Thanks. Got a fairly horrendous feeling that I've lost my wife and best friend in one go, and that the house and rest will follow in short order. Just let things get too deep in the rut and stopped realising how it's been for other people.

I'm sorry, FM free meat.

If you lost sight of what you had in your partner and regret it now, fight for your relationship if she is at all open to the idea. Don't give up yet. Show that you understand what you did and tell her what you want. Figure out what steps you could take (small and large, both for your own mental health and your relationship) to show her you're serious. Hang in there.

Trying man. Trying to back off for now, said what I could and told her I need to change but it's possibly far too late. Taking some time at her brothers this week. Then I don't know what happens. Trying not to just go off the deepend and do anything stupid. Calling doctors tomorrow first thing.

That is a very good plan. Often if I know I'm being toxic or shitty for my partner to live with, I think well of course, that makes sense and I get it, without really considering that maybe what's needed is some actual self care. I can imagine your wife might have decided to cut her losses, no matter how sad or agonizing it might be for her, because it seems like things won't change. But taking care of yourself, no matter whether you feel like you deserve it, is a way to show that things can change and it's worth putting up with the now for the sake of better things. At the very worst, you will have done something positive for yourself and that will give you resilience for whatever comes.

free meat wrote: Sun Jul 14, 2024 3:28 pm Trying man. Trying to back off for now, said what I could and told her I need to change but it's possibly far too late. Taking some time at her brothers this week. Then I don't know what happens. Trying not to just go off the deepend and do anything stupid. Calling doctors tomorrow first thing.

How's your day been?

free meat wrote: Sun Jul 14, 2024 1:43 pm I am fucked. I have borderline personality disorder and fairly full on anxiety. Which makes things hard and me hard to be around, especially when stressed. Job market is fucked for my qualifications so I've been struggling to earn much the past year. It's made me utterly shit to be around and quite snappy, erratic miserable and shit to be around. My wife of almost six years told me she's had enough of it all today and is leaving. Which has just removed the only good thing in my life, even if I made that impossible to see. Most of my friends have moved away or fallen away and I have a really shit history of what happens when things go majorly wrong for me and this would be the all time new peak of anything like this. I am just fucked. Utterly fucked.

I'm so sorry to hear this. And so sorry you're going through it at all. I've been in a fairly similar situation recently. It's so difficult to see a way out, or to feel anything but dread. I experienced so much catastrophic thinking that I felt physically encumbered by anxiety.

I think you're wise to give your relationship a little time to breathe, and both of you some time to think.

What I found most helpful was creating some kind of basic structure to my days that prioritized what seem like very basic things. Eat as healthily as you can. Drink lots of water and avoid alcohol and any other altering substances. Try to exercise every day - outside if possible so you can get some sun in your eyes and on your skin. Try to prioritize sleep as best you can. Do some kind of productive activity that engages your mind. If you have work to do, do it. If not, make something up to work on.

I also found that limiting my screen time and avoiding social media helped a ton.

What feels like the end of days can absolutely morph into an opportunity to reclaim your life.

Thinking about you.

Thank you both. It's been fairly horrible. Tried not to do anything stupid and slept when I could inbetween being hysterical or numb. Had a breakdown at the doctors, which was to be expected but mortifying. If I'm going to survive this in any way I need to tell more people about it all so that's been really hard.

I think all the suggestions about routine and basic health make perfect sense and I need them back in my life regardless. Struggling to eat much but trying. Ive barely ate for so long due to stress and money worries and it's been a major factor in things going wrong. When I was low on cash I'd pretend to not be hungry rather than ask for help with groceries. I don't know why I fucking did that either. Anyway, it's just hard to correct when I feel like this, but I know it will help.

Money and mental health just destroyed me completely this year. It's like one of those films where the main guy wakes up having killed everyone but can't remember doing it. All the shitty moments slowly seeping back into my brain.

I wrote a huge email apologising for as much as I could and trying to show how I can be better, but I'm not sending it until I know it's over or she wants to hear it. Giving her space. Avoiding social media so I can't see her online.

I survived two horrible days of it. Will see how many more we can go. Thank you to everyone on this. I think I'd have lost it completely if I hadn't posted that night so thank you.

I'm glad you posted.
Maybe tell her you wrote that email anyways and she can ask you to send it if/when she is ever ready.
It's not your fault, the larger context, the world (or system or however you choose to put it) conspires to make you feel shame and hesitant to reach out. But now you've reached out anyway. Your instincts were good.
Much love to you.

With BPD, you need one of three things: a partner with an endless supply of blood, sweat and tears, a partner that has extremely strong boundaries, or to be single. If you have a partner who is a regular human being with limits and vulnerabilities, the relationship is bound to end painfully. The best thing that can happen for you both is to separate before any more damage is done, and do your healing apart from each other. There is still hope for the future If you are willing to work on your issues, and if they are willing to give you another chance while maintaining their own healthy boundaries. just don’t expect things to go back to the way they were if you have any desire for a healthy relationship that will last.

First off it’s a huge achievement to break through that wall and start finding help and talking about these things. Just that act is a breakthrough in the recovery process - the biggest single breakthrough. Give yourself credit and enjoy the feeling that it’s not just a one way slide, there are ways to change things and you’ve started that work instead of feeling helpless and letting it continue. Huge accomplishment.

Next - you may feel the need to apologise but my gut is that you shouldn’t send promises of change. At this stage it risks setting you up for failure because this is a hard and variable process. You don’t need another thing to fail at, which is clearly how you’re seeing yourself and a large part of how shitty you feel. Beating yourself up for breaking down when you finally sought help shows that you’re ready to see everything about yourself in its most negative light, instead of acknowledging that anyone would totally lose their shit if they went through what you’ve gone through. If you add an imaginary expectation by telling your wife this is what you’re gonna do, it becomes another stick to beat yourself with. Tell her you are seeking help and working on it, that is more than enough, and let the change speak for itself. She stuck around for this long in misery, so she is still in your corner and you have time to make things better. She would be long gone if she didn’t still have hope.
Keep talking. We are listening. Other people will care and your shame at your situation is anger at yourself, you will find the more you share it with other people the more understanding and acceptance you’ll find. It’s already working.