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by SR-1_Archive
jimmy spako wrote:one thing i wanted to say: i'm afraid sometimes i come off as if i've got shit sorted or something. my original post reads like so i had this panic attack, right, but i totally dug my tiger teeth into it & i rode it out & nobody was the wiser, 'cause i'm awesome like that. i'm sorry for that. i'm kind of on my own & so i have to talk to myself that way i guess, i'm all hey buddy, you'll make it seventeen times a second.Welcome to Nutso-city - population you (and several million other people.) I do this a lot. I HAVE TO DO THIS. If I don't look out at the night sky and bask in its beauty, if I don't take greedy gulps of night air and assure myself that everything is as good as it can be and that I am safe, I'd be even more non-functional than I am now (most likely dead.) I couldn't count how many times I've used that mantra from Selenography :You will be safeYou will be asleepSomeone will have their hand running through your hairThe world is full of imagesSome of them will be transparentGhosts that only catch on video framesYou will be cared forYou won't freezeToo many casualties to keep track ofSomeone will keep track of themYou will be safe in the darkYou will be warm at night with the windows openYou will be lovedYou are rememberedI'm prone to obsessive, cyclical impulses. Some of them seem like quirks like avoiding the colour blue (to the point where I asked Kevin for a different colour case lining) and some of them are deeply destructive. I used to have a stack of notebooks about a metre tall that I would daily pump a few thousand words into about all the ways I was failing as a human being. I lugged them around with me for years until they contributed to a immensely satisfying bonfire. Its not completely awful, depends on where you focus that energy. I'm sure Turing or Bukowski had their own array of obsessions and insecurities.I guess that's the positive of having a mental illness. If you're frequently or constantly in a state where you feel imminent impending doom, whether through disaster or some other strange misadventure, the mentally ill person is essentially as free from fear as much as he/she is consumed by it. Why bother? is as applicable to the act as it is to the fear of the act or the end result or whatever. Why bother recording an hour long Sleep-rip-off drone about Werner Von Braun when the world is ending tonight? Why not? As if I have anything better to do with myself.I don't know what I'm trying to say in this post. You're not alone? Do I need to say that? Do you realize this is a fundamental truth? (Do I?) Exercise is good. If you're going to feel exhausted and drained, might as well have a reason for it. I've spent parts of the past two days under a slasher, connecting an extremely heavy blade to the drive. Despite the imminent danger of failing hydraulics and decapitation I've seldom felt more calm in recent times. (My body is scratched and bruised and sore though.)Sorry if this makes no sense at all.