Thanks, y'all. There's no cap on available suffering, that's for sure. Plenty to go around, and that's why we're all here. It all ebbs and flows over time. For all of us.

That said, I'm shaking, crying, and trying not to throw up. I really want a drink, but I know it only makes things worse, and I know the tomorrow me that didn't drink will be pretty impressed with today me. Much more impressed than the me that's up all night because of a few drinks, and obsesses over the motional agony because of a buzz.

I can't help but think that there's still a possible future where we stay married and work things out. She's been pretty clear that that remains a possibility while not trying to suggest that she knows for sure where her head is about it all. And if my intention is that we work things out, then getting drunk is not the way to go. Giving her this time and space, after 26 years, is something I can do...it's just so much more difficult than most of the alternatives. There's nothing I can do to change it.

Oof - bigc this is so rough. Thinking of you from Sydney. I hope massively that you are okay.

For bigc and anyone else dealing with loss:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/bl ... neural-map

Thanks for sharing that. It's amazing to me how much of the things we hold onto for dear life really just boil down to biology.

bigc wrote: Thanks for sharing that. It's amazing to me how much of the things we hold onto for dear life really just boil down to biology.

Oh yes.

We are led around by biology and environment.

All this "thinking" and "feeling" we do, it's so highly reactive and so entirely dependent on those two things, in ways we can't even begin to inventory.

It's a big world. You get used to things and it feels like your whole being is dependent on them. It's really, really, REALLY not.

Minor (or perhaps not so minor) victory today: got a close friend in a very rough spot to finally look into therapy options, been working on that where I could for years now, trying not to push too hard and put him off the whole thing even more, he's now set to see someone later this week. Been quite worried about him, feeling better now.

Have been revisiting the Mental Illness Happy Hour and appreciating some of the new episodes.
The most recent is really solid:

https://mentalpod.com/archives/6833

"Dr. Scott Lyons (@DrScottLyons) is a holistic psychologist, educator, author, and a renowned body-based trauma expert. Scott is the creator of The Embody Lab—the largest online learning platform for body-based trauma therapies—and developer of Somatic Stress Release, a holistic process of restoring biological resilience. He sits down with Paul to discuss the topic of his newest book, Addicted to Drama."

Downloaded, and will check that out.

I've just relented to taking Xanax whenever my mind starts racing uncontrollably of late, which is pretty often, again.

Speaking with out therapist who we pay in cash (even though we're double insured with Anthem/Cigna), she's mentioned that more and more therapists are dropping out of taking any insurance because of how grinding the whole process can be, and how with a sole therapist practice the financials just don't make sense to be able to take on clients but also fight with insurance to get paid for each one - it's a similar amount of work as a doctor or dental practice but the pay isn't the same so the math doesn' t work out. Annecdotal but I've have a lot o friends struggling to find therapists who are taking on clients or taking many of the big name insurers. Just mentioning in case anyone is feeling let down with finding therapists, this may be part of the reason

TylerDeadPine wrote: Wed Apr 12, 2023 12:30 pm Speaking with out therapist who we pay in cash (even though we're double insured with Anthem/Cigna), she's mentioned that more and more therapists are dropping out of taking any insurance because of how grinding the whole process can be, and how with a sole therapist practice the financials just don't make sense to be able to take on clients but also fight with insurance to get paid for each one - it's a similar amount of work as a doctor or dental practice but the pay isn't the same so the math doesn' t work out. Annecdotal but I've have a lot o friends struggling to find therapists who are taking on clients or taking many of the big name insurers. Just mentioning in case anyone is feeling let down with finding therapists, this may be part of the reason

Thanks for sharing.

For the time being, I've given up on seeing a therapist for several of the reasons you've alluded to above. Also: in my experience, wait times are atrocious if you want to go through insurance to see a therapist.

Am unfortunately back to self-medicating with booze as of late, just like everyone else on my parents' side of the family.

A decade ago I moved here from another place, hoping to start a new life. Everything that didn't work before was now going to work, and I was quite optimistic.

The reality turned out almost the opposite of that. Lingering insecurities came back worse than ever before and I was feeling more lonely and less capable than at any other time.

At the same time, paradoxically, those first three years where I went to finish my highschool degree were very lively and fun, and I met lots of cool people. All of which, adding insult to injury, I was unable to fully take advantage of, being in the place I was. One person from that time I remain friends with today, two people I became very close with stopped returning my calls, several others I didn't have the confidence to continue anything with. I finished my degree, which had been hanging over my head for years, but I felt no accomplishment in it, since what I actually set out to do, and what I hoped for, I basically failed at.

Several years after that I spent in a kind of limbo. Nothing terrible, nothing truly good. I met people at uni, I hung out with people, but I felt basically nothing, couldn't take a deep interest in anything.

Where I'm at right now is more stable, I have intermittent periods of depression but also more frequent moments of hope and joy. The main thing is that I just have no clue how to move out of this spot. I want to meet people, but where would I go to meet them and what do I do once I find them? I have no instinct for this, none of it comes natural to me. My social muscle is atrophied and I lack sexual maturity. That might be ok when you're 18, but who's gonna give you grace in your mid-thirties? You're supposed to use your twenties to figure that stuff out! I'm haunted by the thought that I've wasted my "prime years" being scared, disoriented and depressed and that I've forfeited all my chances.

Since my late teens I have been waiting for my life to start for real, and never really getting there. There are always a bunch of frustrating obstacles in the way, the main ones being the social stuff and my inability to pull myself together and maintain discipline. The former feeds into the latter too - "what's the point of making the effort in this area if I still won't be socially comfortable, thus I still won't be happy?". Some folks demonstrably manage this, I haven't.

I'm in a spot of simultaneously feeling stuck in one place and having the years run past me; being incredibly impatient and wanting things to happen but also feeling like time is moving too fast and I need to retreat and rest.

It's not all bad. I recently arrived at the insight that a good number of people in this world I don't like, have nothing in common with, and thus do not need to worry about the opinions of. This became obvious to me in my early teens, maybe because I wanted to distance myself from a certain subcultural conceit I forgot about it later. But it's important, and more fair both to me and others.