That's a lot of progress bigc!

A_Man_Who_Tries wrote: Wed Dec 28, 2022 2:21 pm I am mentally exhausted, and profoundly depressed. The exhaustion is the killer of the two.

Ah man I am sorry. I do wish that things were not so unfairly hard.

Awesome news bigc!

Just an update post.
I've been in Rx since august and it's made a big difference. It's still a little weird but it's doing what it's supposed to.

A lot of my issues have been connected to work over the past several years. Had a job that went from great to toxic as AF, got fired from that job coming out of work-from-home, was happily unemployed for a few months, got a new job with a shit commute, got another new job closer to home, that job turned out to be reeeeally painful, due to institutional shit and a personality I was not compatible with.

Then last month I clicked a one-click apply for a sketchy looking post, and 5 days later had an offer for a new job. I started this Monday and wow what a world of difference. This job is weirdly close to the one I got fired from, it's basically the same job, at a different yet closely affiliated employer like 2 blocks away. The posting was sketchy 'cause it's basically a temp job, but it got me out of something I hated fast and pays more straight up. Benefits are lame but my wife's are decent so we'll use those.

The meds made things manageable while suffering through the last job long enough to start applying again, and with some encouragement from my wife and some thoughtful guidance from my therapist, I was able to make a change. It's pretty shocking how effective the meds have been at stopping the runaway train of thought I got so used to doom-spiraling on. I can just complete a thought and set it aside and move along without defaulting to bouncing from worst-case scenario to the next.

I'm also amazed at what a difference the work environment makes. It took a long time to recognize a slow progression from good to bad in the past, but over the last year, I've seen enough different places to be able to smell the toxicity from a mile away. This place might not be a forever job, and I'm sure it's got its own baggage, but fuck I'm glad to be someplace that doesn't feel instantly oppressive again.

Anyway, that's where I'm at today.
Hang in there everyone.

Really struggling with self confidence lately. There are things I want to go for, but fear+negative self-talk holds me back. I'm thinking about going back to therapy.

What are some good self-help apps? I just downloaded CBT Thought Diary, but I don't know if I want to spend 69.99 for a year of it.

zircona1 wrote: Mon Jan 16, 2023 2:23 pm Really struggling with self confidence lately. There are things I want to go for, but fear+negative self-talk holds me back. I'm thinking about going back to therapy.

If you're able to, then go back to therapy. There's no app comes close to that degree of support.

Therapy, for sure.

I also think it's really helpful to set small, achievable goals for simple tasks, like going for a walk, meditating, or exercising. Those things have very real, tangible benefits on mental health, and they also provide a context in which you can point to something you did and think 'I did that! Totally for myself, good for me, and I did it.'

My wife left over 4 months ago. I think I've established that, while she may have had some kind of weird emotional affair, she did not cheat on me.

She's still staying in our friends house. She mentioned a few weeks ago that she's planning on getting a short term place of her own so she can clear her head, think more clearly about what she wants, and get a feel for what day-to-day life on her own would be like. All to help her decide if she wants to stay married or get divorced.

I alternate between doing OK, and having a huge hole in my chest. When I abstain from alcohol, get good sleep, exercise daily, and maintain social connection, things are manageable. When I don't do those things, it feels like the world is ending.

We've seen each other a fair bit in the last month. Dinner and a movie one night, then she came over for dinner another - but the last time we had dinner out together, last Tuesday, I got the sense that she was seeing me out of guilt, and to ease her conscience about leaving me - not because she wanted to spend time with me. She got quickly irritated with me, and didn't ask a single question about me or how I was doing for the duration of our meal. I've pulled back in response to that feeling, and we haven't communicated in almost a week now.

I'm still being kind, patient, and open towards her. I still want us to be married and together, so that's where I'm setting my intention. I want my actions and demeanor to communicate love and kindness. But I'm also starting to accept that most separations end in divorce, and that I need to be prepared for that possible outcome. I don't know how to live with the intention of staying married, while preparing to be alone.

I'm still in the house we bought together in 2002. I took down some photos and photo albums of us and some of our vacations, because seeing them brought about a longing that was too painful to manage. Other than those kinds of superficial changes, I don't know how to think about moving on, since that's pretty clearly not what I want.

Folks, I can’t really read this thread anymore because I just don’t want to stir up my own stuff. I probably won’t read any replies if there are any to this post. But I just want to say I have a lot of love for everyone here. This shit is hard! It is hard! It can be ravaging. I’m sorry you are in it. But you are a hard ass motherfucker. Probably doesn’t feel like it, but you are tougher than you think, than what the world thinks is tough. Endure, my friends.

The days are getting darker, for sure.