rsmurphy wrote: Mon Aug 01, 2022 6:19 pm

kokorodoko wrote: Mon Aug 01, 2022 6:08 pm Then again even arriving at the point of "telling feelings" makes me feel sick. Smiles and sympathetic words makes me hate them. Making those relationships work has presented some troubles.

I feel like finding the right one is more difficult than the actual work.

I kind of had that hunch! Some relief to hear it from an other though.

rsmurphy wrote: Mon Aug 01, 2022 6:19 pm

kokorodoko wrote: Mon Aug 01, 2022 6:08 pm Then again even arriving at the point of "telling feelings" makes me feel sick. Smiles and sympathetic words makes me hate them. Making those relationships work has presented some troubles.

I feel like finding the right one is more difficult than the actual work.

Kokorodoko's comment about regarding the therapist as a robot sort of makes sense, in that it's not about the therapist's identity as much as it is about the function they serve and the work you do with them. In an ideal situation their personality doesn't matter. That said, nothing is ever ideal and the therapist's personality does end up mattering, if for no other reason than that the client's experiences and biases affect how they interact with the clinician. Some clients are unconsciously determined to sabotage the therapeutic process because the clinician reminds them too much of their dad or whatever.

During my most recent trip to Korea a few weeks ago, colleagues and I were going out every night after work and hitting the booze hard. It was kinda like spending a long weekend in NOLA’s French Quarter. By my last day, I pretty much felt like complete garbage.

I haven’t had a drop of booze since I got home… it’s been two weeks now. Not really expecting this to be 100% permanent based on past results, but I am at least going to try to not drink at home any more.

My mentee's best friend just died of an overdose. Probably fentanyl in the batch. Please be careful and if you're going to play with drugs please keep Narcan on hand and don't use alone.

I'm on day 2 of a break from alcohol after drinking way too much (again) over the holidays. (Can't exactly call it "dry January" for me because I was imbibing for its first 8 days...)

Also taking a break from the foofy, high-calorie Starbucks beverages.

Also attempting to stop snacking, particularly the damn delicious tortilla chips and salsa.

Also trying to exercise daily.

Belly is too big and I think I'm starting to suffer from sleep apnea.

Let's see how long it takes for me to give up because I love all of those things (except exercising).

I have cut out all of the stuff for January. I don't really want to go into the whys, but will say sleep that first week sucked. I finally adjusted a few nights ago, and hopefully stay that way. (yes to the exercise, sunlight when possible, turn off the devices late at night, etc. I know all that.)

When my wife first told me she was planning on leaving me, I had been drinking pretty much every night for 2-3 years. Maybe a handful of no-alcohol days mixed in there, but only because of hangovers or some kind of similar self-inflicted ailment. I was also smoking pot, or vaping it, every day during that time. I wasn't hammered every day, but I'd start with a cocktail after work, have another while cooking dinner, smoke some weed while cooking dinner, have some good wine with dinner, and then have at least two drinks after dinner. I was drunk and high, in some capacity, every day.

When she told me she was planning on leaving, I stopped both substances cold turkey, and had classic DT symptoms. Fever, sweats, insomnia, IBS, mood swings...all of it. I went two weeks totally sober, and, proud of myself, went back to drinking...just a little bit less, and with one day a week without drinking. She moved out on November 3rd, citing a host of problems: intimacy, emotional unavailability, inability to listen to her concerns, and, it seems, her having found someone with whom she could have some kind of emotional intimacy that wasn't me.

Given that the holidays were coming up, and I've lost two very close friends in past Novembers, I figured I'd try to moderate as best I could. That worked OK, as I wasn't a drunken mess, and found it easy to lay off weed since it got my head spinning too much, but now that so many folks are doing 'dry January' I figured I'd take the opportunity to make sobriety easier on myself and join them. Now, a week later, with no drinks and no weed, I'm horrified to find that I feel like a completely different person. A person I remember form a long time ago, who likes to read, play music, eat in moderation, and get good sleep. I'm still dealing with anxiety attacks, partly because of the horror of losing my relationship of 26 years, but partly because I see, with some clarity, that I've been abusing alcohol for the better part of 25 years. I've used it to deal with my Mom's disability (then losing her in 2017), the loss of two close friends, and the general anxiety that I've felt, more and more, as life has progressed. I realize that alcohol and weed destroyed our sex life, and my ability to be emotionally available. And my dopamine levels are a complete mess, making daily life very difficult for the time being.

I don't feel like an addict. I've been fine without using the last 10 days. But everywhere I look for some kind of support or counsel, I find that it's directed at someone who is genuinely addicted, and is non-functioning. I've found some solace in the physiology of abuse, and in exercise, sunlight, meditation, and a good therapist, but it all feels so lonely. So many of my friendships have evolved around alcohol/weed, and so many of my friends seem to have no life issues, or problems moderating. I do fairly well with a monastic mode of living. I don't want to join a program, but I need some sense of community, or belonging. And I'm getting tired of being anxious all the time.

After typing it out and reading it back, I feel like I have a bigger problem than I'd realized.

bigc wrote: Tue Jan 10, 2023 2:13 pmI don't feel like an addict.

This is a classic mind trap that keeps people from overcoming chemical dependence. You have a straw man addict/alcoholic in mind, and it's easy to find a myriad of ways in which you are not him. But who are you? Someone who used substances to cope with things you did not believe you could handle unaided. That is a definition of someone with a substance use disorder. You don't have to be in the gutter to qualify; the world is run (often into the ground) by functional addicts.

bigc wrote: Tue Jan 10, 2023 2:13 pmBut everywhere I look for some kind of support or counsel, I find that it's directed at someone who is genuinely addicted, and is non-functioning.

There are not enough support groups and other resources out there, especially due to the pandemic, and even where there are a bounty of groups they tend to be catch-all programs whose memberships skew toward the chronic user. But you could find a therapist who specializes in substance use disorders and who can tailor their approach to your level of dependence. Also think about it this way: if recovery groups provide a big dose for those with a big need, then the dose you get will be more than adequate for your hypothetically smaller need.

Regarding "real" alcoholics" vs. functional drinkers, when I quit I was only having 2 beers a day on average. Now they may have been tallboys but I'm a big boy too. Point being, I quit when I was drinking the least, and if I had said "Nah, I figured this out, I can drink responsibly now" then I would have still been a drinker when my mom's cancer got really bad, when I was struggling through grad school, when I was isolated during the pandemic, when I was working as a substance abuse counselor... basically when I was dealing with every challenge and obstacle for the past 12+ years. Any and all of those life situations could have become disastrous if I was an active drinker, because one drink holds the door open for another and another and another. What would have been equally tragic is that I would have never experienced the million dollars worth of insights sobriety has blessed me with about myself, my family, and humanity.

bigc wrote: Tue Jan 10, 2023 2:13 pmI've found some solace in the physiology of abuse, and in exercise, sunlight, meditation, and a good therapist, but it all feels so lonely. So many of my friendships have evolved around alcohol/weed, and so many of my friends seem to have no life issues, or problems moderating. I do fairly well with a monastic mode of living. I don't want to join a program, but I need some sense of community, or belonging. And I'm getting tired of being anxious all the time.

The biggest immediate positive when I got sober was playing in a band with all sober people. If you can find a small unit of cool folks that don't drink, try to get something regular together with them. It doesn't have to be an official AA meeting; any time you have 2 or more people in recovery together, you have a fellowship.




In my own news, I decided to kick Kratom as it seems to be mildly constipating, diminishes my sex drive a bit, and I just don't like doing anything habitually. It's been over a week and I don't really notice the difference, except that I am fully feeling all the aches and pains that come with my poor physical condition. I still think it has a lot of value as an alternative to opioids, but I don't have the excuse of being a junky and my chronic pain is not unbearable.

Excellent points, ChudFusk. I really appreciate the insight. It hits home just right. Particularly that one drink leaves the door open for more drinks (so true for me), and also makes it likely that I will manage future trauma with alcohol.