I'm feeling a little down today. not like black depths of depression, but a bit low.

Things are going pretty well generally, but in an improved to middling sort of way. Couples therapy with my wife feels like it's helping and it feels like the residual tension over some bad choices of mine are beginning to fade, but we're not entirely back where we want to be.

Work is fine, but not much more. I'm 9 months into a year long temp assignment, and signs are looking good for an extension/permanent offer. There's nothing thrilling about it, or even particularly fulfilling. There's an average of maybe 5 hours worth of actual work in any given week and there's a lot of time wasted just being here for 8 hours waiting for nothing to happen. It's also a bit too close, both in scope and geographically, to a job I had long enough to crush my soul and drive me into depression before kicking me to the curb.

I went through a month of customer service hell. Cell phone carrier issues, home internet provider issues, UPS losing packages and having to deal with the sender because UPS wouldn't talk to me directly, refunds not coming easily, and a big ass oak tree decided to break and drop a giant branch right on the power line feeding my house and the power company trying to put it on me. Everything finally settled and worked out and I actually got some extra money back for my troubles, but it all fucking wiped me out, and I got sick.

The weather here in southern California has changed from brutal heat with uncharacteristic humidity to something resembling fall weather but not requiring a jacket. Nights are cool enough to sleep comfortably again without air conditioning.

Anyway, all this just makes me fucking tired. I want to hibernate. While I acknowledge everything terrible that happened with the pandemic, I miss lockdown. I miss reclaiming idle time on the clock for myself to do things around the house. I miss taking my dog for a walk every morning. I miss being unemployed and feeling unburdened by obligation. There was a time when I felt like I was actually getting somewhere with healing and the sort of work required to really change my outlook on things, but then I ended up in a job and routine again that, while fine, just keeps me stagnant in a different, rut. A shallower rut, but a rut nonetheless.

I just want to break out of the cycle of pointless, gainless employment and do something that's actually fulfilling without having to worry about how to monetize it.

In a weird way, the one thing keeping me sane right now is recognizing everyone we know is struggling in some way. Everyone is either/some combination of overworked, unfulfilled, or unemployed (raises hand). Relationships are just barely hanging on if yr lucky. Or even if that's all fine, only a total fucking idiot would be happy with the state of the world at large. People I know are less motivated to go out to things, play music, or even hang out a lot of the time. I find myself not writing to friends I normally check in with because I kinda know what their response will be, and I'd be a Debbie fuckin' Downer right back at them. One thing I have to "look forward to" this week is a gov't shutdown, as it means I'll get to spend some quality time with my overstressed partner for once, which is horrible to say but otherwise its back to the delusion that society is gonna get caught up from the pandemic AND THEN SOME..

This decade sucks.

Long time listener, first time caller.

Health and job and house ok so feel like I shouldn't complain. But I will. Couple years relationship ended a few months ago, decided to get back out there. Probably should have waited as I've gained weight and let things go around the house more than I'm entirely comfortable with. Met someone very cool pretty quick, not what I expected at all. Leaned in a little too hard and got the "thanks but no thanks" which wasn't terrible, made me realize I really need to focus on self care. Also external validation is a bitch. And managing ADHD. The meds help but make me want to smoke.

Ups and downs here.


I wanted to bump this thread to share some videos that Vic Berger, of all people, recommended on the Office Hours Live podcast. I have been jumping around on this channel this past week and found it very helpful to restart some deeper engagement with some childhood trauma:

https://www.youtube.com/@patrickteahanofficial


Maybe some of you will get something out of them too...


Much love / xoxox

bigc wrote: Wed Mar 29, 2023 2:46 pm There is no amount of supplementation or daily protocols that will soften the blow of having your wife tell you she's found a place to live by herself.

I posted this over a year ago, after months of agonizing separation from my wife where we saw very little of each other, and communicated only out of necessity. She moved into her apartment on May 3, 2023. She's now been in that apartment one year.

We started spending some deliberate time together in June 2023. Those hangs were often awkward, but we found that we retained our connection, and still really enjoyed each other's company. Over the ensuing months, we spent more and more time together, started being affectionate (thought not intimate) again, and even started saying 'I love you' to each other again. We started reading books on how to navigate marriage difficulty, and we started seeing a marriage counselor in February.

She told me last night that, despite all of our efforts to reunite, she can't find the feeling she needs to reenter our marriage. I tell her I miss her, ask when we can spend time together, and we communicate often - but she claims she doesn't feel the same pull to be with me.

We've been together for 27 years, since I was 22 years old.

bigc wrote: Mon May 06, 2024 11:48 am She told me last night that, despite all of our efforts to reunite, she can't find the feeling she needs to reenter our marriage.

I've often thought about you and your posts here. I hope you can be decisive in moving on from your ex-wife. You need to, and you deserve to.

A_Man_Who_Tries wrote: Mon May 06, 2024 12:33 pm I've often thought about you and your posts here. I hope you can be decisive in moving on from your ex-wife. You need to, and you deserve to.

I just can't get there at this point. We're still married. We're still seeing a counselor. So much of my life is built around being with her. I can't imagine a future without her in it.

But I do hear you - at some point there needs to be some definitive closure of some kind. It's just so difficult to accept. I've lost three close friends, my Mom to an extended post-stroke assisted living stay of 17 years, and now the love of my life. At some point the grief becomes overwhelming. I cant sleep, I have no appetite, I started taking Xanax again (only when the anxiety is in full swing, and just .25 mg) - my body feels like it's pulsating with emotional pain.

I've never been more glad that I addressed my drinking and drug use, though. That'd be quite a ditch to drive into right now.

Today sucks.
I work at a college and fiscal year starts July 1. Friday they sent an email saying all staff would be getting a 3% raise, plus whatever additional handful of coins your manager says you're good for. Today I go to check my new pay, and it's only an increase of 1.74% because I was a temp for a year before being hired for real in Dec. and "The general increase for employees who worked the entire fiscal year 23/24 was 3%"

Much of my mental health struggles stem from toxic workplaces and the bullshit that comes with them. I'm fucking sick of trying to convince shitty employers that I'm worth something. I especially hate all the fucking tricks like this they use to cheat people out of what they're worth.

I've been on meds for almost 2 years, and have been adjusting dosages, and lately dropped to a pretty low dose of lexapro in an attempt to feel things without the lag (not the best analogy, but not sure how else to phrase it) and hopefully allow me to work on reversing weight gain and weak libido I believe it's caused. It's only been a few weeks since adjusting the dosage. I'm certainly feeling things, and this bullshit just fucking hit me like a kick in the nuts. Fucking uncontrollable physio-emotional response like a god damn reflex.

I've been sitting at my desk visualizing myself screaming into the void. The fact that this country is bullshit (but hey at least now it's on paper) doesn't help. I'll be drinking tonight and taking out some frustration physically on some empanada dough I'll be rolling out for my contribution to a pot luck later this week. Then playing guitar.

Decouple income from work. No Jobs, No Managers.

I am fucked. I have borderline personality disorder and fairly full on anxiety. Which makes things hard and me hard to be around, especially when stressed. Job market is fucked for my qualifications so I've been struggling to earn much the past year. It's made me utterly shit to be around and quite snappy, erratic miserable and shit to be around. My wife of almost six years told me she's had enough of it all today and is leaving. Which has just removed the only good thing in my life, even if I made that impossible to see. Most of my friends have moved away or fallen away and I have a really shit history of what happens when things go majorly wrong for me and this would be the all time new peak of anything like this. I am just fucked. Utterly fucked.

Nothing I can say. Awful situation. Sincerely hope you can get yourself through it and out of it and you know, that things improve, in whatever way.