twelvepoint wrote: Mon Apr 11, 2022 8:59 pm Some exercise every day also is big. Discipline with all that helps keep me more in the “now” and for me it helps keep my anxiety in check. The existential panic still creeps in now and then, but managing some of those big triggers helps me a lot. I also clamped down on alcohol and shut off coffee at noon.

Yeah.. I'm probably in better shape than I've ever been, and have improved in all of these areas. And I'm very disciplined with sleep now.. sorry 3 band shows that start at 10:30pm, not gonna do it anymore, it's rarely worth it anyway..

All those things help but still, here I am.

DaveA wrote: It does seem that while growing older, pulling off certain stuff seems to take more effort than it used to, a fair amount of hassle and much more back and forth, compounded with anticipation/nervousness. Have been involved with a couple of projects that, had I been cognizant from the onset of exactly how much work they would require, I probably would've been like "Nah! Fuck that." So, sometimes it's necessary to trick yourself into not projecting too far ahead, and, as is often said, stay in the moment. Like building a house brick by brick. If you had to do it all continuously, in one go, you'd go fucking crazy, but piecemeal, with enough rest in between sessions, it becomes doable, enjoyable even.

Yeah, I'm gradually coming to terms with this. Plus looking back I'm not sure how healthy it was to always feel the need to have "something to show for doing something", no one cares anyway. Just do enjoyable things and maybe make sense of it all later (which is no guarantee).

benadrian wrote: Mon Apr 11, 2022 12:33 pm I don't want to be seen as spreading a burden and I also personally don't want to be perceived as a person who is ungrateful for what I have.

The pandemic was actually pleasant for me for a good bit of it. I like my home. I love spending time with my wife. All big plans had to be cancelled.

Ben, I know there's a lot that you are trying to deal with and articulate, and just putting it into words and out into the world is a great place to start. I don't experience the same need to create mental contingency plans born from anxiety and a belief that the worst will happen, but my wife does. The planning can be productive to a point, in that it forces you to face potentially bad situations from the inconvenient to the devastating, but it can also stop you in your tracks and end up talking you out of things that you've only experienced in hypotheticals in your mind. Which, honestly may be helpful sometimes, but it can also just fuel the cycle of anxiety. This has nothing to do with being ungrateful for what you have. It's just how your brain works. I know many people are hesitant to express their struggle because they feel like it's going to negatively impact someone else or somehow suggest that they don't 'deserve' to feel the way they feel. But...you can only feel the way you feel. Don't beat yourself up about it. You can do things to manage your anxiety but you can't exactly control it. No one can. If you need to give yourself an out sometimes, take it. It sounds like you're good at handling the logistics, let your wife help you with the follow through.

Secondly, your pandemic comment rings true with me. I used to think of myself as an extrovert. Over the years, I found myself avoiding more and more in terms of festivals and crowds and even parties and bigger family stuff. I would feel a little cold dread as an event on the calendar drew closer. The pandemic, especially the first year, was one of the most productive times of my life. Happy. Holidays at home with my wife. No running around. I loved it. And I do not consider myself an extrovert at all anymore. I don't think we are going to understand the personal and psychological implications of the pandemic for a long time. And it runs a full spectrum, from people who thought they would jump out of their skin being shut up to people who never want to reenter the world. I still haven't returned to "normal" in terms of activities out in the world, and I don't really know when I will. If ever. I dip my toe...but, like I said, I think we are all different coming out of this thing and that is going to be unique to everyone. But I'm there with you. I love my home life more than ever and it really is all there is when it comes down to it. All the things you mentioned that are stressing you out would stress me out like crazy. But I think we are all going to have to take the plunge at some point. That, too, is gonna be different for everyone. Lean on the people you have, but if you have to take a step back, then take it.

So...I don't have much advice. But it's awesome that you're reaching out. That you're putting this into words. And I think there are a lot of people here who are going through the same or similar things. You're definitely not the odd one out here. Don't be too hard on yourself!

penningtron wrote: Tue Apr 12, 2022 8:04 amPlus looking back I'm not sure how healthy it was to always feel the need to have "something to show for doing something", no one cares anyway. Just do enjoyable things and maybe make sense of it all later (which is no guarantee).

To say "no one cares" might be jumping the gun a bit, in that someone might care, it's just that it could be far fewer people than expected or the interest could trickle in seemingly at random well after the fact. A curious thing, if you follow reissues of old, half-forgotten music (and other art) is that some things that are now coveted once languished, sometimes for decades, with no hint of attaining "respectability." If the people who made these things had taken this to heart, when what they'd made was neglected or considered "out of vogue," they could've shortchanged themselves in the self-worth department.

But regardless, I agree that doing things for their own sake, deriving enjoyment from that, is always a good course of action, rather than banking on some tantalizing outcome that may or may not pan out. Like, dogs don't ask "Why should I run around?"--they just do it.

^ This is what I can tell you.

I'm starting to travel again. And I am happy about it. I plan to post where I travel here.

But it also makes me feel stupid for the fact that I live probably less than an hour or two (in the northwest suburbs of Chicago) from many FMs and yet haven't met anyone on here (save for one or two folks).

I really need to make that more of a priority.

A constant tiredness follows me everywhere. It's like walking on an upward slope always. Like the most mundane of tasks require three times the effort of normal people, so that simply maintaining a basic day-to-day existence expends most available energy.

It might be easier if I felt like I was moving toward something. But every future I attempt to envision is horror. As for working life, I can only imagine doing something simple and regular. Which is fine by me, but for how long will such jobs have use for me? Because of injuries my physical capacity is uncertain as well. So worry enters again.

That might be fine if I had some people near me whom I enjoyed and whom I could relax with. Having that sort of ground does a lot to help with meeting and dealing with other people. As it is now it's new people, new people, new people. All surface, all the time. Exhausting.

Once you start on this line of thought, that's how it proceeds. One thing opens up into a panoply of other things, each of which appears like an insurmountable obstacle. "I'll get down to dealing with that thing at some point. Then there will only be this thing, and this thing, and that other thing...."

There are moments when I experience jolts of energy and vigour, drawing breath, new life. Usually they happen at shifts in my life situation - like early this summer, when I quit university, or two summers earlier, at a similar moment - or in peak experiences like falling in love. Therefore I tend to live for those moments, starting new things, changing cities...

I heard from my sister, who has a BA in Russian, that the Russian self-image is one of being good at big things, great causes, destiny, but incapable of handling everyday reality. I can relate.

As part of my physiotherapy I will start working out. The guy told me I'm most likely in pain because I don't work out. In a similar counter-intuitive way, might this help with my energy? Let's hope.

I went to a therapist recently, could tell immediately there was no vibe, so start over again I guess, sigh. I have however signalled interest at starting an investigation into ADHD and autism, in part out of curiosity to see if there actually are explanations for some of this or if I just suck. Waiting for the green light on that one.

Under the circumstances I could be worse off, but a lot of days it really feels like I'm dragging myself forward on a level of bare sustenance.

kokorodoko wrote: Wed Jul 27, 2022 5:44 pmAs part of my physiotherapy I will start working out. The guy told me I'm most likely in pain because I don't work out. In a similar counter-intuitive way, might this help with my energy? Let's hope.

Consistent, disciplined exercise will always have a positive impact on your energy and well-being. It might not be enough to pull yourself above water, but it will always offer some improvement, and a foundation to work from.

^ This is what I can tell you (first-hand experience):

Heavy drinking will NOT help in the long run.

Love you all.

The problem with exercise is one that I always theoretically know but only fully believe when I'm on the right side of it: the littlest bit of repetition, some kind of routine makes the idea easy, sometimes almost a craving. A few weeks out of practice and a simple 30 minutes of recreation feels disproportionately difficult. The irony of exercise: it's easy when you do it, it's hard when you don't.

Over time I truly believe you can shift these things into the brushing teeth zone. I haven't thought about working out in a long time - it just gets done because it's a key component of the day.

Funny actually, as I've had to think about how to do it while my living situation has been so transient, but not about the actual doing.

Anyone willing to share their experience of starting psych meds?

I am three days into my first go with some anti-anxiety and anti-depressant stuff the names of which escape me at the moment (nothing I'd heard of previously) and I feel...something, which I hope is just part of the transition. I was told it would take about 2 weeks to start to feel "normal". Trying to be patient.

I'd love to hear if your experience was similar or wildly different, if you started on one regimen that didn't work and changed to something else and how that sort of transition went. Or if you managed to transition off of phsych meds altogether, how was that?

I know it can all vary drastically from person to person and drug to drug, but I'm new to this and still nervous about it all.
Thanks.