How do you know when an Ethiopian is pregnant?





































When you pull the tampon out and it is half eaten.

Steve V, you're my hero. Thank you, God bless.

honeyisfunny wrote:I don't smoke. I think it's horrible and you know why?
When I was about 8, me and my brother got someone to buy us a pack of cigarettes and we snuck home from school and sat and smoked them.
But our Dad came home from work early and caught us.
He was fucking furious and do you know what he did?
He got out this huge, vintage, Cuban cigar and he lit it up and then he took us out into the garden and made us suck his cock.

Thankyou. Was was very funny.

Hahaha sick.

These may have been said and the first one I heard from Michael Cera.


Did you hear about the actor who fell through the stage when he was peforming on the weekend!?

They said it was just a stage he was going through.



Three Americans are walking through a wood, hungry. They come across a set of tracks that pass their path and go off into the distance. The first American steps up to the tracks and kneels down, he sniffs the ground around the tracks, rises and says-

'Deer...these are deer prints in the ground, if we're clever we could be in for some food, at last'

The second yank steps forward and says-

'Wait'

He crouches down and runs his fingers over the ground.

'I don't think these are Deer prints my friend, I know why you'd assume that out here but I actually think these are the tracks of a wondering cow, lost across these mountains...still, an easier kill, if we can track it down we've met the motherload'

The last American says

'What the hell'

He then kneels down, pushes his finger tips onto the tracks, then pulls them to his nose, a sniff then a taste...he scans the tracks with his eyes, expert knowledge, he laughs and then stands up.

'You fucking pair of pricks, these are fucking rabbit tracks, hahaha!'

the other two spout in

'Dude these tracks are huge, no fucking rabbit would make tracks'

'Yeah but you think these are fucking cow tracks up here, nice one dipshit'

Anyway, they were still arguing when the train hit them.

JC23by5 wrote:Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Hahaha. That's fucking hilarious.

What's the difference between Pope John Paul II and Madeleine McCann?
















The Pope died a virgin.





I'm so sorry.

Q. How do you kill a circus?

A. Go for the juggler.


___________________________________________


I walked into a public toilet where I found two stalls, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

As nature was taking its course, a voice came from the stall next to me, "Hey man, how are you doing?" this voice said.

I thought it a bit strange, but not wanting to be rude I replied, "Yeah, not too bad thanks."

After a short pause, the voice asked, "So, what's up?"

I was a bit taken aback. Unsure of what to say, I answered reluctantly, "Umm, I'm just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"

Then the voice said, "Sorry man, I'm gonna have to call you back. I've got some fucking weirdo in the stall next to me answering everything I say."

___________________________________________


Q: How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is having her period?

A: Her son's dick tastes like spoiled milk.

___________________________________________


The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal man. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to
the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal man top that,
they thought. Then the old aboriginal man calmly made his way to the
microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I buck one, and Timbuktu

The aboriginal man won.

___________________________________________


Q: What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave?

A: The microwave won't brown your meat.

___________________________________________


Tarzan and Jane are sitting alone together in the jungle, and Jane really wants to have sex with him for the first time. But Tarzan, never having been educated as to how it's done, is totally confused. So Jane decides to take the initiative and teach him.

She says to him, "Tarzan, have you never had sex?"

"Tarzan not know sex," he replies, so Jane patiently explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh......That what Tarzan do in tree-trunk hole! Feel real good!"

So Jane removes her cargo pants and her underwear, and instructs Tarzan to remove his loincloth. She is amazed by the enormous size of his erection..

"OK Tarzan," she says, "just do the same thing you do in the tree trunk hole, except use this hole." She motions towards her vagina, then lies back, closes her eyes and trembles with anticipation.

Tarzan immediately stands up, steps over her and kicks her right between her legs, very hard. Jane cries out in agony, then yells at him, "Why the hell did you do that?!?"

"Tarzan always check for squirrels first."

___________________________________________


An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman went for a round of golf and took their wives along as caddies.

While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was up over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any panties! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

"Well," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, don't I? Usually, no one's the wiser."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and buy some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed on all fours on the ground with her skirt up over her head. Everyone could see that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of modesty.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I can' even afford to buy me knickers."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket, pulled out a ten-pound note and said, "For God's sake, love, here's a Joyce. Go to Woolworth's and get yourself some drawers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and she too landed with her skirt up, revealing that even she was wearing no undergarments! She blurted out that she too was going without underwear for lack of money.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Ach, woman! Here, take this comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"

___________________________________________


A multi-billionaire is faced with a choice of 3 beautiful young women to marry.

Curious as to how each of them would handle money after becoming the wife of a fabulously wealthy man, he decides on a plan: He gives each of them one million dollars with instructions that it is theirs to do with whatever they want. Then he books a month-long vacation and determines to make his decision upon his return.

The first woman intends to impress her soon-to-be husband with her financial savvy. She takes her million dollars to her stockbroker, invests it all in some high-risk ventures and loses everything.

The second woman goes on an extravagant spending spree, buying everything she ever wanted, all for herself. After a few weeks, she's spent every penny of the million dollars.

The third woman, being of a compassionate and generous nature, donates all of her million dollars to multiple charities, where she knows it will do the most good.

When the man returns from his trip, he asks each woman what she did with her million, then makes his decision.


Q: Which one did the man choose to marry?





























































A: The one with the big tits, of course!!!

q: how do you circumcise a redneck?
a: kick his sister in the chin.

Why did Hitler avoid drinking tequila?

Because it made him mean.

chingalera wrote:Why did Hitler avoid drinking tequila?

Because it made him mean.

hilarious.