i made a 4th name for a forum and posted a shitload in an insomniac fit.

my typical posting style is short one liners, little asides, jokes. i write like i talk. kinda blunt.

after my 65th post in 6hours or so the owner of said forum sent me a message asking i stop spamming his board.

head in ass, foot in mouth indeed.

When I was nineteen I worked as a busboy at a chain Tex-Mex place. One night I was in the bar when two waitresses came over and told me to follow them. They led me into the women's restroom and pointed down into one of the toilets.

"The ass-gasket lock has fallen out of the dispenser and is at the bottom of the bowl," one said. I was used to disgusting wage-slave duties at the place, so I unhesitatingly reached down into the clear water and picked up the "lock." Well, it became horrifiyingly obvious to me what I had just harvested from the commode, but then I figured since my rep had just been irrevocably trashed I might as well become legend.

So I held the nugget aloft and proclaimed, "This is a turd."

Both of the servers fled the bathroom, and within minutes I was being gawked at by staff and not a few patrons as word spread.

I worked in a few restaurants in the area after that, and without fail the story either preceded me or would infect the place within a couple weeks.

Marsupialized wrote:

Rachi wrote:Is it really that gross?

yes

Will nose picking ever be accepted?

Maybe it's just me...

Rachi wrote:

Marsupialized wrote:

Rachi wrote:Is it really that gross?

yes

Will nose picking ever be accepted?

Maybe it's just me...

Nothing wrong with nose picking.

iembalm wrote:...So I held the nugget aloft and proclaimed, "This is a turd."

You rock.

Rachi wrote:Will nose picking ever be accepted?

Maybe it's just me...

You roll.

Combine your powers!

Boombats wrote:

iembalm wrote:...So I held the nugget aloft and proclaimed, "This is a turd."

You rock.

Rachi wrote:Will nose picking ever be accepted?

Maybe it's just me...

You roll.

Combine your powers!

Ha maybe he can pluck turds from my nose and everyone will live in fear of the wretched stench!

We could make the world a better place!!!

I stopped into a local bakery on my way home tonight to pick up some buns. The smell of the closing bakery was quite refreshing, so i commented as such to the young girls behind the counter. Their reply was "Oh, that's us." Of course, without due thought, the words from my mouth were "You mean y'all smell like yeast?"

I felt really bad saying that. On the upside I don't think they got it, and I walked out with a bag of buns gratis as their till was already shut down.

Braden wrote:buns gratis

that just sounds nice.

baseball - im around 11 years old, on a pitching machine team, riding the bench most of the time. my pants are usually virginal white at the end of each game. in the early innings of one of the games, i feel that old familiar sting in the log mill.

now, it's common knowledge that our place of play has a bathroom/large outhouse, albeit one with no electricity/running water. my ass says "GET TO THE FUCKING BATHROOM NOW," though i know when i get there i'm not going to allow myself to actually go in there and sit on a toilet seat i can't see. i arrive, can't bring myself to go in...and proceed to splat a large shit patty into my pants.

there is now a large skid mark down the back of my pants and i have to get back to the dugout (for what, right?) i can't go back with a splash of diarrhea on my ass. i get an idea. i plant my bum in the dirt and start scooting around like a dog, post-shit. i add a little more dirt to the side and head back.

for the rest of the game, i sit as far away from the rest of the guys as possible. the coach asks what happened. "i fell."

Braden wrote:I stopped into a local bakery on my way home tonight to pick up some buns. The smell of the closing bakery was quite refreshing, so i commented as such to the young girls behind the counter. Their reply was "Oh, that's us." Of course, without due thought, the words from my mouth were "You mean y'all smell like yeast?"

I felt really bad saying that. On the upside I don't think they got it, and I walked out with a bag of buns gratis as their till was already shut down.

You mean it didn't even get a rise out of them?