Andrew L. wrote:

Eggs Kenny: You were unable to dissuade your terminally ill lover from donating his or her body to Gunther von Hagens. In the end, you strike a deal with von Hagens to accompany your plasticized beloved on tour (and unsupervised between shows, when you really get down to business).

JB: Specifically donating your eyes to Stevie Wonder on the back of your driver's license.
JW: Carrying around yourtwin brother for 36 years.

Kenny and Squiggy: Real Doll

This post is not safe for work.

nihil wrote:Real Doll

Just Better: The more economical and easily stored "Flat Back Torso" version of the Real Doll.
Just Worse: The "Testimonials" section of the Real Dolls website.

The Kenny: The fact that my G.D. internet history now shows that I have tooled around the Real Dolls website. Jesus H.

Bradley R. Weissenberger wrote:The Kenny: The fact that my G.D. internet history now shows that I have tooled around the Real Dolls website. Jesus H.

Just Better: Your wife informs you that the history shows visits to one of those "sexy local singles" websites and asks you if you know anything about this. You tell her the truth, that you do not. It turns out it was her mom from last time she came over.

Just Worse: The two of you think it's kind of "funny" and "cute", so you tool around site, until you find her mom's "provacative" profile.


100% Hypothetical Kenny: It's the morning of April 1st and your kids are up, but they are entertaining themselves. You and your wife begin to enjoy some "morning intimacy" until the phone rings. It's a strange time for somebody to call, so you answer it. It turns out to be a friend pulling a lame April Fool's call. Your kids take the phone call as license to come into your room and that rare "morning intimacy" is cancelled.

Tree wrote:100% Hypothetical Kenny: It's the morning of April 1st and your kids are up, but they are entertaining themselves. You and your wife begin to enjoy some "morning intimacy" until the phone rings. It's a strange time for somebody to call, so you answer it. It turns out to be a friend pulling a lame April Fool's call. Your kids take the phone call as license to come into your room and that rare "morning intimacy" is cancelled.

Just Worse: It's the morning of February 14th and your kids are up, but they are scared shitless. You and your wife are in the throws of some incomparably intense "morning intimacy" as your entire city is pounded from above into searing flame and dust.


Just Better: You read Kurt Vonnegut's NYT obituary, which notes that Vonnegut suggested that

"The firebombing of Dresden... was a work of art.” It was, he added, “a tower of smoke and flame to commemorate the rage and heartbreak of so many who had had their lives warped or ruined by the indescribable greed and vanity and cruelty of Germany.”

You immediately recall reflections on 9/11 speculating on the ways it too was a (different) kind of artwork. You were a casual Vonnegut fan, enjoying many of his novels, and neither knew nor are related to anyone injured or killed in Dresden in '45 or New York in '01. You think about spectacular, internationally orchestrated mass killings as artwork all day. This is your privileged curse.

Kenny Daily: You live in a beautiful city but you live in what your friends call "a Blade Runner apartment."

Kenny Daily: You live in a beautiful city but you live in what your friends call "a Blade Runner apartment."

jb: you live in an all right city. monroe is always stopping by while you're
working on your drawings

jw: you live in apartment 227 and everytime a delivery person comes to
your door they say, "hey, 227! like the tv show!"


kenny: you're shocked to find out that the organic cereal you've been eating
for the last 3 months contains gypsum. you leave a cup of it in some water
overnight and fix the crack next to the outlet in the kitchen.

brian wrote:kenny: you're shocked to find out that the organic cereal you've been eating for the last 3 months contains gypsum. you leave a cup of it in some water overnight and fix the crack next to the outlet in the kitchen.

J>B>: You realize the cigarettes you are smoking contain cannibus. You like cannibus.

J.W. : You realize your toilet contains raw sewage. You do not like raw sewage comming up our plumbing.

You have just finished Saucerful of Secrets, a biography of Pink Floyd and your so jonesing for inside dirt you can't think of a new kenny

Kenny up for grabs!!!

brian wrote:

kenny: you're shocked to find out that the organic cereal you've been eating
for the last 3 months contains gypsum. you leave a cup of it in some water
overnight and fix the crack next to the outlet in the kitchen.

Just Better: The gypsum-laced organic cereal
you've been eating for months has polished you're
teeth to a high, glossy whiteness.

Just Worse: You find a case of Captain Queeg's
Mercury Coated Fish Sticks in your freezer.

Kenny: You were right all along - you hadn't
put any steamed rice in the container with the
left over General Tso's Chicken.

mrdfnle wrote:Kenny up for grabs!!!

JB: Kenny up for stabs!!!
JW: Kenny lookin' fab!!!

Kenny: Saying the word "doooouche" out loud everytime you see this picture, currently in the window of every Starbucks coffee shop...

itchy mcgoo wrote:
Kenny: Saying the word "doooouche" out loud everytime you see this picture, currently in the window of every Starbucks coffee shop...

Just Better: Audibly muttering "HEY! FUCK YOU! ASSHOLE!" under your breath each time you take an order from an affluent, hurried Starbucks regular.

Just Worse: Thinking 'Yes, I really am lovin' it' every time you pass a MacDonald's.


Kenny: From this angle, on these drugs, my lover looks just like my mom/dad, except crying.

Andrew. wrote:Kenny: From this angle, on these drugs, my lover looks just like my mom/dad, except crying.

Just Better: Well, mom or dad were always pretty good to me in the sack, so this portends well...very well.

Just Worser: These drugs make me flaccid, so now I'm crying too.

Kenny Cheznez: Drunk, at your favorite nightclub the night before, you see the best rock show of your life. We're talking about seeing god here. Nursing your hangover the next morning you flip through the local music weekly to see who that fantastic band was and it turns out to be these guys:



Just then, there is a knock at the door. In your drunken haze, the night before, you agreed the let them sublet your extra bedroom. They are waving the signed contract as they walk in the door carrying mango daiquiris and the band blender.

-A