^ I read your post and - despite being in what I think are significantly different circumstances - many of these points ring true for me, especially:

kokorodoko wrote: Wed May 31, 2023 8:55 am My social muscle is atrophied and I lack sexual maturity. That might be ok when you're 18, but who's gonna give you grace in your mid-thirties?

I'm in my mid-forties, married with kids, and, yep, both of these things apply to me too. You're not alone.

kokorodoko wrote: Wed May 31, 2023 8:55 amSince my late teens I have been waiting for my life to start for real, and never really getting there.

This is familiar. I THOUGHT I had finally crossed that barrier 3 or 4 years ago but it gradually unraveled for the usual reasons, and now once again feel like I'm starting over. I'm sure I'll stumble into another lucky break due to a supportive network I imposter'd my way into that I probably don't deserve.

On the brighter side I've had the time to get the physical part of my mental health in order. Better sleep habits, almost zero vices, a medication that works in a non intrusive way, and not sinking into trash food when all else seems pointless. It's the bare minimum I can do to have any sort of fighting chance, though if I start dwelling on the above too much I start to feel sick once again.

made a lot of movement in my therapy sessions of recent years... glad you are going for these tools... even "simple, clear-cut" issues can take a lot of work... but my experience, and what I've witnessed in others nearby, is that transformation is possible...channels can return to life... keep rockin... with you

A friend is going through a super difficult time right now; a third person sent them the above message when the friend shared recently that they're starting individual psychotherapy as a means -- one of several -- to help them to deal with all the difficult shit in ways that are effective and positive, whatever that might look like for them. IMO psychotherapy isn't the right toolkit for everyone, or for every issue -- there are so many variables, including whether the therapist is any fucking good at all; with some of them you could talk to ChatGPT instead and be no worse off, and possibly better -- but when it works as it is meant to, it can help a lot. All of that aside, though, I was touched by the spirit of this encouraging reminder: "transformation is possible." Just passing that along for anyone who might need to hear it.

Looking over the earlier post, it's clear that there is a circular thought process here with a few main themes.

A major thing which causes me to get stuck all the time is the dread I feel when trying to imagine any future scenario (that is, any point toward which I might decide to try to move myself). There is none, out of all the possibilities I can imagine, in which I am satisfied with my situation, or in which I have any better prospects, or in which I am even capable of sustaining myself, materially and psychologically.

However, this is specifically just imagining. The actual situation I'm in is never as catastrophic, from what I can see. The greater part of the horror I experience in any situation is the future I imagine to be waiting. I know that I am apt to catastrophize - this person probably hates me now because of something I did, I will probably lose my job because of some mistake I made, these are all the things which might go wrong in this thing I'm planning. I've watched myself go through cycles like these a couple of times now, where the dreaded outcome didn't correspond to the actual situation, which is how I know this kind of anticipation is an actual pathology in myself, independent of the concrete situation.

This kind of imagining, therefore, does not provide information. It's some special kind of fear-complex, probably triggered by this or that thing. So separating those two is a start at least.

I've had a similar thought to this before, but then I always thought "but if I can't imagine the future, how am I supposed to make plans?". That itself becomes a cycle though. I'll have to do something different.

The last theme is political. My awareness of the state of the world and its future prospects melds with my personal anxieties. It's not unlikely that there is a selection bias here though, a kind of reverse Pinker-effect. Also, and I think this is common, especially for people habituated to a shallow Marxism, there is a tendency to imagine, on the one hand, the world situation as a comprehensible, linear whole, where everything on the individual plane is ultimately downstream from an outer limit or encompassing structure, on which attention must always be directed; on the other hand, the specifics of your individual situation as scaling upwards and outwards. None of which I think are good descriptions.

There are, demonstrably, a multitude of very different individual situations occurring simultaneously, and a corresponding multitude of mind-states accompanying these situations. There is therefore no reliable way of of claiming any one of these situations to be representative above the others - "it might seem to you in your limited perspective that your life is pretty ok, but in the real world...". I don't want to be a relativist of course, but there has to be some way of acknowledging the reality that you can be in a moment which completely shuts out, makes insignificant, all that is going on around it, even while knowing that all that other stuff is in fact going on. We do this all the time in everyday life.

I don't have the thing where I feel guilt for the rest of the world, in the sense of "who am I to enjoy myself when all of this is happening", but I do have thoughts of "how could it ever be possible for me to be happy or to find myself in a situation I'm satisfied with, given that all of this is happening". But I guess they amount to a similar thing - since I know that so many suffer I deny myself the ability to not suffer, and since I know that disaster already visits so many, I live in anticipation of that same disaster visiting me. But there has to be some way of caring for yourself and caring for the world, not feeling like the weight of the world has to cancel out any happiness of your own.

And again, there is a difference in what the concrete reality is and what my mind makes of the awareness of this reality. What sorts of outcomes I am instinctively apt to consider more likely, what kinds of possibilities or opportunities I see or fail to see.

Anyway, these are some things.

My youngest brother died three weeks ago.

<redacted>

A friend who lost someone close in similar circumstances described to me the first few weeks as total fog. She’s quite right.

sparky wrote: Tue Jul 11, 2023 10:47 pm My youngest brother died three weeks ago.

Fucking hell mate. I am so, so sorry. Anything I might be able to offer, do let me know. Even if it's just space to vent.

Ah, so sorry to hear about that Mark. That's surely rough. But am glad to hear you have a support group among your family to help you work through it. Peace be with you, man. We might not keep up much, but I still consider you "one of the good ones."

Unrelated but, my dad had a stroke this morning, and probably one of the worst days of his life. Have talked about it with a friend and my mom, or course, but it's some weirdness after a fairly trying week. Many different thoughts bouncing around. I don't even know what to think exactly.

Dave, my thoughts are with you and your parents. Hit me up if you want to talk at any point. I hope your dad is feeling better very soon.

Mark, I am so sorry for your loss. That is devastating beyond words. I saw that you were moving and can imagine how incredibly rough and disorienting things may be right now. Please also hit me up privately if you want to talk. I'm going to be across the straits from you, outside of Port Angeles, in about a month. On the off chance it would do you good to take a couple days off and come over to hang and get some space, let me know. In the meantime, much love from here.

So sorry sparky.

AMWT, Dave, Jim and CF, thank you. I'm going to zap most of that post as I feel a little queasy with the detail in there. I feel better for writing it, though.

Dave, I am really sad to hear of your dad's stroke and I really hope you're all ok and keeping it together.

Jim, I'll write to you separately. Our little trio is slightly stranded by circumstance for now, but if there's a way we can catch up without dropping M & O in it, I'd love to.

Much love to you all, Mx