Trust is such a big factor, and takes time to develop. And it doesn’t help that a lot of patients themselves have trust issues. It really sucks to go to someone for a few months and not have it click. And at that point, it’s like, ok should I start over? I had a situation a few years ago where my infant son had recently had cancer treatment (he’s good now!) and I was in a job that wasn’t right and there was all this stress at home and stuff, so I had a dozen sessions that helped get me thru, but I didn’t really connect/trust him well enough to continue, or feel like things were continuing to move ahead. But I think when/if I try again I’ll know a little more what to expect.

Also, respect to all in this thread who are brave enough to be open about mental health. It’s such an important part of life and culturally we’re still very closed off from discussing it.

Worked with four therapists over the last two years. Some remembered bits of what I told them, most gave me worksheets, none made constructive observations or asked questions that indicated they were actually listening. The only bit of advice I got was from the guy who really thought I should forswear all intoxicants, cultivate a belief in god, and start going to church. So I'm done. I'm actually up for the work, have put a lot of effort in, and I'll keep trying to do it on my own, but I'm done pretending somebody else is going to give a shit. Anybody has a good book to recommend, pass it on. Or DIY shock treatment schematics, I'm flexible.

Fucking hell, it doesn't half pin you down at the moment of its choosing. I could so easily walk into traffic today. Thank fuck for mixed metaphors eh?

Greetings from Dublin (connecting here on my way to Germany).

Whatever I have, it unfortunately isn't improving with age.

Just about had a full-on panic attack upon landing.

Hey friends.
I've been struggling a bit, but the most difficult part is how it seems to layer upon itself. I feel shitty, emotionally. I reflect on my life which is going very well by any metric, and then I feel shitty for feeling shitty. This makes it hard to bring up to people, at least friends. I don't want to be seen as spreading a burden and I also personally don't want to be perceived as a person who is ungrateful for what I have. I can't help my core problems until I address the difficulties of bringing it all up in the first place. This is why I'm typing all this out.

I've always had a bit of nervousness in my life; worry how life will unfold. So I dealt with it by trying to find everything that can go wrong in a situation and eliminating problems before they start, or already having a plan for when thing go wrong. Usually, this works great, but some plans are so big and have so many moving parts that one has to just begin moving forward and then addressing issues if-and-when things go off the rails. I have a pretty good track record, but previous successes mean nothing when dealing with mental worry and panic of the concept of future things going awry.

The pandemic was actually pleasant for me for a good bit of it. I like my home. I love spending time with my wife. All big plans had to be cancelled. My commute was magically eliminated. I was lucky that I was still earning a living and I was comfortable in my cozy, minimized world where very little could go wrong. What did go wrong could usually be quickly addressed.

Then, a string of bad shit happened. There was a death in my wife's family, there was a hate crime in my wife's family, we lost a beloved pet suddenly, and then a great friend and amazing bandmate died suddenly. It was a lot of grief in a short time and it took me down more than I realized. I had retreated into my cozy COVID cave, so I just kind of stayed there and hoped for everything to pass. It took longer than anticipated, but the clouds have lifted quite a bit.

Now the world is opening up, our big plans are starting to happen, and it all feels a bit much. I do want to live life and have adventures. However, I'm still in a fog from personal loss, I'm out of practice dealing with the nervousness and panic of making and executing big plans and big events, and it's all stacking up into panic and dread like I've never felt before. It feels so much easier to go into my home office and do my job and then back into my house to hang out with my family and close friends. Getting on a plane and going to another country and having a giant list of plans and arranging my work to run smooth when I'm gone and making sure the dog and cats are looked after and wondering if my credit card will REALLY work internationally and what will happen if the COVID test doesn't come through and and and and and... My brain just makes the concept of having big life experiences seem like so much more trouble than sticking to my small, easy pattern. I hate it and I'm frustrated with myself, but I'm having problems fighting my panic, fear, and dread of the possible problems. It's all emotion, very little logic, and I'm not used to these issues having such an intense pull on me.

Thanks for reading/listening. All my love to everyone.

Other than the specific events I could probably rewrite what Ben said nearly word for word.

Also, I'd always assumed hitting a 'respectable age' would be comfortably settled but instead I'm finding it terrifying. Just constant worry about mortality (myself and those close to me) and I don't see that cycle easing up with age. Every single thing now feels like it could be the 'last thing before X', and that would be my last memory of the thing (unless it was me that died, then there would be nothing. hooray?). Maybe this is the opposite of taking things for granted: caring too much (or just being hyper aware).

penningtron wrote: Mon Apr 11, 2022 12:58 pm Other than the specific events I could probably rewrite what Ben said nearly word for word.

Also, I'd always assumed hitting a 'respectable age' would be comfortably settled but instead I'm finding it terrifying. Just constant worry about mortality (myself and those close to me) and I don't see that cycle easing up with age. Every single thing now feels like it could be the 'last thing before X', and that would be my last memory of the thing (unless it was me that died, then there would be nothing. hooray?). Maybe this is the opposite of taking things for granted: caring too much (or just being hyper aware).

There's no fear quite like that mid-life fear. I keep running formulas and calculations and nothing short of "I'm going to have to work for the rest of my adult life" keeps coming up as the result. That, and the ever present sense of dread about the world, fear for my kids and the world they are inheriting, noticing every physical ailment large or small, a noticeable deterioration of vision; this half-way point sucks.

kicker_of_elves wrote: Mon Apr 11, 2022 1:48 pm

penningtron wrote: Mon Apr 11, 2022 12:58 pm Other than the specific events I could probably rewrite what Ben said nearly word for word.

Also, I'd always assumed hitting a 'respectable age' would be comfortably settled but instead I'm finding it terrifying. Just constant worry about mortality (myself and those close to me) and I don't see that cycle easing up with age. Every single thing now feels like it could be the 'last thing before X', and that would be my last memory of the thing (unless it was me that died, then there would be nothing. hooray?). Maybe this is the opposite of taking things for granted: caring too much (or just being hyper aware).

There's no fear quite like that mid-life fear. I keep running formulas and calculations and nothing short of "I'm going to have to work for the rest of my adult life" keeps coming up as the result. That, and the ever present sense of dread about the world, fear for my kids and the world they are inheriting, noticing every physical ailment large or small, a noticeable deterioration of vision; this half-way point sucks.

Damn, all of the above hits home hard.

I too have an elementary age kid and am in my early 50s, so I can relate. Likewise, I can get into these negative places with existential dread, or anxiety over purpose and meaning. I don’t know what to say exactly, but I get it, and there are some things I can do to keep it in check. A big one is just limiting screen time with stuff that triggers anxiety. Some exercise every day also is big. Discipline with all that helps keep me more in the “now” and for me it helps keep my anxiety in check. The existential panic still creeps in now and then, but managing some of those big triggers helps me a lot. I also clamped down on alcohol and shut off coffee at noon.

I hope some of this is useful for folks. None of it is groundbreaking stuff, individually, but a few years of identifying triggers and building better habits has helped me out.

Am bipolar. It's a life sentence. Heaven and hell duking it out in my head and bloodstream. The human condition, in a nutshell, but amplified at times, even on meds to some extent. If you don't think the shit is real, you should talk to some of my family members, immediate and extended: a suicide, coupla schizophrenics, some Republicans, a severely mentally ill, shell-of-a-man older sibling who's beyond repair. I can deal. But the ups and downs grow tiring. I remember being fairly young and thinking about how long life would be, all the little deaths and rebirths, the ordeals, the reshuffling, and on and on the human drama. Have resolved to stick around, but a lot of times I just live day to day, not thinking too far ahead in the future (except as to whether a pedal's coming in the mail). Sometimes I don't budge much at all. To be fair, as "low" and neurotic and pathetic as I can get, am also no stranger to ecstasy, a serenity bordering on the divine. Have occasionally put these vibes to good use.

At any rate, the constellation of feelings that can arise with "having plans" or "doin' thangs"--not always easy to manage. It does seem that while growing older, pulling off certain stuff seems to take more effort than it used to, a fair amount of hassle and much more back and forth, compounded with anticipation/nervousness. Have been involved with a couple of projects that, had I been cognizant from the onset of exactly how much work they would require, I probably would've been like "Nah! Fuck that." So, sometimes it's necessary to trick yourself into not projecting too far ahead, and, as is often said, stay in the moment. Like building a house brick by brick. If you had to do it all continuously, in one go, you'd go fucking crazy, but piecemeal, with enough rest in between sessions, it becomes doable, enjoyable even.