kerble wrote:Spending a weekend with an old friend where both of you try to figure out if her new boyfriend is gay. Little headway is made and there is no solution either of you can come up with other than "Maybe."

Just Better: You are a great fan of the McDonald's Shamrock Shake. In fact, it angers you every year when McDonald's ceases to offer the Shamrock Shake after St. Patrick's Day. After McDonald's once again discontinues the Shamrock Shake this year, you say to yourself: "By god, I am going to write a letter to complain!" And you, in fact, write a letter of complaint concerning the annual discontinuance of the Shamrock Shake, and you send it to McDonald's.

Just Worse: A multi-person game of coed "Twister" in a college dorm room, but at Bob Jones University or another one of those creepy church schools where nobody drinks or has sex.

Kenny: You have no religious beliefs whatsoever, but circumstances find you forced to attend a religious service. You are not pleased. However, as the pastor delivers his sermon, you find yourself thinking, hey, there's something to what this person is saying.

Bradley R. Weissenberger wrote:Kenny: You have no religious beliefs whatsoever, but circumstances find you forced to attend a religious service. You are not pleased. However, as the pastor delivers his sermon, you find yourself thinking, hey, there's something to what this person is saying.

Way Better:People who realize that "Don't be an Asshole" is a far more universal and useful personal code than "us against them" religious ideology will ever be.

Just Better:The Hymn, "On Eagle's Wings." That's my motherfuckin' jam, yo.

JW:You attend a Catholic school for most of your Muslim childhood upbringing (1st-6th grade) because your family is from India. Due to colonialism, all the quality educational institutions from that country are Catholic and are perceived as a better way to become a member of society by your parents.

You spend most of your formative years being told offhandedly that you are going to hell and are fully aware that the Nuns at the school resent you and blame your heathen ass for shit whenever they get the chance.

Plus, you don't know what a communion wafer tastes like in spite of seeing all of your classmates chomping them every week for six years.

Alfred Lord Kennyson:
Starting a Christian rap group called "Hip Hope" while not being Catholic/Christian and bilking religious types out of a lot of money with no threat to your conscience.

e.g:J to the E to the S-U-S/I rock the Mic Like a Priest/ So you must Confess/ A is for Apple/ J is for Jehovah/Rollin over nonbelievers in my Range Rover/You might think your overweight/Obese and such/ When I'm all up in your face/Talking "Yah-weh" so much/Takin beats to the lab/And I Stone cold Sample it/Givin props to the Lamb as I hand you a pamphelet/Load your crew in the van and we Cold Bible Campin' it


Please don't steal my Christian rap. That would be very unchristian of you.


Faiz

kerble wrote:Alfred Lord Kennyson:
Starting a Christian rap group called "Hip Hope" while not being Catholic/Christian and bilking religious types out of a lot of money with no threat to your conscience.

e.g:J to the E to the S-U-S/I rock the Mic Like a Priest/ So you must Confess/ A is for Apple/ J is for Jehovah/Rollin over nonbelievers in my Range Rover/You might think your overweight/Obese and such/ When I'm all up in your face/Talking "Yah-weh" so much/Takin beats to the lab/And I Stone cold Sample it/Givin props to the Lamb as I hand you a pamphelet/Load your crew in the van and we Cold Bible Campin' it

this is the best thing i've ever read.

just better: consistently making an obscene amount of money with said christian rap group, then using some of your money to buy churches. you then start donating the building space to stem-cell researchers and other scientists, or convert the buildings into heavily-armed abortion clinics.

just worse: your music really touches non-christians as well, so much that some of these heathens start converting to christianity. you have considerably more money, but you also have to deal with more irritating christians. maybe this isn't worse because of the tradeoff.

the kenny: wanting to go to an upcoming kiss concert. you don't want to buy tickets, because you don't want to give gene simmons or paul stanley any money. you try unsuccessfully to win tickets off local cock-rock radio stations, but you do not care that much.

the kenny: wanting to go to an upcoming kiss concert. you don't want to buy tickets, because you don't want to give gene simmons or paul stanley any money. you try unsuccessfully to win tickets off local cock-rock radio stations, but you do not care that much.

JB: Being in a KISS cover band that no body wants to pay any money to see, so you try to talk the local/college radio station into promoting a ticket give-away, which they, in turn, refuse to do.

JW: Being a member of the band KISS


Kenny: the sudden urge to make "one last trip" to the bathroom prior to taking stage which, in doing so, forces the rest of the band to wait awkwardly as you stand in line.

junip wrote:Kenny: the sudden urge to make "one last trip" to the bathroom prior to taking stage which, in doing so, forces the rest of the band to wait awkwardly as you stand in line.

JB: Your bandmates embracing in a Pearl Jam-style group hug without you

JW: Your bandmates go onstage and start without you (this has happened to me)

Kenny, o Kenny: Being accosted by David Yow

Burma wrote:Kenny, o Kenny: Being accosted by David Yow

just better: being accosted by david yow dressed like hitler and speaking w/ a pronounced lisp

just worse: being accosted by shannon selberg dressed like david yow


kenny: while interviewing for a job yr asked why you want to work for business Z, you answer :"I just need some internet time"

the Classical wrote:kenny: while interviewing for a job yr asked why you want to work for business Z, you answer :"I just need some internet time"

just better = You are a student at an all-male middle school. An unpopular classmate is caught masturbating in a restroom stall by some fellow students. For the next several days his already hellish life is made even more so by constant and escalating taunting and derision. The principal finally steps in and calls the entire student body into the gymnasium for an impromptu assembly, wherein he discusses masturbation as a healthy and perfectly normal part of human life. At one point he states that, "99% percent of all men masturbate and the other 1% are liars". You promptly raise your hand and the ask the principal, "Do you masturbate?". He does not answer and everyone is dismissed.

just worse = The interviewer thinks you were just joking, appreciates this type of humor and winds up offering you the job. You accept only to later find out that business Z has a horribly slow dial-up connection.


Please, kenny:

- You buy a rusty old bear trap at a garage sale. You take it home and clean it up a bit with some steel wool and penetrating oil. Everything seems to be in working order and you decide to test it out. You place the trap in the middle of your backyard, set it and go inside to grab a broomstick or a length of pipe or something that you can you use to trigger it. Once in the house you get distracted and forget all about the bear trap. You wind up making some dinner, sitting down in front of the tv for a few hours and then heading off to bed. You have completely forgotten all about the bear trap. Early in the morning, just before dawn, you are awakened by a loud snap from the direction of your backyard. You suddenly and dreadfully remember. You sprint outside to have a look. And there, in the middle of your backyard, is Adrian Zmed, caught in a bear trap.

stackmatic wrote:And there, in the middle of your backyard, is Adrian Zmed, caught in a bear trap.

STACK!!! Nice work.

Just Better: Waking up in the middle of the night and finding a feverish and disoriented Abe Vigoda lying on your couch.
Just Worse: Waking up in the middle of the night and finding a drunken William Shatner rifling through your hamper in search of his misplaced hairpiece.

Kenny: You go the city pound. You are going to adopt a dog! You are very excited! You meet a number of sweet dogs, but two really attach themselves to you -- let's call them Ollie and Greta. What sweet animals! Either one would make a fine pet! But you lack the space and resources to care for two dogs, and you have strict orders from Mrs. Kenny to adopt only one dog. Therefore, you must choose between Ollie and Greta knowing that one dog will be given a life of love, health and happiness, and the other dog soon will die a lonely death and be incinerated.

Bradley R. Weissenberger wrote:Kenny: You go the city pound. You are going to adopt a dog! You are very excited! You meet a number of sweet dogs, but two really attach themselves to you -- let's call them Ollie and Greta. What sweet animals! Either one would make a fine pet! But you lack the space and resources to care for two dogs, and you have strict orders from Mrs. Kenny to adopt only one dog. Therefore, you must choose between Ollie and Greta knowing that one dog will be given a life of love, health and happiness, and the other dog soon will die a lonely death and be incinerated.

JB:You go to the city pound. You are going to adopt a dog! You are very excited! You meet a number of sweet dogs, but two really attach themselves to you---let's call them Ollie and Greta. They are conjoined. You run a carnival. They make you a lot of money and the conjoined dogs allow you and your Mrs. Kenny to become the kings of the Freak Midways. Not only do you get to keep the "one" dog, but Greta and Ollie keep your family of flipperbabies, hairbeasts, swamis and geeks fed for the next twelve years.

JW:You go to an orphanage...


Choose your own Kenventure: You have a roommate named Mike in college. He starts a band called Kenny because he firmly believes that nobody cool could be named Kenny. He makes T-shirts that say "Kenny" that are 3/4 baseball Jerseys and have "Kenny" written in tres homosexual rainbow colors. You purchase and wear this Kenny shirt with pride for years.

You are at an iron maiden/kiss tribute twofer. There is this woman and her mulleted boyfriend who approach you at the end of the show. She tells you that her boyfriend, Kenny would love to own your shirt and offers to trade clothes with you. Kenny tells you that while doing this, you can see his girlfriend's tits and "she's got great tits."

This is secretly the reason I love Kenny so much.
Faiz

kerble wrote:You are at an iron maiden/kiss tribute twofer. There is this woman and her mulleted boyfriend who approach you at the end of the show. She tells you that her boyfriend, Kenny would love to own your shirt and offers to trade clothes with you. Kenny tells you that while doing this, you can see his girlfriend's tits and "she's got great tits."

This is secretly the reason I love Kenny so much.
Faiz

just better: you go see Dio. Afterwards an attractive woman approaches you and yr friend for a smoke. so attractive that you can barely do anything but stare at her. while yr friend digs out his smokes, her boyfriend walks up. Her boyfriend is the spitting image of Greg Allman circa that movie Rush. He says nothing but hands you a joint and makes a sort of caveman grunt sound. You do not smoke, but are under the impression that "no" is not going to be an acceptable answer. After you take a drag he slaps you and the back, hard. He and his attractive girlfriend walk away.

just worse: yr at a kiss/iron madien tribute concert. you paid full price to get in, there are nothing but metal dudes at the show, you will see no tits of any kind.


kenny: in a conversation w/ an ex-girlfriend she makes a reference to you being "a total fucking spaz in bed"