So, a Koala Bear walks into a bar and sits down, and orders a cheeseburger and a cold one. He drinks the cold one, eats the cheeseburger, and then pulls out a machine gun and kills everyone but the bartender, and leaves.
The next night, the Koala Bear comes back, sits down at the same place, and orders a cheeseburger and a cold one. He drinks the cold one, eats the cheeseburger, and predictably, pulls out a machine gun and kills everybody in the bartender, and leaves again.
The third night, the Koala Bear comes back, sits down at the same place, and the bartender says to him. "Listen. I can't have you causing anymore trouble in here. You're killing off all my customers! If you keep killing people here, you're going to get 86'd." "Fine, can I have a cheeseburger and a cold one?"
So the Koala Bear, drinks the cold one, eats the cheeseburger, pulls out a machine gun and kills everyone except the bartender. The bartender is steamed. The bartender yells at him, "Hey, asshole! You're outta here! I told you to stop killing my customers!" "But I'm a Koala Bear! That's what I do!" "I don't care! Get out!" "I'm a Koala Bear! Look it up!" "GET OUT!" So the Koala Bear leaves. The bartender takes out his bartender's encyclopedia and finds the entry for Koala Bear.
The first sentence: "Eats chutes and leaves."
Bar Jokes
33This guy walks into a bar. As he's walking through, the cigarette machine starts to scream at him.
"YOU'RE A FUCKING SHITHEAD!! ARGHHH! YOU COMPLETE FUCKER!! I HATE YOU AND ALL YOUR FAMILY!!!", it yells.
He's a little disturbed to be verbally attacked by a cigarette vending machine, but he continues on up to the bar regardless.
When he reaches the bar, he sits down and notices a dish of peanuts in front of him.
To his surprise, the peanuts start talking to him.
"That's quite a lovely coat you're wearing sir! My, you look splendid indeed today. I'm hope you enjoy your beer here this afternoon."
At this point, he's completely confused, so he calls the barman over.
"Excuse me, but what's the deal with this crazy stuff?"
The barman replies, "Well, the peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."
"YOU'RE A FUCKING SHITHEAD!! ARGHHH! YOU COMPLETE FUCKER!! I HATE YOU AND ALL YOUR FAMILY!!!", it yells.
He's a little disturbed to be verbally attacked by a cigarette vending machine, but he continues on up to the bar regardless.
When he reaches the bar, he sits down and notices a dish of peanuts in front of him.
To his surprise, the peanuts start talking to him.
"That's quite a lovely coat you're wearing sir! My, you look splendid indeed today. I'm hope you enjoy your beer here this afternoon."
At this point, he's completely confused, so he calls the barman over.
"Excuse me, but what's the deal with this crazy stuff?"
The barman replies, "Well, the peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."
Bar Jokes
34A bloke walks into a bar with a flamingo and a cat.
He asks them if they want a drink, the flamingo says "Yeah, go on then." The cat says "Only if you're paying. If I have to pay I dont want it."
The barman is confused by this but serves them anyway.
Later on the bloke comes back to the bar with his flamingo and his cat and asks them if they want another. The flamingo says "Yeah, sure." The cat says "I'll have one if you're paying. Only if you're paying."
The barman finally asks "What's with you and these animals?"
The bloke says "Well I saved a genies life once, he said in return he'd grant me any wish I wanted. So I asked for a long-legged bird with a tight pussy."
He asks them if they want a drink, the flamingo says "Yeah, go on then." The cat says "Only if you're paying. If I have to pay I dont want it."
The barman is confused by this but serves them anyway.
Later on the bloke comes back to the bar with his flamingo and his cat and asks them if they want another. The flamingo says "Yeah, sure." The cat says "I'll have one if you're paying. Only if you're paying."
The barman finally asks "What's with you and these animals?"
The bloke says "Well I saved a genies life once, he said in return he'd grant me any wish I wanted. So I asked for a long-legged bird with a tight pussy."
simmo wrote:Someone make my carrot and grapefruits smoke. Please.
Bar Jokes
35A skunk, a deer and a giraffe knock off early from work one day and head to the local tavern. As they approach the door to enter, the skunk says, "Fellows, I'm afraid I don't have a cent. Can you spot me?"
The deer then looks to his comrades and says, "Sorry, boys, but I ain't got a buck to my name. I was hoping one of you could front me?"
The giraffe opens the door and says, "Right this way, chums. Highballs on me!"
The deer then looks to his comrades and says, "Sorry, boys, but I ain't got a buck to my name. I was hoping one of you could front me?"
The giraffe opens the door and says, "Right this way, chums. Highballs on me!"
Bar Jokes
36A man and a penguin walk into a bar. The man places the penguin on the barstool next to him and orders two shots of whiskey. The bartender, confused, serves them without asking any questions. The man and his bird toast each other and shoot the whiskey. They slam the glasses down on the bar and order two more shots. The bartender serves them again. They toast, shoot and slam. “Two more, please.” Toast, shoot and slam.
After 6 rounds, both the man and penguin are beginning to sway. The man’s speech is slurred. The penguin loses his balance and falls from his barstool to the floor. Instead of picking himself up, the drunken bird passes out on the barroom floor.
The man stands up, places $40 on the bar and heads towards the door. The bartender becomes furious.
“Hey, pal,” says the bartender, pointing at the unconscious bird, “You can’t just leave that lyin’ around here!”
The man turns around and says, “That’s not a lion, that’s a penguin.”
After 6 rounds, both the man and penguin are beginning to sway. The man’s speech is slurred. The penguin loses his balance and falls from his barstool to the floor. Instead of picking himself up, the drunken bird passes out on the barroom floor.
The man stands up, places $40 on the bar and heads towards the door. The bartender becomes furious.
“Hey, pal,” says the bartender, pointing at the unconscious bird, “You can’t just leave that lyin’ around here!”
The man turns around and says, “That’s not a lion, that’s a penguin.”
Bar Jokes
37In this town called Bamf, a bear comes out of the woods and walks into the local bar, goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. Bartender says "Sorry but we don't serve beer to bears in Bamf."
Next day the bear comes back to the bar, and the bartender has to remind him "We don't serve beer to bears in Bamf."
3rd day the bear comes in the bartender stops him before he even tries to order and says, "Look I tried to be nice about it but I told you we don't serve beer to bears in Bamf!"
Bear says "If you don't serve me, I'm going to eat somebody." To which the bartender replies with the universal gesture for "Bring it, bitch."
So the bear walkls down to the end of the bar and picks up this haggard old barfly, and gobbles her down while she screams bloody murder and all that jazz; the bear comes back to the bartender and says "Will you serve me now?"
Bartender says "We don't serve beer to bears on drugs."
Bear says "What fucking drugs?"
Bartender says "Well what about that bar bitch you ate?"
Ha! Get it? Barbiturate?
Thank you, goodnight!
Next day the bear comes back to the bar, and the bartender has to remind him "We don't serve beer to bears in Bamf."
3rd day the bear comes in the bartender stops him before he even tries to order and says, "Look I tried to be nice about it but I told you we don't serve beer to bears in Bamf!"
Bear says "If you don't serve me, I'm going to eat somebody." To which the bartender replies with the universal gesture for "Bring it, bitch."
So the bear walkls down to the end of the bar and picks up this haggard old barfly, and gobbles her down while she screams bloody murder and all that jazz; the bear comes back to the bartender and says "Will you serve me now?"
Bartender says "We don't serve beer to bears on drugs."
Bear says "What fucking drugs?"
Bartender says "Well what about that bar bitch you ate?"
Ha! Get it? Barbiturate?
Thank you, goodnight!
Bar Jokes
38Too late. You should read threads before posting.
BTW, the original post can be found on this very page.
BTW, the original post can be found on this very page.
horsewhip wrote:Courtesy of Jeff Mitchell:
So, a bear walks into a bar in Boise, ID and he sits down and orders a beer. The bartender tells the bear. "Hey, I'd like to serve you, but we don't serve beer to bears at bars in Boise."
The bear is pissed. "Oh, yeah? If you don't get me a beer, I'll go fuck up your pinball machine!"
The bartender says, "No. I'm sorry. It's against the law to serve beer to bears at bars in Boise."
So, the bear lets out a mighty roar and destroys the pinball machine and says. "Okay. Now how about that beer?" The bartender says, "No, I can't! It's against the law to serve beer to bears at bars in Boise."
The bear is even more pissed. "Okay, see that guy sitting over there? I'll fucking eat him!"
The bartender says, "No! You can't eat Pete, he's one of our best customers!"
The bear goes over and tears off Pete's head, blood flying everywhere, the whole nine yars. "AAAAAARGH! I WANT A FUCKING BEER!"
"We don't serve beer to bears at bars in Boise."
"Okay," says the bear, "I'm going to eat that broad at the end of the bar." So, sure enough, the bear goes over there and tears off her head, and starts eating her. When he's done, he walks back up to the bartender and says, "One beer please."
The bartender says. "No. I can't. We don't serve drug addicts."
"I'm not a drug addict! I'm a fucking BEAR!"
The bartender says, "Oh yeah? Look at that Bar Bitch You Ate!"
Bar Jokes
39I guy walks into a bar carrying a frog. He sets the frog on the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "you can't have frogs in here." The guys says, "you don't understand, this isn't just any frog, this is a pussy eatin' frog." The bartender doesn't buy it and wants proof so he calls up one of the waitresses and say, "this guy says this is a pussy eatin' frog, will you let him try it out." Waitress figures, what the hell, there's no way this frog is actually gonna eat my pussy so she takes the frog in the backroom. They're back there for a good hour and finally the bartender says, "hey buddy, you better go check on your frog." The guy goes in the back room and sees the waitress laying on the floor, pants off, with the frog sitting between her legs. The waitress says, "mister, I don't know what made you think this was a pussy eatin' frog, I've been sitting here for an hour and he hasn't done anything." The guy then picks up the frog and says, "alright, I'll show you ONE MORE TIME!"
drew patrick wrote:Peripatetic will win.
Bar Jokes
40Hosoi wrote:The jokes here can only start like this:
So ______ walks into a bar...
This one's not as good as the breakfast one.
So a grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Kevin?"
hah, this one made me laugh right off the bat.
ben wrote:I tend to get a little cynical in social situations where I see large groups of people enjoying themselves.