The other week, my 15 year old daughter said to me:When you die, can I have your record player?So proud/disturbed.

Perry the Imaginary Magical Dog is not the boss of me. I know it's Perry's recipe and Perry knows everything, but I don't want to put honey in these eggs.If Rainbow Leopard is telling you to fall on your knees on the wooden floor for your Rainbow Karate Training Level III (Action Challenges), I get to rule out Rainbow Leopard. My job is to take care of you and you hurting your knees repeatedly is not okay. [Huge fight over who is in charge -- me or Rainbow Leopard.]Let's Pretend We Were Just Eaten by a Cat.Let's Pretend We Are Moles.Let's Pretend We Are Worms.Let's Pretend We Just Met. She is an orphan from Mexico. While she was at school, a meteor hit her parents' house and killed them and now she is all alone. (The end of the dinosaur era meteor theory-just a head's up.) She took a boat up here, to the backseat of my car, from Mexico, and is looking for a family. She has 73 pets with her.Let's Turn Our House Into An Art and Science Museum. WHY ISN'T ANYONE COMING UP TO OUR MUSEUM?I'm 1000% sure she's already suspicious about Santa Claus at 5.75 years old.We have also fought about how gravity works.She is now a vegetarian, mostly. She doesn't like the word tilapia so we call it wonder fish or something beats me man I have NO idea what the hell is going on anymore.

I am shocked. My MiniMe had it sorted all along. I thought I was just paying a bajillion dollars a year to ANU uni in Austraya so she could blow it on petrol money and chainsaws and Harleys to roar around the outback on with her Mad Max biker buddies. So wrong. Turns out, unbeknownst to me, she was acquiring the proper qualifications she would need to get the job she wanted, then she went out and got the job. She actually graduated ANU, went to Tokyo, organized her first job interview, got the first job she applied for, and started the same week writing news subtitles for Reuters, and getting paid more than me. What the hell happened? Wasn t I reading her bedtime stories about 5 years ago?

I let out a tremendous belch after some beer and pasta. My 3 year old daughter said, Daddy, that was a... different one.

Ever watch an infant groan and flail while trying to poop, vomit all over themselves, fart and then relax? Newborns are so gross and their digestive systems are so dysfunctional.

My three year old is very proud of himself for making up his own word. Blarching is to make yourself laugh so loud after a belch that you end up barfing.

you both should be proud

My son is two years old as of last Wednesday and he now calls his dick "snake".

Hamish turned one last week. He's a delight. He has never crawled but can now just about walk unsupported, acutely rendering our house a deeply unsuitable environment for him. He babbles constantly in a language understood only by himself. He eats an outrageous amount of food, showing a strong preference for curry. He likes picking things up and putting them down again, having baths, looking out of the window, and being chased around.Every day I get him up from his cot and spend a few minutes changing him and playing with him before I have to rush off to work. Tomorrow his mum goes back to work and he will start nursery two days a week, which is breaking our hearts a little bit. The first year of his life has passed in a wonderful blur.

My daughter is also 2 years old as of last Wednesday and every time she drops something (which, since she is 2, is essentially a constant occurrence throughout the day), she says "shoot!"