I was recently contacted by someone, after not seeing her or hearing from her for several years, and she told me that during that time she had lost a baby. Basically she went into labor about 3 weeks early, after something crazy like 20 hours of labor, her water broke and it ruptured the placenta and the baby bled to death. Since then, she's had another baby...who is healthy.
I don't have children, and I can't even begin to imagine what she went through...so I had no fucking clue what to say to her, except "I'm sorry." I tried to explain that I didn't know what else to say, but I don't feel like that's good enough. I don't think she's telling me now "just because," and although I"m not 100% sure she wants/needs some comfort or something else, I feel like I should be doing or saying more. But what?!?
Has anyone gone through something like this, or maybe you've known someone who has? What were the things that helped you/them get through it?
Losing a baby
2From my experience as a funeral director for ten years:
It is likely that at the time she was surrounded by well-meaning friends and family who were afraid of saying the wrong thing and making things worse. They may have said vague, seemingly helpful things like, "Let me know if there's anything I can do," or even "You're young - you can have more children."
At the time of the baby's death, what might have been most helpful would have been people close to her asking open-ended questions that required more than a straight yes or no answer so she was encouraged to talk about it. Enormously helpful for her (and also her husband/partner) would be specific offers of assistance during her physical recovery period, like making food that could be frozen, running errands for her, or taking care of her other kids, if any. Short term, just knowing she has people around her that care and are willing to do things to make her more comfortable and help her through the initial, let's face it - nightmare, is valuable in the extreme.
As you describe it, that she contacted you and told the story of her baby's death (and it is the death of a baby regardless of how long into term it happened: as a funeral director I care about the emotional impact on her and her family, and they would have been grieving a child and a future as aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, etc., that they had prepared for, but had taken away from them) I would guess that she did not receive what she needed emotionally and is looking for it now. I have also seen that having a healthy child that soon after her trauma can make the emotional burden of being a parent more difficult, though she may not even be aware of it, especially if it is her first experience raising a child.
You seem concerned and willing to help your friend, so I would suggest a couple of things. First, go online and look for websites that offer support to people who have gone through what she has. They often feature the accounts of women who have lost children, what helped, what made it worse and so on. I assume you have her phone number or another way to contact her again. You being the one to call next time would indicate to her that you're not afraid to help, in itself beneficial. She may have had other friends drop out of her life because they didn't know how to be there for her during her acute grief, and getting in touch with older friends could be a way to get the support she should have had then. You might also want to make sure she isn't reestablishing contact with you without the knowledge of her husband/partner.
When you talk to her it should be apparent when she brings up something that is painful or unresolved. Encourage her to talk more about those things with, as I mentioned, open-ended questions like "How do you feel about (whatever it is) now that some time has passed," or asking her directly what would have been helpful to her at the time. I don't know how close you were to her before, but if you see major personality or behavior differences, it might be an indication that her grief process needs professional assistance, which could come from clergy or counseling. You might want to see if people you knew before, who have been part of her life in the interim, have anything to say you could use to "fill in the blanks" of her experience the last few years.
Sorry to be longwinded. Hope this helps at least a little.
It is likely that at the time she was surrounded by well-meaning friends and family who were afraid of saying the wrong thing and making things worse. They may have said vague, seemingly helpful things like, "Let me know if there's anything I can do," or even "You're young - you can have more children."
At the time of the baby's death, what might have been most helpful would have been people close to her asking open-ended questions that required more than a straight yes or no answer so she was encouraged to talk about it. Enormously helpful for her (and also her husband/partner) would be specific offers of assistance during her physical recovery period, like making food that could be frozen, running errands for her, or taking care of her other kids, if any. Short term, just knowing she has people around her that care and are willing to do things to make her more comfortable and help her through the initial, let's face it - nightmare, is valuable in the extreme.
As you describe it, that she contacted you and told the story of her baby's death (and it is the death of a baby regardless of how long into term it happened: as a funeral director I care about the emotional impact on her and her family, and they would have been grieving a child and a future as aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, etc., that they had prepared for, but had taken away from them) I would guess that she did not receive what she needed emotionally and is looking for it now. I have also seen that having a healthy child that soon after her trauma can make the emotional burden of being a parent more difficult, though she may not even be aware of it, especially if it is her first experience raising a child.
You seem concerned and willing to help your friend, so I would suggest a couple of things. First, go online and look for websites that offer support to people who have gone through what she has. They often feature the accounts of women who have lost children, what helped, what made it worse and so on. I assume you have her phone number or another way to contact her again. You being the one to call next time would indicate to her that you're not afraid to help, in itself beneficial. She may have had other friends drop out of her life because they didn't know how to be there for her during her acute grief, and getting in touch with older friends could be a way to get the support she should have had then. You might also want to make sure she isn't reestablishing contact with you without the knowledge of her husband/partner.
When you talk to her it should be apparent when she brings up something that is painful or unresolved. Encourage her to talk more about those things with, as I mentioned, open-ended questions like "How do you feel about (whatever it is) now that some time has passed," or asking her directly what would have been helpful to her at the time. I don't know how close you were to her before, but if you see major personality or behavior differences, it might be an indication that her grief process needs professional assistance, which could come from clergy or counseling. You might want to see if people you knew before, who have been part of her life in the interim, have anything to say you could use to "fill in the blanks" of her experience the last few years.
Sorry to be longwinded. Hope this helps at least a little.
Last edited by iembalm_Archive on Thu Jul 12, 2007 11:51 am, edited 2 times in total.
Losing a baby
4Holy shit. I never expected to get such awesome advice! Thank you very very much.
(P.S. In a sick and twisted way I think it's very cool that you're an ACTUAL funeral director. I thought your username was some gae reference to some death metal band or something. But it's not! Salut!)
(P.S. In a sick and twisted way I think it's very cool that you're an ACTUAL funeral director. I thought your username was some gae reference to some death metal band or something. But it's not! Salut!)
Oh, and fuck Mars Volta.
Losing a baby
5probably a good thing to note is that this is very common. has generally nothing to do with her or her actions. sometimes a fetus is just not developing correctly and the body knows this.
Losing a baby
6iembalm wrote:From my experience as a funeral director for ten years:
...
What a great person and sensitive response. This board needs more iembalm!
it's not the length, it's the gersch
Losing a baby
7El Protoolio wrote:iembalm wrote:From my experience as a funeral director for ten years:
...
What a great person and sensitive response. This board needs more iembalm!
I agree wholeheartedly!!! I was really worried about what kind of response I would receive.
Oh, and fuck Mars Volta.
Losing a baby
8I have never had any experience with losing a child nor do I know anyone who has, but I recently read a piece in some magazine(Newsweek, maybe?) written by a woman who had recently lost someone close to her. She wrote that many people close to her were there for her and offered their support, but she also wrote that often times people would ask things like, "are you keeping busy?" or other similar questions. She said that these kinds of questions never helped and often made her feel worse, as if she should be keeping busy to avoid thinking about her loss. She didn't want to just keep busy to forget and try to keep her mind off the memory of her family member. Again, I have never lost anyone close to me, but it seems like this is a very useful piece of advice. Your friend won't be able to keep her mind off of it, no doubt, and the suggestion of "keeping busy" might not help, and could potentially hurt even more. I think this goes along with embalm's advice of asking open-ended questions. Just listen and be there to help, I guess.
Losing a baby
9iembalm wrote:You might also want to make sure she isn't reestablishing contact with you without the knowledge of her husband/partner.
I just wanted to highlight this, because I think this is definitely something to consider.
Any other advice I might have had was already said better than I could ever say it.
iembalm, if you don't have the "IEMBALM" vanity license plates already, you should get on that.
Losing a baby
10way to bum everyone out, man
way to go, dead babies, great
way to go, dead babies, great
Rick Reuben wrote:Marsupialized reminds me of freedom