twelvepoint wrote: Wed Oct 26, 2022 12:15 pm FM bigc, I don't have a lot to say other than you are going through a hell of a lot. Shit will get better, and don't feel guilty for either reaching out, or allowing yourself to feel the way you feel.

I don't know how people endure feeling like this. Especially without drugs or alcohol.

My heart goes out to you, FM bigc. You're not alone, not here, not elsewhere.
Maybe consider talking out with her whether you can turn your resources to solo therapy at the moment and get your bearings, it sounds like you could really use someone. You need a safe place of your own to let that shit out right now.

It feels silly to post this in the context of other people's more serious issues, but this is really my only outlet at the moment. All of my friends are her friends, so I really have nowhere to turn.

It's not silly. What you're going through is incredibly hard, and it's totally fine to feel what you're feeling.

Getting/staying sober is work, and it will continue to be work. Some days, work's easier than others. Some days are harder, but based on what you've said so far, I think that staying sober is the most important part.

I haven't been through the couples things that you've described, but all I can tell you is that people do recover. Relationships do return, tho they may be different once they're healed. Try to keep going to therapy with your partner, and as long as that's still happening, healing the relationship is possible, even when it seems like peeling back the layers are doing more harm than good. It takes time, and there's really no FF button.

Keep working.

Frankie99 wrote: Wed Oct 26, 2022 3:57 pm

It feels silly to post this in the context of other people's more serious issues, but this is really my only outlet at the moment. All of my friends are her friends, so I really have nowhere to turn.

It's not silly. What you're going through is incredibly hard, and it's totally fine to feel what you're feeling.

Getting/staying sober is work, and it will continue to be work. Some days, work's easier than others. Some days are harder, but based on what you've said so far, I think that staying sober is the most important part.

I haven't been through the couples things that you've described, but all I can tell you is that people do recover. Relationships do return, tho they may be different once they're healed. Try to keep going to therapy with your partner, and as long as that's still happening, healing the relationship is possible, even when it seems like peeling back the layers are doing more harm than good. It takes time, and there's really no FF button.

Keep working.

Thanks. And thanks to all of y'all for the kind words of support. Right now, just sitting here feels like the most difficult work I've engaged in.

bigc wrote: Wed Oct 26, 2022 8:35 am It feels silly to post this in the context of other people's more serious issues, but this is really my only outlet at the moment. All of my friends are her friends, so I really have nowhere to turn.

I agree with the others. What you are going through sounds very serious to me. Not silly at all.

I won't say that I can relate to all of your post; my wife and I have never gone so far as to say that we think our marriage is at risk, nor do I think it is at the moment. That being said, without going into specific details, I can say that I do feel my relationship with my wife is ~ 95% platonic friendship right now. There's also some asymmetry in what each of us want out of our relationship. But I think our friendship is as strong as ever and any doubts I have about our relationship are generally short-lived.

I was originally the introvert between the two of us, though oddly that has almost reversed - I am back to traveling and meeting people through work, and she's just getting back into working (first, part-time as a substitute teacher) after being a stay-at-home mom for a long time and having a limited amount of contact with other adults.

I'm pretty bad at giving advice, but if I had any to give, it would be to do your best to keep talking to her. Maybe things will return. If they don't though, keeping things as amicable as possible will make it more likely and less uncomfortable to continue to be friends with your mutual friends.

jimmy spako wrote: Wed Oct 26, 2022 2:26 pm My heart goes out to you, FM bigc. You're not alone, not here, not elsewhere.
Maybe consider talking out with her whether you can turn your resources to solo therapy at the moment and get your bearings, it sounds like you could really use someone. You need a safe place of your own to let that shit out right now.

From the outside?

That's about how it sounds to me, too.

From what you are saying, it sounds like you feel like you've failed someone.

That's a whole other kettle of fish that's related to the relationship, but probably not just going to stay a part of it. You might need to be able to focus on that aspect of how you yourself feel to wind up just getting to someone that might have a chance at being someone she can go to(should she need to...) depending on how things play out long term.

Past that?

Fingers crossed on things overall playing out as well as they can.

A_Man_Who_Tries wrote: Wed Oct 26, 2022 8:59 am

bigc wrote: Wed Oct 26, 2022 8:35 am All of my friends are her friends, so I really have nowhere to turn.

This in particular is a huge hoof in the nuts, but it's one you can focus on changing right now. Haul yourself out to some meets where you can socialise amongst other stuff - I have found board games to be a huge blessing where this is concerned. Get yourself a little circle or two, not necessarily to spill your guts, but just to be able to point at parts of your calendar and say, "Time with 'my' people".

I know this sounds a bit corny, but I found volunteering a good way to ease into sober socialising for the first time once I cleaned up and left all my old circles of drugging / drinking friends. The activity / cause element of volunteering means it's not so intensely focused on you as an individual, so you can focus on contributing something, even if you feel a bit awkward as you find your feet.
Good luck.

I do pass up on some volunteering opportunities here and there. I'm on the board of an environmental non-profit that often has in-person events that I eschew. Probably time to start attending those. Getting back to regular yoga classes may be good, too, if only for the mental effect.

We're still very amicable. Eat dinner together, talk kindly to one another, text during the day...but she sleeps in another room, says she loves me in a strained way, and hugs/kisses me like a sibling. Regardless of how it eventually turns out, and dealing with that major uncertainty is the hardest part, I know I have to take more control of things that I want, and build more of a life that isn't centered around her and making sure her needs are met.

When I think of how she must look at me, she must see a do-nothing bump on a log, with no passion for himself, and no passion for life in general. And she's not wrong.

My solo portion of our intro period for couples counseling is today.

At this point, this forum has been my most meaningful outlet, so thank you to everyone. Sincerely.

Edit to add: Facebook has also been absolutely brutal the last couple of months. Every picture is us happy together, traveling somewhere awesome, or happy together 25 years ago - or some other couple, super happy together, with beautiful kids, even. Just stomach pain inducing.

bigc wrote: Thu Oct 27, 2022 7:12 am ...says she loves me in a strained way, and hugs/kisses me like a sibling.

That's really going to make your act of separating harder. At some point you'll have strength enough to politely put a stop to it, in the name of your own rebuilding. Keep your chin up.