
My peach-colored 86' Dodge Ram. Slant-6 engine! Everything on that truck fell apart, except for the engine. That's one hell of an engine folks! For the year I owned it, there was a leak/hole in the water pump. Never could figure out what it was (untill I got rid of it). So I had to carry 2 of those big Ozarka water jugs (yes, like at the office) with me, full of water, at all times. I would fill up the truck w/ water before I departed, and by the time I had travelled a ways, it was dry and overheating. So I'd pull over, and pour one of the bottles in. I was in constant need of a water supply. It was fucking hilarious, and I caught so much shit for it.
Despite all of this, the truck had so much fucking character. My girlfriend at the time loved to drive it. Memories... Fuck... I'd buy another one. Baby blue this time.
I could have been a contender...
Your Most Decrepit Car
785 Olds Custom Cruiser station wagon, complete with faux wood paneling on the sides. Bought it for $500 from my grandfather. It had every option imaginable, including a CB radio and an engine that leaked oil like a sieve. I ran it into a telephone pole one icy Michigan afternoon while listening to Paul Revere by the Beastie Boys. The force pushed the fender into the driver side door enough that I couldn't open it. I had to enter "Dukes of Hazzard" style during the summer when it was nice enough to leave the window down. Otherwise, it was through the passenger door. Eventually I sold it to some sucker for $1300.
Your Most Decrepit Car
8Has anyone here heard the Bill Cosby bit "the $75 car"? As funny as it is, you guys' stories kill his.
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Though I have never owned a true pieceofshit car, I do have an amusing anecdote regarding a friend's car:
In our yearbook last year, there was a feature on "parking lot life." One blurb was about crap cars, and the stereotypical P.O.S. was noneother than his '85 Buick Century (which we affectionately refer to as "The Flash."). It's probably one of those "you had to be there" moments, but it's all I got.
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Though I have never owned a true pieceofshit car, I do have an amusing anecdote regarding a friend's car:
In our yearbook last year, there was a feature on "parking lot life." One blurb was about crap cars, and the stereotypical P.O.S. was noneother than his '85 Buick Century (which we affectionately refer to as "The Flash."). It's probably one of those "you had to be there" moments, but it's all I got.
if i got lasik surgery on one eye, i could wear a monacle.
Your Most Decrepit Car
9Possibly the most character-building car I ever owned was the '86 Buick Century. I became familiar with the rust spots during several sessions of applying Bondo, and was amused to see the same rust spots in the same places in other GM cars of the era.
None of my stories are as good as the rest of these, but one really nice thing about the Buick was that tickets were exceedingly rare--we just blended into the background with that thing. Once we went three months out of inspection, and never got ticketed, pulled over, or anything. The car was like an invisibility cloak.
I will be eternally grateful that its brake and exhaust systems finally gave out two days after the local Tom Verlaine film soundtracks show (and three days after a gig of mine).
A better story was from a friend who had a Volkswagen diesel Rabbit. The glow plugs gave out, so he always parked on a hill facing down, and would start the car by drifting downhill in neutral and then jamming it into gear. An even better story was another friend who had an old VW bug. One day he heard a horrible sound, smelled a horrible smell, and pulled the car over to find that the battery had fallen through the rusty underside of the car, and was dragging along the road, disintegrating.
None of my stories are as good as the rest of these, but one really nice thing about the Buick was that tickets were exceedingly rare--we just blended into the background with that thing. Once we went three months out of inspection, and never got ticketed, pulled over, or anything. The car was like an invisibility cloak.
I will be eternally grateful that its brake and exhaust systems finally gave out two days after the local Tom Verlaine film soundtracks show (and three days after a gig of mine).
A better story was from a friend who had a Volkswagen diesel Rabbit. The glow plugs gave out, so he always parked on a hill facing down, and would start the car by drifting downhill in neutral and then jamming it into gear. An even better story was another friend who had an old VW bug. One day he heard a horrible sound, smelled a horrible smell, and pulled the car over to find that the battery had fallen through the rusty underside of the car, and was dragging along the road, disintegrating.
Your Most Decrepit Car
1084 Mercury Cougar
This car was like a white tank that that burnt oil and had a leaky brake line. Said leaky brake line caused a rather humorous accident. I was trying to go to school one day and I noticed that my brakes weren't working too hot so I went home to wait for the shop to open. Well, when I went to go to the shop I was backing out of my spot and my brakes did nothing. I rolled over a No Parking sign, crashed through a fence, only to come to a stop when I hit a bush. Well, the owner of the fence and the bush saw the whole thing. The look of extreme horror on his face was worth all the money I had to pay to fix his fence. Ironically, the only thing wrong with the Cougar was that the back window was smashed and there was green stuff all over the trunk from his fence.
God, I miss that car so much.
This car was like a white tank that that burnt oil and had a leaky brake line. Said leaky brake line caused a rather humorous accident. I was trying to go to school one day and I noticed that my brakes weren't working too hot so I went home to wait for the shop to open. Well, when I went to go to the shop I was backing out of my spot and my brakes did nothing. I rolled over a No Parking sign, crashed through a fence, only to come to a stop when I hit a bush. Well, the owner of the fence and the bush saw the whole thing. The look of extreme horror on his face was worth all the money I had to pay to fix his fence. Ironically, the only thing wrong with the Cougar was that the back window was smashed and there was green stuff all over the trunk from his fence.
God, I miss that car so much.
Better yet, eat the placenta!!!