An octopus walks into a pub and proudly declares "I can play ANY instrument"

"Oh yeah?" said an englishman, the man hands the octopus a guitar. The octopus takes the guitar, sits down and starts playing the blues. His guitar playing is incredible, better than Jimi Hendrix.

An Irishman says "Pretty good for an octopus, but how well can you play the piano?" The octopus walks over to the piano, sits down and starts playing. His mastery of the keys is sublime, yet also conveys a mood of charming whimsy, even better than Thelonious Monk.

Suddenly, a Scotsman jumps up from the back of the bar and says, "I bet ye cannae play THIS!" and he hands the octopus a set of bagpipes. The octopus sits down and desperately fumbles around with the instrument for over an hour, before the Scotsman gets really annoyed and says "Well, can ye play it or not?" To which the octopus replies "Play? I'm gonna fuck her brains out as soon as I can figure out how to get her damn pajamas off!"

Q: What could you say about the married Amish woman with a lover?

A: She had two menonite!!!!


GET IT?!

What do you call a man dressed all in black with his arm halfway up a horse's ass?

No, not Billy Corgan, an Amish mechanic!

From Needful Things which I just finished:

A man walks in to the doctor and the doctor tells him His wife is sick and she has either AIDS or Alzheimer's.

The man says "Well what do I do?"

The doctor says "That's easy. Just take her out and drop her off 25 miles from here and if she comes back don't fuck her."

I was walking out of the bike shop yesterday after buying my new bike and I was in the middle of telling a story/joke to my wife the guy passing us only heard 'he's one of a only a handful of people I know who has fucked a dead body'
he actually stopped and turned around and said 'what?!'
I said 'this dude I know, he fucked a dead body'
He just turned around real quick and walked away

I bet he's gonna think about that for awhile.

Now I am intrigued to hear the rest of the joke...

the Argument wrote:

I was walking out of the bike shop yesterday after buying my new bike and I was in the middle of telling a story/joke to my wife the guy passing us only heard 'he's one of a only a handful of people I know who has fucked a dead body'
he actually stopped and turned around and said 'what?!'
I said 'this dude I know, he fucked a dead body'
He just turned around real quick and walked away

I bet he's gonna think about that for awhile.

Now I am intrigued to hear the rest of the joke...

It started when I told her a story about how one of the brokers at the board where I used to work was doing coke with a girl and they got in the hotub and did more coke and began fucking and at some point she died and he had no idea she was dead till he was finished.

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escapes from prison?



A small medium at large!

alanis morissette walks into a bar. the bartender says "why the long face?"

Kid asks his old man, "Dad, how do you spell 'clitoris'?"

Dad replies, "Shit, son...I wish you would have asked me last night. It was on the tip of my tongue"

A white horse walks into a pub.
Barman: "We have a whisky named after you!"
White horse: "What - 'Eric'?"