Jiz all over the inside of my pants for the rest of the day? Sir, you insult me! I masturbated over one hundred times in class! I was a pro! I had that shit down to a science and I never made a mess. I was very careful and I'd always place a sheet of standard loose-leaf paper in just the right spot to insure no, ahem, spillage. To learn more about masturbating in public without making a mess, visit your local library!

This story dates from when I first moved to NYC and was working as a temp and hadn't quite gotten the hang of responsible living. So i was up really late one sunday night at some disgusting bar with like minded friends and like a dumbass I'm thinking it's no big deal becayse i have a big bag of blow left over from the weekend so I'm thinking sleep is an optional thing.

At the time I had a bad habit where I'd cut out a line on the nightstand and then go to bed so when the alarm goes off all i need is enough strength to roll over and inhale and I'm ready to face the day.

So anyways, it's working out like a motherfucker and I'm primed in the latest H+M gear profiling on the G train like it ain't no thing, blasted to the moon. Well the announcer guy comes on and says 'We are being held due to a train in front of us' and this continues for like 15 minutes.

So, i start to get all anxious because the buzz is wearing off and I should have been at the office already so I say fuck it and hop into that little gap between subway cars and break out a key and start to take some bumps.

Well wouldn't you know it but the train starts moving and the vibrations plus the blow and probably all the bourbon from the night before starts to rumble and I can feel my ass start to brown-cap. I'm talking about a full on prairie dog situation here.

So what the fuck to do right? Well here's where things get a little fucked up. I drop my cargo pants around my ankles and just start to take a dump. More like a mud spray to be blunt about it. Well of course this happens just as the train comes into the station and there i am with my bare ass out spraying the fuck out of the morning rush hour crowd. Yeah.

It looked like some kid with a brown spray paint can had just run down the platform with his finger on the button.

Uh oh. And this was at the Bedford/Nostrand stop where the locals do *not* play around. I'm fully expecting to get my ass whomped up real good like as a crowd of very angry young homeboys comes right for me. I had to think real fast like so i just leaned over farther with my hairy ass sticking out and yelled something like "first motherfucker that comes near me is getting his face filled up with this shit right here."

The homeys just kind of stood like they didn't know what to do, some with my ass-juice dripping off the front of their shirts and so on. Thankfully it confused them enough that they faltered and in the 20 seconds or so the train started up again.

So I jumped off at the next stop and grabbed a gypsy cab to work, and then ended up sitting there in my cubicle and all was cool but the smell started to get bad and I knew if I get up everyone's gonna see the giant brown stain on the ass of my pants.

Once I came to my senses I basically got up and made a beeline for the fire stairs and went back home. I never called the temp agency and for some odd reason they never called to ask me what happened.

This reminds me of a friend's kid who when seeing a sikh (who wear turbans) for the first time while walking on the street screams out "Look ma, a genie!".


[quote="LAD"]This one’s best when my mother tells it.

My mother was sitting in a doctor’s waiting room with Patrick, who was maybe aged 11 or 12 twelve, putting his mental state more at the level of a 5 year-old. They were alone until a middle-aged woman walked in and sat down. This was the mid eighties and the woman had an exceptional amount of make up on, enough that anyone would be hard pressed not to stare.


Patrick pointed and said “LOOK MOM, IT’S A CLOWN!!â€

Some friends from LA were in Seattle to play a rock show, & I attended with a few other mutual friends. We all hung around after the show, & ended up taking the band van to one of the friend's house for some late night drinking.

I of course had already done plenty of early night drinking, & was quite drunk. I was also quite thirsty; and when I climbed out of the parked van, I noticed a liter-sized water bottle under the seat. Without hesitation I grabbed it, uncapped it, and gulped it down.

Maybe it was because I was drunk, and maybe it was because I was thirsty, but the strange taste didn't slow me down much. I took three full-mouthed swigs. I stopped not because I was disgusted at drinking the guitarist's pee, but because my thirst was quenched.

As soon as I lowered the bottle, I realized what I'd done, as did those around me, including the guitarist. I wanted to forget about it, but of course that was not an option.

In the years since, I've had occasion to pee in bar restrooms next to the guitarist. It's kind of awkward, and kind of funny.

spoot Posted: Wed Dec 15, 2004 3:44 pm Post subject:

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Some friends from LA were in Seattle to play a rock show, & I attended with a few other mutual friends. We all hung around after the show, & ended up taking the band van to one of the friend's house for some late night drinking.

I of course had already done plenty of early night drinking, & was quite drunk. I was also quite thirsty; and when I climbed out of the parked van, I noticed a liter-sized water bottle under the seat. Without hesitation I grabbed it, uncapped it, and gulped it down.

Maybe it was because I was drunk, and maybe it was because I was thirsty, but the strange taste didn't slow me down much. I took three full-mouthed swigs. I stopped not because I was disgusted at drinking the guitarist's pee, but because my thirst was quenched.

As soon as I lowered the bottle, I realized what I'd done, as did those around me, including the guitarist. I wanted to forget about it, but of course that was not an option.

In the years since, I've had occasion to pee in bar restrooms next to the guitarist. It's kind of awkward, and kind of funny.
____________________________________________________________

You drank Pee! HAHAHA. That's funny.

Between this post and the subway shit-spray post, I nominate this as the best thread of the millennium.

The subway story strikes me as either a tremendous and pointless lie or useless exagerration of a story that would have been funny anyway.

But then who am I to question a man aiming his sphincter at people and threatening them Dirty Harry style?

Rotten Tanx wrote:The subway story strikes me as either a tremendous and pointless lie or useless exagerration of a story that would have been funny anyway.

But then who am I to question a man aiming his sphincter at people and threatening them Dirty Harry style?

Man it was bizzare, but that's a straight true story, totally accurate. If you like that one I have another that's even more embarrassing. Those days were nuts, about a week later (and freshly jobless) I was out at this kind of nightclub place. I hate crowds but I had this old friend from high school that's married and so on and he was going through some stuff with the wife and I know how important is for some people to get out and back with the old friends at the bar and so on. So anyways he's like that new place sullivan is supposed to be really good and there's girls there and you know that kind of thing. I'm said sure it's an old friend so no big deal, and they escort me to the corner table (of course) and I'm trying to mind my own business, maybe let my bro get laid due to my status, mixing lines of special K and some more blow to keep mellow and all that.

So my buddy says he's got some girl waiting outside in the car and can we move on so he can get some action while drive to the next spot. Alright whatever, so we're coming down delancy and it's dark and I'm on the cell phone trying to make a little money, doing my friend this favor right, so he can get some. So all of a sudden he starts freaking out and screaming. I hit the light and turns out this betty of his was a fuckin' man. Out comes the glock 9mm - last thing I want is to touch that motherfucker. Told the driver to roll down and up to the williamsburg bridge and pull over. Two shots to this trannie in the head and it was over and in the river. Yo, I do NOT roll like that. Then I had to wax my friend too, cause he was screaming about how he'd blown his load in this nasty trannies mouth.

He was my homey and all, but I don't roll with homos man, and actions speak louder than words you know. I set up a fund for his kids though, you know for karma and all.

Yeah dude it's all a joke and an average one at that... Happy Holidays. Over and out.

stop ruining everything.




Faiz

kerble wrote:stop ruining everything.




Faiz

ditto.

I told this to two colleagues of mine after dinner the other night and they both got totally hysterical. I hope it works as well in print.

When I was fifteen or sixteen, me and Bobby Whitaker were riding around in his fucking gorgeous red Chevelle, smoking weed and drinking beers. We ended up down at the boat docks (on the Ohio River), where people generally congregated to party on weekend nights. After prowling the parking lot for a while, Bobby spied this girl he was really into. He suggested that we get her and her friend to ride around with us for a while--the only problem was the girl's friend was big as a house. The hot girl was obviously not going to bail on her friend, so it was a package deal. He begged me to be cool and go along with it, and after hemming and hawing and making him kiss my ass for a while, I finally gave in.

So we rode around, smoking and drinking, and I proceeded to get totally blowed out. We ended up back at the boat docks, parked. Soon enough, Bobby and the girl were getting it on hot and heavy in the front seat. I tried to focus in on whatever was blaring out of the radio and ignore the fat chick sitting next to me, who kept trying to make conversation. When the moans and rustling in the front seat became unbearable, I figured, "What the fuck--I might get a hand job out of it," and started making out with the chick.

After a while, I had her shirt up and was slobbering all over one of her truly enormous breasts. The weird thing was, I couldn't locate the nipple. I licked all over that fucking thing before I realized that her nipple was still in her bra, which was pressed against my forehead. I'd been totally going to town, sucking on one of her fat rolls.