Been feeling the pinch a lot more as of late. Just a reminder that this struggle is probably one that will always be there. I am struck by the fact that after decades of working through various bouts of anxiety and depression, when the setbacks come, they roar back full-force. I have better coping mechanisms now, but the struggle remains very real. Re: the notion of real. The irony here is fierce. Stressful life triggers are real. The fear itself is real. The sense of crushing, inevitable doom feels real. On the better days I can remain objective enough to remember that while perception feels like reality, not all of it is. Like phantom limb pain, but in your head. Literally and figuratively. Trying to choose happy when I can, corny as it sounds. That can be its own full-time job.

Janeway wrote:i wonder how many hours of volunteer time all you anxiety heads put in. sometimes being victims of your own circumstances is because you're in your own world.what i mean is, if you've ever considered volunteering, the next step is doing. there's hidden sources of happiness there that can help keep positive energy in your life.Yes indeed. This is a key part of the human aspect of overcoming anxiety. (The otherworldly, super-human aspect is in my signature.)

Realizing that I haven't really thought about my future in a normal adult way, and now I'll probably be fucked economically if I don't get my shit together, but getting my shit together just freezes me. I'm mortally afraid of fucking up (I haven't worked in a long time because I'm really afraid of going to work on something that it's way above my head!). Also, I'm doing a lot of free illustration work for future payments and I'm so sick of working this way. And my GF gently pushing me is not really helping, even though she has the best intentions, it just freezes me even more. How the fuck did I arrive to be 29 years old and still not a functioning human being, what the fuck is wrong with me.

goatlord wrote:How the fuck did I arrive to be 29 years old and still not a functioning human being, what the fuck is wrong with me.I used to ask myself the same question (right down to the age number). However:Yesterday I started at my new work. The night before I was visited by a familiar feeling: A constricting grip around the chest, a feeling of being cornered, a desire to just run away. I perfectly understood then why I was unemployed for so long.So let's not be hard on ourselves.

Been having some issues with my tremour as of late. About to head up for blood labs. Probably hypothyroid again. Been feeling anxious about another dosage change. Just don't want to go through a new round of side effects. That anxiety took up all of yesterdays therapy session.

llllllllllllllllllllllll wrote:I wish I could get out of the game but I don t have a degree and I m worried what will happen without the extra income.Bars, you don't have to commit yourself to three years of a degree, do you?THE best thing I have ever done was go back to adult education college and get a computer qualification, was supposed to take a year, I did it in seven months. I was 38. There were plenty of people older than me there.I should probably have mentioned that I kept doing a day job too for most of that.I am absolutely flooded with job offers now, for a change. I'm still too sick to know which I should take, or if my health is telling me I'm not ready to go back to work yet. It was just a simple Microsoft Office course, but it made a hell of a difference. I was putting out thousands of job applications and getting none back before that.Getting 97-100% on everything was good for the ego, when I was feeling down about things. That cheered me up, even though I knew it was all well within my capability when I started. I just needed to get that piece of paper that said I was up to date with it all.I don't know how much that will help with your situation, but I hope it will give you some ideas. llllllllllllllllllllllll wrote: I m beset by worries and intrusive thoughts constantly.That, I have only suffered a little bit. I try to always tell myself that these thoughts are not necessarily telling me the truth. Sometimes they lie, and you have to say to yourself 'Out, Liar! I am not listening to you now'. It's hard, but that helps me.llllllllllllllllllllllll wrote: Social situations outside of a very small group of friends I ve had for years are incredibly trying, and I ve got the typical addiction issues that often come into play with those sorts of symptoms. Before I was never sure if anxiety or depression was the culprit, but I m old enough now to kind of see things a little clearer.Now that IS something to be thankful for. That you (and I) will start to cope with this annoying anxiety thing better as we get older. You should be proud if you learned something. Especially if it's something you didn't know about yourself.

I ve been working 80 hour weeks for about two months out of the year so far in +/- 30 day increments. I m kind of a mess anyways, but this stuff always puts me over the top. I wish I could get out of the game but I don t have a degree and I m worried what will happen without the extra income. Working this much allows me a nice living, but maybe not enough to warrant the extra stress. I never made more than 30,000 a year until I started this job 4 years ago, right before I hit my 30s, and the sting of poverty from those times still hurts. So I went from that to nearly tripling my income, but at a huge cost. Anyways, I m married now and have someone else to worry about besides myself. She s a straight up fucking angel from a great family. Super smart, and she s working a really good job and finishing her doctorate at the same time. It s mostly ok, I take over duties around the house when she s in school, and she does the same when my schedule goes in the shitter, but more often lately we both find ourselves with an incredible workload at the same time, which puts more stress on us. So - I m just finishing up this project and am going to go back to a regular 40 hour schedule for another few months before the next one starts again. Back to the gym to work off the weight I gained from sitting at a desk for 12 hours a day, and I ll back to a regular guitar practice schedule to try to reclaim my life a little bit. This time I m going to try to find a doctor to see while I can. My last attempt at this stuff was completely fucking miserable - I got on a heavy dose of Lexapro by a fucking family doctor, which was not good for me. Totally drove me nuts. I was a little less grumpy at times, but it kind of had the opposite effect it was supposed to. I kept taking it because I kept hearing that it was going to get worse before it got better, except it never got better and I couldn t just stop taking it out of nowhere. So I m going to have to be more careful about who I see this time. I m going to try therapy again, but I don t see how I can dig myself out of this hole without some kind of medication. I m beset by worries and intrusive thoughts constantly. Social situations outside of a very small group of friends I ve had for years are incredibly trying, and I ve got the typical addiction issues that often come into play with those sorts of symptoms. Before I was never sure if anxiety or depression was the culprit, but I m old enough now to kind of see things a little clearer. I ve kind of accepted that I m never going to be normal, but I m tired of living like this, and I m not going to wait until I ve lost everything to pick up the pieces.

llllllllllllllllllllllll wrote:I don t see how I can dig myself out of this hole without some kind of medication.llllllllllllllllllllllll wrote:I ve kind of accepted that I m never going to be normal, but I m tired of living like this, and I m not going to wait until I ve lost everything to pick up the pieces.I was in what sounds like a very similar boat as you for a long while. I'd been suffering from anxiety at least since my pre-teen years. I'd tried therapy, regular exercise, changing my diet, meditation, breathing exercises, supplements, and made life changes to avoid any of my anxious triggers. Really any alternative to medication, I had put time and effort into. These things helped, absolutely, some more than others. But I still felt very unhealthy mentally. I ended up talking to a doctor that was recommended to me and hesitantly ended up trying an SSRI. It absolutely changed my life. I feel "normal". I knew anxiety was an issue of course, but looking back now I really see just how miserable I was. It affected my sleep, relationships, triggered addictions, and just generally made my life so much shittier. Taking a pill every morning that magically makes my biggest problem much easier to deal with--on paper, this makes me just a tad ill-at-ease... and I'm always hesitant to recommend medication to people. But I truly believe that without medication, I wouldn't be able to function at 100%. Anyway, what I'm getting at is that you've tried an SSRI that didn't work for you--unfortunately this is common and it can take trying out several different meds (all with potential side effects) in order to find the right one. And you have to give them each a couple of months to start taking full effect, unless of course the side effects are unbearable. Dosages can be something you may have to adjust too. This can be a grueling process for people, I was incredibly lucky in that the first one I tried worked well for me. But, if you're going the medication route, I can't stress enough to not give up. Doctors aren't really able to determine what SSRI/SNRIs will work on an individual level. But if you find one that clicks, I promise it will have all been worth it. It's always been recommended to me to take meds in conjunction with therapy. A medication that works is one thing, but having a good therapist that can also help you change your thinking patterns will be most beneficial in the long run. Admittedly I've not started going back to therapy yet but you know what, shit, I'm going to start researching some tonight. Good luck!

Do we have an anger thread? This might should be in it, but this is closely related to my anxiety coping as well. Managing anxiety has been pretty effective recently save for something like today.I lost my temper at an asshole mechanic today. I feel like garbage. This does not happen often. I might have a flash where I say some smart assed thing better left unsaid, but I don't often blow my top at someone. I have fumbling incoherent anxiety attack, but those are different. This guy was being a mega prick and maybe had it coming, but it was nothing that should have made *me* that hot headed. The guy kept dismissively talking over me and not taking me seriously. I raised my voice so that he would not drown me out. I did not move my hands or feet, though I may have leaned forward a bit. I noticed the change in tone in myself and the look of this real blowhard guy shrinking back a bit. My words were not threats. They were something like, I have a real question, let me finish what I'm saying. I asked later and my dad said I looked like someone about to attack (I really wasn't). The guy then said he was about to have our asses out of the place. I completely sunk and very calmly insisted we only wanted questions answered. He continued being a jerk and claiming I ep was accusing him of lying (which I very carefully was not, he just would not listen to us).Anyway, it all just felt rotten. I was trying to keep this guy from blowing smoke up our asses, is all. I just hate, hate that I went all aggressive like that. I'm not used to being threatening or intimidating. Most of my life I've been hammered about being laughably the opposite. I didn't like it. It doesn't feel good. It's rare but the times I feel the worst about have been times where I mouthed off or got too angry. Usually it is too awkward and anxious to come off as hostility, but there have been a few times it just was hostile. I just hate it. I hate how quick and easy it came on. I'm so tired of people talking over or dismissing me, but this is not the reaction I want to have. Folks have said much worse and been more and less threatening and I've handled them with calm wit and control. Where were those skills today. I was surprised. I still feel jittery and shit.

Thanks, Janeway. I think you sum up pretty well what I eventually concluded. I've just been a little shakey reintroducing seemingly mundane interactions back into my life after a few years of agoraphobia running the show. I guess things like this are gonna come up and I'll deal. I really have a distaste for aggression, so it feels gross to enact it as much as receive it. The guy actually wound up apologizing to me later when I had to finish up business there. I made it mutual. Real prick, though. Anyway, my version of a spa day was just blasting some Sleep and Earth albums in the garage. Good medicine!