Local carpenter forgets to build house--Sydney Morning Herald--A local carpenter has slightly buggered up his latest carpentry job by building a roof for a house but forgetting to build the actual house for it first. The stupid cunt is now currently stuck under the fucking roof.You stupid cunt. You forgot to build the fucking house.The man has been described by emergency services as a nice enough bloke but not the sharpest tool in the kitchen drawer, which he probably forgot to build too. He seems quite calm under there said one member of the rescue unit. At one stage he did say it was 'a bit dark' and then he wondered aloud if he should 'turn the lights on' but we had to patiently remind him that he hadn't installed any lights. Or, in fact, installed anything. Except the roof.

BIG BOOK OF BRITISH SMILES OR GTFO

Govt Minister Spends Japan s Entire Pension Fund On Corrective Cock Surgery.--Japan Times--It has been revealed that a local government minister has recently spent Japan s entire pension fund on corrective cock surgery for himself and for his dog. œWe both needed it justified the Minister. œWe were both born with crooked cocks. No dog and its master should suffer the pain of a lifetime together with identically crooked cocks. œMinister, this receipt says you spent 300 billion yen on corrective cock surgery for you and your fucking dog? What the fuck? œNot entirely correct. The dog and I actually had a surgical procedure done to exchange cocks. His was slightly bigger. The Minister has a history of wasteful spending. Last year he blew Japan s entire Road & Infrastructure budget on a hairpiece for his dog. The year before that, the annual pension fund allotment was all spent on a solid gold 5-storey shitting castle for the exclusive use of his dog. œNo, of course I did not spend all of the tax money on a hairpiece for myself. Don t be ridiculous. It was for the dog. He s a really great dog. The hairpiece perfectly complements the wonderfully straight cock. What the fuck is the problem here?

Nuremburg Barbie and Burrito Barbie To Square Off In WWF Grudge Match--NY Times--Nuremburg Barbie and Burrito Barbie have agreed to meet in a pay-per-view WWF wrestling match. The president's advisor versus the children's concentration camp commandant. No holds barred. The pair have never met before in a professional wrestling match.I am going to fuck that nazi kiddie gitmo bitch up yelled Nuremburg Barbie from her training camp in, ironically, Tijuana, Mexico where she now resides having defected from the U.S last year. That predator-chinned swamp slag is going downnnnnn retorted Burrito Barbie from behind her press pulpit at the White House.Burrito Barbie on the left and Nuremburg Barbie on the right;...and in their wrestling garb in this press release photograph:After I fuck all of her shit up I will have her extradited from Mexico and incarcerated in my spic kiddie gitmo with all the other wetback dwarves proclaimed Burrito Barbie. My patented reverse flying suplex tortilla wrap manoeuvre will leave her in a motherfucking wheelchair. By the way, there is NO wheelchair access at my kiddie gitmo so she can sit outside in the rain crying with the other tardranching spics.I will bite the hair right off her fucking head retorted Nuremburg Barbie. Then I will send the blonde locks in an envelope to Big Donnie for his latest silky-smooth pube fracking upgrade. Silky smooth, Big Donnie, silky fuckin smooth.

Japan With Surprise Call At Japan/China Summit--Japan Today--Japan have sprung something of a diplomatic surprise at this week's Japan/China summit by abruptly abducting and murdering the Chinese Premier, Mr Lee Ving.This is the car boot you should climb into right now Mr Ving, if you wish to see your family alive again.When queried about Japan's ransom demands immediately following the abduction, Japan's Prime Minister Shinzo Abe (pictured above, pink tie) said there is no ransom demand. We just hate the chinks. So we killed this one. One less of them, who cares, there's a billion more of the cross-eyed little fuckwits anyway. Don't worry, Ving's family are fine. Ving though, not so good. Bit wet I imagine. Still locked in the boot of the Prius which is now located on the ocean floor of Tokyo Bay. Look, it was just a spur of the moment thing. I'm impulsive like that. Decisive. I make the big calls. And I just felt it today was the right time to kill the Chinese Premier. No biggie.

Local Resident Wildly Horny For Postman--Times--A local resident has today confessed to being wildly horny for her local postie.I get my hair done then put on my very best pearls in the hope he notices me sighed the randy octagenarian pensioner. My husband is mentally handicapped so he's utterly hopeless. Plus he's 97. The decrepit old git looks like he was mistakenly left out under a neighbouring planet's acid sun for about 60 years. Ugh. Phil, I think his name is. Really, at my age, one of my few remaining joys is the dashing young postman who comes by at about this time every day.He's fucking late today.Oh, the things I would do to that boy continued the randy old biddy, her teeth bared and eyes shining. I'd take the boy out on a fox hunt, then I would 'accidentally' shoot Phil in the brains, then I would ravish the cherubic lad under the brambles. For heavens sake, I don't even care what mail the child brings. Cash in envelopes, deeds to islands, MI6 UFO cover-ups, invitations to rubbish kindy openings, I just don't dashed well care. I just want that boy to take one final victory lap on my rain-soaked Brands Hatch.

Since this is about an imaginary topic I assumed it would be an empty thread...

Local Hippie Prays For Sickly Tree.--Portland Gazette--A local hippie has taken to the woods to maintain a silent vigil in support of a sickly tree.I think the tree has tree alopecia or something said the hippie, her voice beginning to quaver. I've been here for 6 weeks now, praying hard for the tree to make a full recovery. But nothing has happened yet. Oh, except my husband left me 3 weeks ago. Maybe Mother Nature is testing my faith in, uhh, nature. And maybe in man too.The tree in question, above. Other, less futile trees, can be seen in the distance, immediately recognisable by their leafy and bushy tree-like foliage.I think of this tree as, like, a metaphor for the world, man continued the hippie. It's like a tiny stiffy in a giant sea of pubes. Or like the last Mohican except in tree-like form. Or like, a gateway to another wo

Local Farm Infested With Flowers.--USA Today--A local potato farm has been recently ravaged by an unsightly infestation of flowers.The infestation in question.They disgust me said the potato farmer. I tried eating one of the useless red cunts, just in case it was some weird new strain of potato but no. They are fucking flowers. All of them. Every last fucking one of them. Inedible, useless pongy little shits.Oh, just fuck off already.