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by jimmy spako_Archive
hey internet friends.surprisingly there has apparently never been a thread here specifically for anxiety attacks.i decided not to put this in crap/not crap because i'm pretty sure that the poll would have turned out rather lopsided (especially if you disregard the solo records).i had my first real full blown anxiety attack at work last week.i teach english part time as my day job.i had to break off my last class with twenty minutes left to go after having had to leave the room twice feigning nausea/ an upset stomach. it was a one-on-one lesson & i think my student bought it.everything was going fine, there was no problem in particular in the lesson, besides the fact that i didn't want to be there, but somehow i lost a grip on the conversation.funny detail: i take notes during my lessons...grammar stuff that i hit on later, vocabulary that i make them write down at the end & just general key words to keep my head in the conversation or remarks/questions that i want to come back to. dirty industry secret: i probably take more notes in a really boring class than in a more engaging one, in part so that i don't have to have eye contact the whole time. students don't really realise this & they think the note taking is generally good, as they see that i am constantly "structuring" the lesson, no matter how free it can seem to get. anyways, during this lesson, my student was talking about taking a walk somewhere on the weekend, as a conversational warm-up, & i had written "hiking", then she went on & somehow i wrote "fucking" underneath it, probably meaning to write "hiking" again. i think i looked down at it & panicked a bit (we were sitting right across from each other at a small table), crossed it out & then started to have a full blown anxiety attack.yesterday i had my second one, again in a lesson that was going well, towards the beginning. i excused myself, saying i was feeling unwell, went to the restroom & breathed deeply for a couple minutes till the worst had passed, then went back & said that i had been feeling dizzy/nauseous lately. i continued the lesson & it went alright. fortunately i was doing an extended listening thing with a podcast: we were listening to an episode of this american life on toxic assets/the financial crisis & i was able to prop myself up on it as it were, listening to small chunks, & stopping often to ask comprehension questions & discuss the story. it was tough but i made it through.i called work today & told our management assistant who has been led to believe that she is assistant manager exactly what happened (without the fucking part) & that i was going to the doctor's & couldn't teach today. i dreaded doing that but she was very understanding. my doctor, who is pretty good, more of a holistic medicine guy, was already out on his easter vacation so i went to his sub. she didn't say a whole bunch but seemed to say that my symptoms were part of the greater category of depression & that i had two options: psychotherapy or medication. i asked whether she meant natural medication or prescription medication. she answered that she meant the latter. i turned down the medication, as i see that as a last resort. the fact that she went for it so quickly, she literally probably would have prescribed me something right there, talked to me for thirty more seconds & sent me on my way, that made me want to wait till my doctor comes back to talk to him & maybe get a referral for therapy if it is covered by my insurance. in the end she wanted to give me an excuse for two weeks' sick leave but i cut it down to one, so as not to piss off my employers. i now have about twelve days off from teaching. all i have to do over that time is play a couple of gigs, one here & one on the road. i have made some positive changes of late & will use this week to get really quality sleep, lots of fresh air (& sun, weather permitting), exercise, cut out the booze & just generally let go of all the bullshit i'm probably still holding on to.my sister has had a lot of experience with these things & is helping me out from a distance, fortunately. some good things have happened over the last months, my record is coming out soon on a great little label & i've started working on the next one & road testing a new approach live. but i've been under a lot of stress. i've been in this place way too long & am very frustrated. i've made plans to be out of here by november & now that i have made this decision i think that a lot of bile is just coming up, a lot of repressed anger & frustration.i don't have a problem admitting when i don't know something, or coming off stage & saying "yeah, that part was pretty good, but this other thing kind of sucked, i need to work on that." but it is really hard for me to show weakness like this, to be kind of sick, not entirely in control of my body & mind. it is difficult not to just "be hard" & tough it out, especially in front of other people.well, this is a pretty big topic & i know many of you will have very constructive things to say about it. please forgive my rambling & don't worry too much about me. instead go ahead & share your stories & advice for the benefit of the occassionally anxious on this fine forum.best,-jimmy