I woke up feeling tired and fat and late this morning after having taken Dindon out last night to a very tasty Thai restaurant. As much as I like my morning stroll to work, I figured I'd best jump on a bus as I could barely walk and there wasn't the time to anyway. On the bus I picked up a copy of the fine, upstanding publication that is
The Metro, and was casually reading about
England's latest ignominious defeat when I noticed a gargantuan spider running up my tie towards my face. This fucker was big! And headed straight for my nose! I mean, this is England, so granted, the spiders are never that large - but this one was probably the biggest I've ever seen over here, a good three or four inches of leg width. It was all I could do to let out an involuntary yelp of "fuckin' 'ell!"
This attracted attention to my plight, as the sneaky little arachnid made a brazen dash across my chest and down my sleeve. I'm not scared of spiders at all, but all the same the last thing I want is a huge one crawling all over me first thing in the morning - especially one trying to gain entry to my shirt via the collar, as this one now was. I was stood up by this point, kind of writhing a bit, with everyone looking at me bewilderedly. "Sorry", I spluttered, "massive spider".
That was a can of worms opened. Cue the screams of two women to my right, who in some automatic defence mechanism jumped up on to their seats as a 1950s housewife who'd just seen a mouse perusing the delights of her kitchen cupboard might jump on to a table. It was at this point that I hurled the spider (now amusing himself on my right hand) from my person, whereupon our hero landed on the lap of the guy sat behind me. He'd been pretty much oblivious to the whole thing, half asleep and listening to his ipod, but he must have sensed something because he instantly opened his eyes and loudly exclaimed "fuck me!"
He dealt with his aggressor much more swiftly than I managed to, brushing him to the floor with a deft forehand. "Panic over", I thought, and returned to my seat, relieved. But no, the two neurotic dames from earlier in the story were still whimpering and shaking away, and to my horror the stupider-looking one now started imploring me to "find it! kill it!"
"He's long gone", I said, trying to offer them some reassurance, and more to the point get them off my back. "Where is it? What have you done with it?", they started cooing in unison. What have I done with it? Nothing! Jesus, get a grip! "Look", I said, "calm down. He's gone now - you don't have to worry about it.". The stupider-looking one started repeating under her breath, "I want to get off, I want to get off". Her friend, somehow convinced of my responsibility, looked at her, and then coldly at me, as if to say "see what you have done!". "Find the spider and kill it, for god's sake!" she said.
I sighed and started looking around under the seats but I couldn't see him anywhere. Then suddenly he reappeared, darting out from nowhere and defiantly positioning himself in the middle of the walkway. More screams. The stupider-looking one starts hyperventilating and having a full-blown panic attack. Just my luck. I get down on my hands and knees and start trying to herd the spider in to my hands so I can chuck him out the window, but this fucker's a tricky one. Whenever I get the slightest hold on him, he slips the other way, and invariably heads towards his victims. By now the whole fucking bus is looking at me, and every Tom, Dick and Harry starts chipping in. "Kill it!" "Pick it up!" "It's only a bloody spider love, calm down". "I can't understand what all the fuss is about." "Grab his leg!". "KILL IT!!!"
And there he is, right underneath the raised sole of my shoe. The moment is mine for the taking. With the simplest of downward movements I could squash him mercilessly. So quickly and effortlessly. His destiny is in my hands.
"But I don't want to kill it!"
"Just kill it!"
"But... but... what has he ever done to you?"
I am paralysed. Spider still underfoot. A vision before me: the whole bus, chanting in unison "Kill the spider" Cut his throat! Bash him in!"
Suddenly, a hand whips under my foot, grabs the spider by the leg, and throws him out the window. A man from a few rows back has taken the situation in to his own hands. "There", he says, definitely, and retakes his seat. I do likewise. The girls to my right begin to calm down. Show's over, nothing to see.
The rest of the short journey wasn't a comfortable one. I could feel the eyes staring at me. In particular, the girls to my right, still trembling, are giving me looks of pure hatred. Quite audibly, one of them says "I can't believe that wanker wouldn't kill it. What a wanker". I sat there, unable to speak. How was I at fault? What did I do wrong? I tried to help!
Anyway, the bus came to a stop, and I got off and headed off for work. As I got in the lift, the ridiculousness of the whole farce struck me. What in the hell was it all about? It was only a spider! Should I have killed it? Fuck that. There was no need. And fuck those girls for their attitudes. I was simply trying to help. But I've got to admit, the whole affair was pretty funny too. What a stupid start to the day.
