TylerDeadPine wrote: Fri Nov 04, 2022 10:16 am yeah I get that, but there's no trophies for suffering if you end up in the same spot. Friends are great - they have perspectives, and some of them are good cooks.

I guess it's in my mind that trying to avert suffering is what's put me in this spot, and that the best way to deal with it is to feel it fully. But it's also true that there's a limit to what one can handle. Hard to say.

bigc wrote: Fri Nov 04, 2022 10:10 am

Dunno. Feels like being home and sitting with the pain makes the most sense right now.
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Oh, man, I'm sorry. All I can say with any certainty is that whatever happens, this pain will pass. It won't always be this bad.

bigc wrote: Fri Nov 04, 2022 10:28 am

TylerDeadPine wrote: Fri Nov 04, 2022 10:16 am yeah I get that, but there's no trophies for suffering if you end up in the same spot. Friends are great - they have perspectives, and some of them are good cooks.

I guess it's in my mind that trying to avert suffering is what's put me in this spot, and that the best way to deal with it is to feel it fully. But it's also true that there's a limit to what one can handle. Hard to say.

sorry about that - yeah know that you can walk to the shallow end of the pool if you need it

bigc wrote: Fri Nov 04, 2022 9:33 am My wife left yesterday. She's staying with close friends until she has a more long-term, but not permanent, solution. She doesn't feel like she can get a good understanding of how she wants to proceed without some real physical distance. I'm hoping she'll return so we can work on our issues and stay together.

I drank too much last night. Two very good friends came over to keep me company, but that only lasts until they leave and the gut-wrenching silence of her absence pervades every inch of the home we've shared for the last 21 years.

I’ve been there. It’s tough, especially if kids are involved.

Speaking from experience, it would probably behoove you to stop drinking for awhile. I had a hard time navigating my sadness and anger while under the influence, and when it came through, it was messy. Things will get better, but it may take awhile. It’s best to have the clearest head possible during this period. Exercise, meditation, and abstinence. Easier said than done, I know.

Dave N. wrote: Fri Nov 04, 2022 11:11 am I’ve been there. It’s tough, especially if kids are involved.

Speaking from experience, it would probably behoove you to stop drinking for awhile. I had a hard time navigating my sadness and anger while under the influence, and when it came through, it was messy. Things will get better, but it may take awhile. It’s best to have the clearest head possible during this period. Exercise, meditation, and abstinence. Easier said than done, I know.

No kids, thankfully (I guess).

Agreed on the clear-headed path. It's difficult enough sober. Throwing sloppy fuel on the fire surely won't help.

It's been a couple of weeks since she left. We went on a long walk one day and talked, then she came over a couple of Sundays ago to watch football and talk. We haven't seen each other since.

Every day has been so different and intense. Today I have been depressed and have had a few bouts of shaking. One day I feel empowered and capable, and the next day I feel the recoil of that, which feels like distance between us. I've been exercising more, going for walks first thing each morning and getting back to some yoga classes, but nothing fills the void in my heart, or bridges the gap between us. I find myself wanting to talk to her all the time, and fight the urge to text my feelings every moment. We still text, and she says that it's very difficult not talking to me. Our texts are kind and thoughtful.

I'm trying to be stoic, since I do want her to be happy, but that also feels like tacit approval of her departure. She came over this past Sunday to pick up some of her things and said that it's best that I not be home. So I haven't seen her since two Sundays ago. She still says that she doesn't feel sure about what she want for our future, but all of her actions are those of someone heading for permanence. I'm glad she has a good, safe place to stay long-term so she doesn't have to enter into an unsafe or expensive situation just so she can be away.

She has been dealing with the loss of a close family member since July, along with the realization that her mother has been emotionally abusing her for years, so I'm hoping that those hardships help to explain her lack of clarity. I'm still hoping she will come home and try to work on our marriage. She tells me that I am a good man, and have been a wonderful husband in so many ways, but that just feels like the friend zone 'it's not you it's me' explanation.

I made contact with an old therapist of mine from 20 years ago, and have an appointment with him tomorrow AM. I have also been sending out some job applications so I can regain some financial independence and get out of the house. I have two interview lined up, but am reticent to be hopeful about anything.

We've been in our house for 21 years. Everything is ours. All the pictures are of us and our wonderful experiences. But it's not too hard being in the house since she had been wanting to move for years. It's just that we've been together for 26 years. There isn't anything in my life that's not completely imbued with her presence.

I know I'm doing everything I can do, practically speaking, but I really want to figure out a way to maintain contact with her in a way that doesn't run her off.

Thanks for letting me vent. It feels awful, and I feel pretty dead inside.

Edit: I have been drinking some, but only socially and not to excess. I've pretty much cut out marijuana because of the role it played in our separation, and have had to use Ativan to sleep some nights. So no self-destruction going on.

bigc wrote: Tue Nov 22, 2022 12:05 pm She has been dealing with the loss of a close family member since July, along with the realization that her mother has been emotionally abusing her for years, so I'm hoping that those hardships help to explain her lack of clarity.

Both my wife and I each lost one of our parents in the past four years. Each death totally messed with our marriage for a while, so, yeah, I could see how the loss of a close family member could affect your situation.

I've also seen that just one single, awful thing that's going on in the home can make a spouse want to leave, even if it doesn't have anything to do with the other spouse. My youngest daughter, for years, refused to wake up in the morning for school. It messed with our marriage for a while, which was in large part my fault. I definitely had the desire to escape as much as possible (...I probably took a few extra business trips I didn't have to take during that time), which exacerbated the situation.

bigc wrote: Fri Nov 04, 2022 10:04 am

jfv wrote: Fri Nov 04, 2022 9:59 am Agree with FM penningtron to try to stay as busy as you can/keep mind occupied on other things.

Also, do whatever you can to not hit the booze too hard. Maybe not keep any in your home for a while. In times where I've foreseen a possible demise of my marriage, risk of destroying whatever is left of my life through alcohol is what scares me the most.

Thanks to you both for your replies.

Fortunately, booze just seems to amplify the agony, so I'm not too worried about that rabbit hole. And indulging that self-destruction would just ruin any chance of the outcome I most desire.

I hit the bottle (and the weed) with a vengeance for a while after my last relationship ended. The difference between my situation and yours, though, was that mine had already reached the stage of terminal unsalvageability. I thought I was enjoying the whole business of partying and being a free agent again, but what I was really doing was delaying the grieving process. Which eventually hit me like a juggernaut once I started gaining weight and cutting down - so I'd agree, booze is never anything more than a temporary sticking plaster over a wound that can take years to go away. I wish you the best, whatever the outcome.

Whatever the problem might be, all of you remember to keep consistent with your physical well-being. Get your steps in, do whatever workout fits you, but be on top of it every day. It's during slumps such as the present I truly appreciate how physical discipline is a literal lifesaver.

I got a notification that we had used up all of our available wireless data, which seemed odd, so I went online to check why and found that my wife has talked to a friend of her deceased Uncle's for 93 hours since August. There were no calls for three days over Thanksgiving, and he lives on a boat with no wireless, so I'm assuming she went to see him over the long weekend. I suspected that they may have been having an affair, but she promised me that our separation did not involve her having feelings for anyone else. I'm shaking right now. Pretty unable to think clearly, either. I haven't told many people about our separation because I haven't wanted to air our dirty laundry, or talk about it much, really, but I have no idea how to keep this information to myself with no avenue for venting.

I really want to believe that she's not having an affair, but there's just no explaining that level of communication.

I can't decide if I should confront her, though we haven't spoken in a few weeks, or just stew on it until my next therapy appointment on Wednesday, when I can get some advice on how to proceed. On one hand, the clarity would be illuminating and perhaps liberating, but I'm also wary of pushing the emotional chaos machine into action.

Is it a bad idea to let her know that I know?