Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world." They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world," Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated: "Just who the hell is this Camilla Parker-Bowles???"

rysie wrote:Sleeping Beauty...

Oh dear.

fuck it.

i knew i shouldnt have.

Q:Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
A:His goal: transcend dental medication.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...... (GET READY FOR THE BIG PAY-OFF! THIS WILL MAKE YOU WET YOURSELF LIKE A GRANNY)


A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!!!

Rimbaud III wrote:Mahatma Gandhi...
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!!!

So it's going to be that kind of party, eh?

So it seems that this fellow had two possessions that he prized over all others, and those were his two pet porpoises. He had a special tank built in the middle of his house to hold them, and he gave them the best care, the best food and medicine that he knew how. But in spite of his best care, the porpoises were growing old and sick, and appeared to be close to death. He scoured the internet, he combed the library, he went to veterinarian after veterinarian trying to find anything he could to improve their health and prolong their life. After every marine biologist and zoologist had been consulted, he decided, in desperation, to call on one more person: this eccentric old man who lived in a shack on the beach. The old man has the answer: porpoises thrive on fresh seagull meat - in fact, if they can get enough of it, they might never die. Never die! The man is ecstatic - the beach is thick with these birds, and after a few well-thrown stones, the man has as many as he can carry. He drives back home as quickly as possible, knowing his porpoises are at death's door. Arriving home, he is shocked to see, reclining across his entryway, a great lion! Normally, the man would be paralyzed with fear, but, motivated by his concern for his beloved pets, the man jumps into action. Rashly, he begins to try to coax, cajole, push, pull, threaten, and otherwise attempt to compel the lion to quit his resting place. Nothing succeeds. But the clock is ticking on his pets, so he decides to simply leap over the cat and into the house. As soon as he does so, however, federal agents spring from the bushes and immediately arrest him. The charge: Transporting gulls over staid lions for immortal porpoises.

OK then!

You asked for it.

Warning, the yanks might not get it.

It was Tuesday morning and little Tommy was terribly excited since he was to spend the day helping Uncle Trevor (a convicted paedophile and armed robber) at the zoo where Trevor had installed himself as an animal warden.

Upon arrival, Tommy was slightly alarmed to be greeted by a clearly distracted Uncle Trevor. Understandably, Trevor was extremely concerned for the welfare of his brother's child and was desperately attempting to devise a plan which might ensure that little Tommy spent the day happily engaged in animal-related activities, whilst being as far from Trevor and his perverse desires as possible.

An idea dawned on Trevor; he would allow Tommy to feed the animals! What possible harm could come to Tommy whilst busy dosing the animals with their daily nutrition?

Tommy happily set off around the zoo with a sack of zoo-food, secretly relieved to be apart from his sinister uncle.

Tommy first paused at the aquarium where he had been instructed to feed the Yellow Poo-Fish. Tommy stood aside the tank and hurled the food over the edge, he was slightly unsure as to how the fish would eat the bananas that happened to be at the top of his food-sack and observed carefully as the fish nibbled at them.

One by one the fish floated dead to the surface!

'Holy fucking-fuck!' thought Tommy, 'I've only gone and poisoned the fucking Poo-Fish!'.

Quickly Tommy scooped the Poo-Fish into a carrier bag and left the aquarium, desperate that his uncle should not discover his mistake and sexually abuse him by way of bizarre and illegal punishment.

Next Tommy stopped at the chimpanzee cage. Selecting a fine leg of lamb from his food-sack, he tossed it to the two smallest chimps. Immediately all hell broke loose; Tommy (it would seem) had upset the fragile hierarchy of the chimp-group and the elders meant to right this wrong by means of extreme violence. Before Tommy could make excellent his escape, the two smallest chimpanzees had been hurled, limp and lifeless as a pair of damp pillows out of the cage.

'Jeebus M fucking Christ!' thought Tommy, 'What in the name of fucking fuck was that about?'

Quickly Tommy popped the two corpses into his carrier bag with the Poo-Fish.

Tommy hurried on to his next lucky diners; a hive of rare Chinese Totem Bees. Tommy carefully withdrew a handful of fresh duck eggs from the sack and threw then at a nearby swarm of the beautiful, buzzing bastards.

Exploding on impact like bombs of eggy napalm, the food (clearly not entirely suited to these fine stripy specimens) brought down the entire swarm!

'Fuckity-fucking-fuck!' thought Timmy, 'Uncle Trevor is going to exact some kind of foul revenge on me for certain! I must destroy the evidence!'

Tommy scooped the sloppy bee-mess into his carrier bag.

Tommy noticed that the infamous Talking Lion of Peru stalked close-by in his sizable cage.

'What luck!' thought Tommy, 'the Talking Lion of Peru will almost certainly eat my victims and thus I will go unmolested!'

Carefully Tommy emptied the carrier bag into the Talking Lion of Peru's food bowl.

"ROOOOOOAAAAARRRR!!!" shouted the Lion, "what in the name of God is this shit?!?"

"Oh" said Tommy, "it's fish, chimps and mushy bees."

brilliant.

copy and pasting it as we speak. telling all i made it up.

guy speeding down the street gets stopped by the police.
they check his car over to find the boot full of penguins.

what the hell are these doing here they say.
these should be taken to the zoo.

ok says the guy.

next day same thing. he gets pulled over for speeding.
cops search the car to find the bootful of penguins wearing sunglasses.

sir i thought we told you take these animals to the zoo.

i did he replied. we're going to the beach today.
hahahaha

rysie wrote:telling all i made it up.

You thieving cockney bastard!

i didnt get where i am today without being a theiving cockney.

rysie wrote:i didnt get where i am today without being a theiving cockney.

Hence "Jumped bail and landed up in jail"?