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by Bradley R Weissenberger_Archive
The Carpenters are an interesting phenomenon to me.
Why? Because no matter how vapid and maudlin their music might be, people of taste and intelligence will step up to defend this band without hesitation.
I do not understand it. The Carpenters are a bullshit band with bullshit songs. I find nothing of merit in this band's music. The performances and sound are excruciatingly formulaic and dull, even by the standards of 1970s AM lite rock. There is no emotional heft. Dull dull novocaine dull. It's music that is perfectly suited for adaptation to Muzak, most likely because there is no meaningful distinction between The Carpenters and Muzak. Jesus, this music is just so fucking wholesome. This band is the soundtrack for a suburban housewife clipping supermarket coupons.
You would think that a damaged soul like Karen Carpenter would cough up something at least slightly off-kilter. Nope. Not even "Rainy Days and Mondays" rings true. It sounds like she's singing from a phonebook. It's almost like she was detemined to be soulless.
Plain. Hollow. Vanilla. Empty. Shit. As empty as the Pope's workout schedule.
On my most generous day ever, I still wouldn't even give you "Top Of The World" or "Close To You", which are their two best songs. Christ, Debbie Boone brought more soul with "You Light Up My Life". Fuck, I got more out of Donny & Marie, which is really saying something. And can The Carpenters ever be forgiven for some of those remakes (e.g., Marvlettes, The Beatles, Klaatu)?
You know who liked this band? Richard Nixon liked this band.
CRAP. Among the easiest CRAPS.
But I am sorry, Karen Carpenter. I am sorry your brain made you sick and you died. I am truly sorry because it is unfair for your brain to think that you are not beautiful. And it is unfair to die your slow and terrible death because of your crazy lady brain. Resquiescat in pace, beautiful Karen Carpenter, for you are beautiful.