The jokes here can only start like this:
So ______ walks into a bar...
This one's not as good as the breakfast one.
So a grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Kevin?"
Bar Jokes
2I've told this joke many times to many people over the years. In my experience, people under 30 piss themselves laughing, people over 30 just look confused.
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a drink. The barman serves him and then looks up to see that this man just has a huge orange for a head.
The barman decides not to say anything and just serves the man.
Throughout the night the man comes back to the bar for more drinks and every time the barman resolves not to say anything.
At the end of the night the barman cant stand it anymore and when the man comes back upto the bar he finally says "I'm sorry but I have to ask, why do you have an orange for a head?"
The man says "Well give me a free beer and I'll tell you." So the barman agrees and pours him a free beer.
The barman says "Ok, tell me about it then."
The man says "Well, one day I was walking along the beach and I found a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out and granted me three wishes. My first wish was that I was rich. Now I am, I have a huge mansion, a succesful business and everything. My second wish was for a beautiful wife, and now my wife is gorgeous."
The barman says "Wow. What was your third wish?"
The man says "I wished I had an orange for a head."
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a drink. The barman serves him and then looks up to see that this man just has a huge orange for a head.
The barman decides not to say anything and just serves the man.
Throughout the night the man comes back to the bar for more drinks and every time the barman resolves not to say anything.
At the end of the night the barman cant stand it anymore and when the man comes back upto the bar he finally says "I'm sorry but I have to ask, why do you have an orange for a head?"
The man says "Well give me a free beer and I'll tell you." So the barman agrees and pours him a free beer.
The barman says "Ok, tell me about it then."
The man says "Well, one day I was walking along the beach and I found a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out and granted me three wishes. My first wish was that I was rich. Now I am, I have a huge mansion, a succesful business and everything. My second wish was for a beautiful wife, and now my wife is gorgeous."
The barman says "Wow. What was your third wish?"
The man says "I wished I had an orange for a head."
simmo wrote:Someone make my carrot and grapefruits smoke. Please.
Bar Jokes
3A vampire walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a hot glass of water from the bartender. The bartender agrees and walks toward the other end of the bar to fetch the beverage. While preparing the water, the bartender is completely puzzled by the vampire's choice of refreshment. Baffled, he returns with the glass of hot water. Curiosity gets the best of the bartender, so he asks "Now I can clearly see that you're a vampire. The cape, the fangs, etc... I thought vampires drank blood. What's with the hot water here?" Whilst the bartender anxiously awaits his reply; the vampire reaches into his shirt pocket and produces a used tampon. "I'm makin' tea motherfucker!"
I could have been a contender...
Bar Jokes
4This doesn't start in the official "bar joke" manner, but it still works:
A barternder is behind the counter, tending to his mid-day bar tasks: arranging and filling the bottles, dusting, filling the well. As he replaces an empty bottle of vermouth, he hears the front door of the formerly patron-less bar open, and a distinct, oddly paced "cla-clump" of a person walking toward the bar.
"Bartender, give me a rrrrrrum!" The bartender hears a heavy object clomp onto the wooden counter as he turns to greet his customer. The first thing he notices is the large metal hook resting on the counter. The bartender's eye follow the hook up to the point at which it is covered by a ruffled white sleeve. His eyes adjust to see before him what appears to be a pirate. The man is shod in a pirate's hat, replete with skull-and-crossbones. He has a patch over an eye, a parrot resting on his shoulder, the aforementioned hook, even a peg-leg. Inexplicably, the bartender notes, the pirate even has what appears to be the steering wheel from a sailing ship emerging from his sashed black pants.
The bartender is puzzled, but he knows that, as a bartender, it is not his place to pry, so he pours the customer a rum, collects a dubloon, and begins lazily polishing the counter as the pirate drinks.
The pirate engages the bartender in conversation and, after a few drinks, the bartender feels comfortable enough with the stranger to ask a question:
"Listen, I don't mean to pry, but what in the heck do you got stickin' out of your pants?"
"I dunno, but its drrrivin' me nuts!"
Oh also, a mushroom walks into a bar, says, "Bartender, gimme a beer."
Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't derve your kind here."
"Oh, c'mon, why not, I'm a fungi!"
A barternder is behind the counter, tending to his mid-day bar tasks: arranging and filling the bottles, dusting, filling the well. As he replaces an empty bottle of vermouth, he hears the front door of the formerly patron-less bar open, and a distinct, oddly paced "cla-clump" of a person walking toward the bar.
"Bartender, give me a rrrrrrum!" The bartender hears a heavy object clomp onto the wooden counter as he turns to greet his customer. The first thing he notices is the large metal hook resting on the counter. The bartender's eye follow the hook up to the point at which it is covered by a ruffled white sleeve. His eyes adjust to see before him what appears to be a pirate. The man is shod in a pirate's hat, replete with skull-and-crossbones. He has a patch over an eye, a parrot resting on his shoulder, the aforementioned hook, even a peg-leg. Inexplicably, the bartender notes, the pirate even has what appears to be the steering wheel from a sailing ship emerging from his sashed black pants.
The bartender is puzzled, but he knows that, as a bartender, it is not his place to pry, so he pours the customer a rum, collects a dubloon, and begins lazily polishing the counter as the pirate drinks.
The pirate engages the bartender in conversation and, after a few drinks, the bartender feels comfortable enough with the stranger to ask a question:
"Listen, I don't mean to pry, but what in the heck do you got stickin' out of your pants?"
"I dunno, but its drrrivin' me nuts!"
Oh also, a mushroom walks into a bar, says, "Bartender, gimme a beer."
Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't derve your kind here."
"Oh, c'mon, why not, I'm a fungi!"
If it wasn't for landlords, there would have been no Karl Marx.
Bar Jokes
5a guy walks into a bar. after hanging out, talking with some of the locals, and downing a few drinks, he's up talking to the bartender.
he tells the bartender, "i'll bet you $50 i can piss into this glass from 10 feet away and not have a single drop miss the glass".
the bartender says "what are you, drunk or stupid? that's impossible"
the guy says "hey, you think i can't do it? take the bet!" and he slaps a $50 bill on the bar.
bartender says "you're on".
after measuring carefully, they've got a pint glass set up exactly 10 feet away from where the guy is standing. the bartender says "alright, let's see it!"
the guy whips out his dick and starts pissing on the floor, the bar, pretty much doesn't get a single drop in the glass.
the bartender starts laughing. tells the guy "hey, nice work. what the hell were you thinking?", and he picks up the $50 off the bar.
the guy says "i just bet a couple guys over there $500 that i could piss on your bar and you'd smile.
he tells the bartender, "i'll bet you $50 i can piss into this glass from 10 feet away and not have a single drop miss the glass".
the bartender says "what are you, drunk or stupid? that's impossible"
the guy says "hey, you think i can't do it? take the bet!" and he slaps a $50 bill on the bar.
bartender says "you're on".
after measuring carefully, they've got a pint glass set up exactly 10 feet away from where the guy is standing. the bartender says "alright, let's see it!"
the guy whips out his dick and starts pissing on the floor, the bar, pretty much doesn't get a single drop in the glass.
the bartender starts laughing. tells the guy "hey, nice work. what the hell were you thinking?", and he picks up the $50 off the bar.
the guy says "i just bet a couple guys over there $500 that i could piss on your bar and you'd smile.
Last edited by toomanyhelicopters_Archive on Wed Aug 04, 2004 3:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Bar Jokes
8XBangyrdead wrote:a duck walks into a bar. tells the bartender "gimme a beer".
the bartender obliges, and asks "will you be paying cash?"
the duck replies "nah' put it on my bill"
uh, that joke doesn't make sense that way. it goes like this, a duck walks into a pharmacy and says "gimmie some chapstick"... cause the punchiline is "put it on my bill", and whereas chapstick *would* get put on his bill, berr generally goes into the belly, you see.
the duck walks into a bar joke goes like this...
a duck walks into a bar and approaches the bartender. he asks "got any gwapes?". the bartender is like, what the fuck is this guy talking about? what's a gwape? OOOOOH, GRAPES, GRAPES... the bartender says "uh, no, buddy. see, this is a BAR. we serve alchoholic beverages here. you need to go to a grocery store if you want grapes. can i get you something to drink?" to which the duck shrugs his shoulders and walks out.
the next day the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender "got any gwapes?" the bartender kinda chuckles to himself a little. "hey duck, i think you got some kinda memory problem or something. remember, i told you yesterday, this is A BAR. we do NOT sell grapes. got it?" and the duck shrugs his shoulders and walks out.
the next day the same duck walks in and asks "got any gwapes?" the bartender, having had a particularly bad evening so far, goes off. "look you fuckin duck, i'm getting sick and tired of you coming in here asking the same fucking stupid question day in and day out. WE DO NOT SELL GRAPES! WE WILL NEVER SELL GRAPES! AND IF YOU ASK ME FOR GRAPES ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR FUCKING BEAK SHUT, YOU UNDERSTAND?" and the duck shrugs and walks out.
the next day, like clockwork, the duck walks into the bar. he goes up to the bartender and asks, "got any nails?" to which the bartender, puzzled, replies "no." then the duck asks, "got any gwapes?"