Went to look at the parade today. Was pondering earlier whether I should call up a friend and walk together but I was kinda scared.
Once I got there I felt a pang of regret - oh I should have, it looks fun. Pretty soon I started to feel other things. I've passed by this place previous years, not really looked at the people, just watching as a curiosity, never considered it as something that had anything to do with me. This day I expected to feel out of place and uncomfortable. But as I was standing there watching all these people looking all kinds of different it was clear that you didn't have to make yourself into something to be there. You could meet these people all day every day and they'd look like they do now, except now something additional is revealed, outside of the everyday. Even if I don't know that person and even if I might be imagining, seeing them there like this and knowing that we share something by being here creates something like... safety? Something calming and exhilarating at the same time.
But also, when trying to think of myself as being part of something like this, I'm always hesitant because I worry whether I "count", or whether I'm the right kind. But again I thought that hey, however I am *is* the right way to be that thing - that's the whole point, right? I've heard many people say of course that many different ways of being are valid and I've thought yeah totally, but it *meant* something to me this time, it came to me naturally.
All this made me tear up and I had to take a time out.
Mixed in with all of this was also feelings of longing for companionship and of frustration at being controlled by fear and hesitance, and close at hand lies thoughts of "I am watching joy from afar but I cannot see myself ever getting there". But I've decided I'm done being sad, and especially on the gay day nobody should be sad.
Maybe you can relate to this, maybe you can't.
Anyway:
