jimmy spako wrote:bishopdante wrote:So, um, pardon me for skirting round the deposition of direct anecdotes. It's part of the process of not traumatising myself further than I need to, and I don't want to wear out anybody's scroll wheel.Thankfully my second debilitating bout of week-long adrenaline-comedown 'panic attacks', insomnia, cold sweats etc as a result of grenfell exposure has largely subsided, aided by quitting absolutely every non-food substance, and various forms of physical exercise.My kidneys still feel like they have been beaten up.No need to apologize. I'm sorry. And thanks for writing all that. Sometimes it is hard to tell who is coming from a place of abstraction and remove and who is down in it with the anonymity and all. Huge respect to you for doing what you're doing. I hope you have some kind of support in place where you are. And I hope that you will write more here if it helps to process any of that or just get it out, I really do. Best to you, bishopdante.I went through a period of prolonged extreme stress last year while trying to finish post-grad, hold down my first serious position in a design studio, bringing up two small girls and trying to maintenance a functioning marriage. It basically resulted in low level PTSD according to my doctor. I was getting very low anxiety trigger levels and still have it going on. My Fight-or-Flight would kick in over the smallest issues. The doctor put me on a three way, mediation, exercise and Beta Blocker mix that worked well. It makes sense, sort out your mental state, burn off physical stress and use the meds to give yourself a break when symptoms started kicking in. My problems aren't associated with underlying depression, so I can't speak to that but for straight-up anxiety attacks the programme I was on was effective and left me functional.

@Janeway, what you describe is very familiar to me except that I've always been really introverted. The pizza man story speaks to me. I got that way with phone calls and email as any one of them could be a boss chewing me out for tongs that weren't my f

Didn t think I d read this thread again for but glad it s here. Rough summer. Rocked by the sight and sounds of death. Thought I was handling it fine but think it may have been autopilot. Now that things are wrapping up I ve got shoulder and back pain that won t stop; end up focusing on it. I ve got to start eating and sleeping regularly again. Thought I d kicked anxiety in the head over a decade again ” this has been a gentle reminder for me to stay mindful of what can happen when I become too comfortable with normal.

^I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds like things are catching up. The sleeping and eating thing is important, but I can't begin to pretend I know how to reign that stuff in. I hope you can get on top of things sooner than later.

Through the fucking roof heading towards my move. Nowhere near prepared for it, but there's no other way.

Just destroying me since this move. Tunnel vision and near-blackouts on several occasions. Trying to disconnect it from going outside in the name of trying to lead a life but it's spiralling as a consequence.

A\_Man\_Who\_Tries wrote:Just destroying me since this move. Tunnel vision and near-blackouts on several occasions. Trying to disconnect it from going outside in the name of trying to lead a life but it's spiralling as a consequence.I'm really sorry to hear this. If you feel up to it, could you describe the tunnel vision and near blackout phenomena more. I struggle with some things that sound like they are familiar but I struggle to describe them.Today was a really hard day. I drove from NC to Boston yesterday and last night. I got moved into my new room and met my old friends' baby. That was all good. The drive was good. I got a brisk walk in solo. I've really been making progress this last year. A year ago I couldn't have gone to Lowes. I'm out of nowhere, NC. But this evening I was in the passenger seat riding around and I started getting shaky. When snow comes my truck will be useless. I didn't realize the public transit would be so expensive. I'm not qualified to do work that earns real money. I don't have rent for now, but I don't know, money. I wanted to pick up some adjunct teaching for the love of it, but sometimes it pays less than minimum wage. I guess I always knew that, but I'm used to living in the Midwest. It hurts. I managed to not cry or shut down in front of my friend, but I was obviously using breathing exercises to keep my shit straight. My friends know what I've been through. I just don't know if they realize how bad I was. It hurts. I have trouble squaring away that someone might know my problems and still accept me. For too long I've been cutting muscle and hitting bone. I don't know how walk around the world anymore. I'm calm now from exhaustion. Here's how I wrote my friend. Had a tough time with my nerves today. Everything is so expensive. I don't know that I'll be able to swing this longer than the arranged 6 months. I know I'll get better. Today just overwhelmed me. It seemed easier in the dark. This isn't the Midwest. I just want to go to Shake It and Blue Jays and the library. Like a dumb dumb I miss J----- again. Say something to me about that. What is wrong with me? I don't think I'll ever be normal. I almost don't think about the cats anymore. All this year to learn I really do miss teaching while I've no clue if I'll ever get the chance again. I wish I could have afforded to take that job back in Ohio. There have been nights where I've entertained the fantasy that I might get work and live normal and I might meet someone and I'd feel someone want to kiss me again and hold onto me at night. But then tonight I'm standing in line at the 7-11 trying not to cry because the lights and the door buzzer is just too much. Then those fantasies become like a bitter leaf under my tongue.It feel embarrassing and pathetic, I know. It real pussy shit. Whatever. I don't care anymore. I don't feel like I can manage anything close to what I wanted out of life, but I just want a life I can manage. I wish I didn't get so confused and foggy headed. I wish my mind wasn't turned against me. I hope I'm just spooked. I hope I snap out of it.

I'm still here in Boston. It has gotten marginally easier. I still feel a deep sorrow everyday due to some losses being retriggered here. I'm trying to keep my hand in the fire and do the responsible thing, which is to explore the opportunities that are here. This has little to do with my immediate desires. Right now, those are only born of fear and pain. I am trying to stay and make something of what is currently vague and passionless. I don't know how long I'll keep this up. Everyday I feel like running. Heartbreak can be ruinous.

I hate to say it, but I do take solace in seeing that others struggle to the same/more of a degree than I do. I was on Zoloft for over 12 years, and then doc recommended a switch to Effexor for anxiety/panic symptoms. After reading horror stories online, and from my admittedly very brief period of taking it, I think this drug fucking sucks, and it only serves to zombify me. I have heard positive things about Rexulti, but that is focused more on major depressive disorder (it's an antipsychotic). TBC

A\_Man\_Who\_Tries wrote:Just destroying me since this move. Tunnel vision and near-blackouts on several occasions. Trying to disconnect it from going outside in the name of trying to lead a life but it's spiralling as a consequence.I had a clear three weeks after this. Not a cloud in the sky beyond the cluster headaches. Then it started creeping back. Bedbound since Tuesday morning and on a few occasions have drifted off thinking that was that.My heart is ridiculous in rate and rhythm. Can't do anything bar get sedatives from a doctor until such time as I have residence which would be February at the earliest. I'm supposed to be back in hospital around then anyway to check the arrhythmia they diagnosed last time, which apparently isn't a serious concern but doesn't feel so piffling atop all this. I can barely walk across the room for stress and panic.I'm convinced all this starts between the ears and is strictly chemical, but doesn't everything? That's what real is.