I think your honesty and candor here is actually quite brave+1I had little inkling of what you've been going through from your Facebook presence. I did remember that your mother had passed away recently, but the other stuff is news to me -- that is some serious and difficult shit to contend with. I'm just some random internet person, but I hereby encourage you to share what you're going through, without fear or shame, because it helps both you individually and the people you share with who can relate, of whom there are probably more than you realize now.

Just wanted to hop in here to say that I can be counted among those who struggle with persistent bad thoughts. Throw one more on the pile.

FD, i couldn't do what you do. i am the archetypal pussy. i am also fucking amazing in a trillion pussyish ways as are you. here's to the amazing diversity of humankind and especially the anxious and the weak. we have to fight every day in ways that some people will never understand and i hope for their sakes they never have to. bless their arid, calloused hearts.ok that's enough for now. prod me whenever you're in need. you're a great person in trying circumstances but you will prevail.

I'd like to share a few things. I believe I've shared some of it here already but I'm ready and wanting to share more of what I've been going through lately. I'm pretty sure a lot of folks will relate, or have had similar experiences.Anyway, over the last few years I've experienced those most and closest loss I've yet to see. An uncle and an aunt ended up dying early, and awfully due to untreated mental illness and addiction. My mother got cancer and has gone away. While this was happening and I was learning how to deal and to support, I suffered an injury at work. I don't want to go into detail, but it was violent in nature. My job involves dealing with compromised people who can be quite violent and I became the victim of a traumatic episode. I have been off work since November. They won't let me back until a professional deems me fit. I am in the midst of this, still trying to understand it all. I've been seeing a therapist, regularly and this has been one of the best ¦ maybe the best thing I've been able to do in my life. I've also been ordered to have an assessement with a psychologist, and while that has been completed, the next steps are taking a long time to complete. In the meantime I guess my mental health has been degrading. Since the incident I have been struggling with almost daily panic attacks or whatever. I have a med for it. Ativan. It has been a life-saver, but it makes it very hard to do certain things like be creative and I am afraid of becoming addicted to it. But, I am really struggling with that thing -this panic. It seems uncontrollable. My emotions feel like fireworks and It's really hard to figure out wher the old me is. I tell this story with great fear. But, as I stated in the opening I have an interest in killing that fear. However, I live with the deepest fear, everyday. It's hard to express, but I feel that I am generally a coward. A pussy, as Marsup would say. I don't really like myself much and I am starting to see that I am very angry, in general. I am starting to see how this energy has been directed into creativity, without me realizing it. Maybe that's what people refer to when they say music and art is theraputic.I have thought about suicide for much of my life, but never acted on it. Lately, the bad thoughts have gotten much worse. I have had many periods before where I have gotten what I call stuck. I can't move much, or do anything, and I just sleep all day and night. Or sometimes I barely sleep at all, and just stare at screens or ruminate on an idea or feeling, not interacting with people or real life. But, lately these episodes have gotten more frequent and intense. And, while this has been happening I've been seeing the therapist. Things have come to light. I was finally able to get a regular doctor after years of not having one. Together, they have decided that I am a very strong contender for having some level of ADD, or ADHD. We've been trying a medication but It has had very little effect, good or bad. The only real effect is that my armpits won't stop sweating. Lovely. So, with the information gathered in therapy and assessments, and based on my injury and how my med doesn't seem to work, they've decided that I am most likely suffering a combination of PTSD and Depression. They've informed me that this a good reason why the ADHD med won't work. Until those things are dealt with, I won't see an improvement from that. So, luckily my doctor was able to get me a referral to our small city's best psychiatrist. We don't have many, and apparently this one is extremely successful in dealing with cases like me. So, I am fortunate in that regard. In the meantime, I remain stuck a lot of the time, and the ugly thoughts become overbearing. At those times I have found that my local crisis hotline has become invaluable. That is something I never ever thought I'd be saying. But, that is also because I spent a lifetime ignoring myself. Now, I am here, doing my best to deal. And, I feel alone. My family would never understand. I cannot talk to them. I have a partner, and she's amazing. Really. I am so, so lucky. But, I can't burden her with all of this all the time. So, the hotline has helped me with my panic by forcing me to ground myself to reality. I'm accumulating various tools for this like breathing exercises and, as mentioned, the grounding exercises. I tell all this shit with great fear of being rejected by a lot of who, because I've grown to love my extended family. I've said that the BBQ changed my life. That is because I finally felt like I found my tribe. Getting to hang with you all helped me see my own strength and I want this thread to offer at least a facsimile.

Hey, it's surprising to see the response. Thank you, everyone for the encouragement and for sharing what you have. I appreciate it. And, these responses are exactly what I was hoping this thread would be - a place where we can freely talk about this shit and normalize it. It's so widespread an common but no one wants to really dig deep and talk about it, so I just think every little bit helps.Again, I'm not trying to undermine the other threads. Maybe this one can serve as a catch all for what doesn't seem to fit the other ones.*Edit - sorry if this response seems lacking, but I'm a bit overwhelmed at everyone's candor and kindness and don't know what to say, except thanks and let's keep going.

Hey. I realize we have a few threads about various things regarding our mental health - Depression, anxiety, etc. However, it's all spread out, and scattered. I thought it would be cool to have a giant, general thread where we could discuss more of these issues as they relate ourselves, and our loved ones. We've all been touched by mental illness/instability/etc., whether it was our own struggle or a family member or a friend. The trouble is that as much as we've learned, there still remains a stigma. There remains a fear, and a shame. This place does incredible things. Many of the people that frequent this place - the people drawn to it, seem to have a lot of love to give, and perseverence, and a desire to put out the best of themselves -to really connect. I'm not trying to gush or blow smoke - just noticing what's already been laid out. It would be really great to use those strengths to help kill the stigma of mental illness - to normalize the subject, thereby making it easier for folks to get help faster and more effectively. If everyone thinks this thread is a bad idea because it weakens the other ones I totally get that. I could be off on my impulse here, and that's fine. I don't mean to offend.

seanurban wrote:Mental Health's rhythm section is tight, but the singer drones on way too long. Stigma Killing Machine used to have bass player (i think). What happened to him?He got hooked on brown tones and went nuts.

oh, frank, i feel for you.i have been through a lot of what you write.everybody is afraid. if someone would shame you here, then they are in the wrong place, because this board is, was and always has been an endless source of support. may it always be that way. there is no heroism in not feeling your feelings. there is much heroism in being naked in front of yourself & going from there. i have one question for now: do you want to go back to your job?do whatever you have to do to feel better, it can be as sloppy as it has to be.wishing you peace & resilience,-jimmy

::: wrote:I think your honesty and candor here is actually quite brave+1I had little inkling of what you've been going through from your Facebook presence. I did remember that your mother had passed away recently, but the other stuff is news to me -- that is some serious and difficult shit to contend with. I'm just some random internet person, but I hereby encourage you to share what you're going through, without fear or shame, because it helps both you individually and the people you share with who can relate, of whom there are probably more than you realize now.Thirded. This is a lot of difficult stuff to deal with, and help (professional, casual, random-internet) is important. Tell people things--it's ok. One observation that might (or might not) be helpful is that the negative thoughts are just thoughts. People tend to treat negative thoughts as being somehow perceptive or specially forceful, but a lot of these thoughts are just noise. (Here's an article that goes into it a bit more.) It sounds like some of the tools and techniques you're learning are related to that. Best wishes and feel free to PM anytime.

Mental Health's rhythm section is tight, but the singer drones on way too long. Stigma Killing Machine used to have bass player (i think). What happened to him?