jfv wrote: Fri Sep 13, 2024 10:06 am

Hex wrote: Thu Sep 12, 2024 3:45 pm I took a road trip over the weekend and saw many friends and had incredible sex and felt so loved but the feeling wore off almost instantaneously and I was depressed before I even left for home.

I don't know where you went on your road trip, but it sounds better than where you call "home".

Is there any way for you to make where you went on your road trip "home"?

I sincerely wish the best for you.

I feel torn because I love my family here but the state government is so fucking awful to the point where a senator is spreading racist lies about his own constituents and millions of assholes believe them and are already starting to terrorize people. I can’t even watch YouTube videos without getting transphobic political ads. Fucking companies that turn their logos rainbow for a month then turn around and allow this shit. I hope the ceos of companies like that, every fucking fascist asshole like jd vance, everyone that’s threatened or sexually assaulted me or my loved ones bullets to the goddamn head. And the fucking Democrats, these nazi assholes are on the rise and all they can do is be “civil” or “compromise”. I’m so fucking tired of people in power stressing being nice to people who advocate for trans people to be put in camps. It legit makes my blood boil but I’m expected to just keep cool under all this shit or else *I’m* the bad person. The Supreme Court revokes millions of people’s bodily autonomy and the dem’s response is to build gates around it. “But we need more people like you!” sure but have you considered this world is absolutely agonizing to exist in for someone like me? And I don’t want to exist just to be a tool for “progress”, the “progress” of course being corporations and governments consolidating more and more power and fascism where they’re not even pretending not to be racist and queerphobic on the rise to be at the helms of power. Oh but I have more “rights” than I would have 50 years ago? Those “rights” are still just subject to the whims of a bunch of old white dudes at any given moment, that’s not progress, that’s overlords allowing a little more leeway. Progress would be not having to beg these assholes for crumbs because we wouldn’t have fucking systems at all that allow a handful of people power over millions of others, but barely anyone wants to fucking fight against that when they aren’t already in their crosshairs. And I don’t really blame anyone who is sympathetic but doesn’t want to fight because they’d probably be outnumbered and quashed, but it solidifies my view that this world is a fucking awful place and hopelessness that fascism will ever not be a dominant power when it’s so fucking easy for them to point to small marginalized groups and get millions of people to hate us, and opposing powers write us off as “acceptable losses”. There’s a reason myself and nearly everyone in my community doesn’t want to have children (seriously, of the around hundred or so trans people I know personally, exactly two have any children) and it’s because barely anyone wants to bring anyone into this horrible world if they even have a chance of being treated like we are. And we still have wonderful, fulfilling moments in our lives! I’m close with so many people, I feel community like never before. Part of the reason I started feeling depressed on my trip was because I was missing my girlfriends back home. I wish I could just uproot all of us to a safe haven but barely anyone has money to afford better places elsewhere and none of us want to break apart our families. What are we even supposed to do? There’s a reason so many of us are especially sympathetic to what’s happening in Palestine right now—an entire population is being systemically exterminated while world powers either fully support the genocide or go “tut tut” and turn around and ignore it. And they have the fucking gall to chastise anyone who gets upset about it. “Think about the greater good!” It’s always for the “greater good” and do you ever notice how that always seems to include their own asses? Like 9/11 happens and all of a sudden it’s HOO-RAH kill every brown person in the middle east! for fucking decades but when trans people are being denied basic medical care leading to mass suffering and suicide it’s “let’s not be rash, we need to be peaceful”. I think that’s what I can’t stand about the world the most, the blatant hypocrisy and lies constantly perpetrated by those in power and by the public at large. Millions of people suffer and die due to neglect and discrimination, due to not being able to afford housing in a world with more homes than people? Yawn. Someone who is a victim of this shit punches a nazi? OH MY GOD HOW HORRIBLE, IF THEY DON’T WANT TO BE DISCRIMINATED AGAINST THEY NEED TO ACT MORE CIVIL [as they are being stepped on]. I’m tired of this, I’m so fucking tired, I never asked to be put in this horrible world, I don’t want to be forced to be a miserable tool in the hopes of change against vastly more powerful people and systems, I just want to be with my loved ones and for them to be happy and not suffering all the fucking time.

Most people I know can handle stuff like this better than me but my brain is just constantly on fire due to a litany of mental illnesses that are usually manageable, like it’s usually a low simmer that I’m able to distract myself from. But then I go outside and a dude tells me to suck his dick and threatens me when I ignore him and it’s kerosene on the fire. I turn on youtube to watch someone play mario and I get hit with a fucking ad against the one semi-progressive senator chastising him for supporting trans people playing sports and it’s kerosene on the fire. I go on a wonderful trip to get a message from my friend that her cat who escaped [when her mom kicked her out because her mom’s boyfriend sexually harassed her and she chose her fucking boyfriend who lives on another continent that she’s seen in person once over her own fucking daughter] turned up dead and it’s kerosene on the fire. How the FUCK am I expected to handle this shit? I’m undergoing therapy for PTSD but they literally have nothing for me when I’m subjected to trauma every fucking day. When I was hospitalized a couple years ago I brought up to one of the councilors in a group that their techniques don’t work when one is constantly facing housing and financial insecurities, violence, the literal state oppressing us. Another person brought up when she’s discharged she’s going to go back to a husband that beats her and she has no where else to go because she has no income and is disabled. They didn’t have a fucking answer for it, just “well if you imagine putting your trauma in a box and locking it up it helps better than nothing.”
A couple weeks ago the hospital I get treatment from put out a statement that they would “regretfully” have to discontinue trans healthcare to minors due to a recent state law being held up in court. A law rooted in bigotry. Instead of banding together and saying “no, we aren’t going to discriminate against a marginalized population that’s already at extreme risk” or going on collective strike, demanding that if they can’t serve that population, they’ll serve no one, instead of actually standing in solidarity, they fucking threw them under the bus, against all medical ethics, because of a handful of bigots. Humans can be such horrible selfish pieces of shit, and I’m not excluding myself in that assessment. I don’t even believe in free will, it’s just a tragedy that people and other animals will routinely cause worse suffering to others to prevent their own and I struggle living in a world where that’s the case. I want out so bad but there doesn’t seem to be a way without causing massive hurt, it’s a fucking curse

I’m probably not going to kill myself unless something really horrible were to happen to the people closest to me in my life. I’m 34 years old, and I’ve gotten thru some worse parts in my life (though unfortunately I think the worst parts are yet to come with the current political climate). I’ll probably get thru this episode and feel better. But it’s both cathartic to type this all out, and I have this drive to want to inform people what my life is like. My parents never thought they’d have an autistic trans kid that struggled with severe depression and anxiety. I wish they would have.

I know it's easier said than done... but Hang on. Always. Hang on.

sooner or later you'll find Home.

There's no way that retarded carrot wins again.

Hex wrote: Fri Sep 13, 2024 12:07 pm I’m probably not going to kill myself unless something really horrible were to happen to the people closest to me in my life. I’m 34 years old, and I’ve gotten thru some worse parts in my life (though unfortunately I think the worst parts are yet to come with the current political climate). I’ll probably get thru this episode and feel better. But it’s both cathartic to type this all out, and I have this drive to want to inform people what my life is like. My parents never thought they’d have an autistic trans kid that struggled with severe depression and anxiety. I wish they would have.

I may not always reply, but I always read this, the cancer thread, and the sobriety thread. Someone's listening.

Just wanted to update everyone that I’m starting to feel a lot better. Still not happy about the world but it’s not as painful and immediate a feeling as it’s been the last several days and I was finally able to get myself out of bed to take care of some things that had been piling up. Ty for the words of support <3

I’ve been unmedicated for ADHD for a year and a half beginning with the shortage from early 2023. I stopped trying after being so frustrated from being turned down from every pharmacy in Los Angeles.

So here I am a year and half later, giving it another go, I paid $250 for a telehealth appointment and have my Rx ready, surly the shortage is over now?

Wrong. Still just as bad as it was before, can’t get my Rx filled in anywhere in Los Angeles. Tons of Reddit threads confirm that it’s still an ongoing issue with no end in sight, and I’m hardly the only person in this exact same excruciatingly frustrating position.

I’m about to lose my mind, whatever’s left of it anyway. I have had the shittiest, most unproductive year and a half. Barely holding it down at my job. Barely able to keep my attention focused on making music, reading, and even playing fucking video games. I can’t even play a goddamned game for more than ten minutes at a time without losing focus and switching to another task. I won’t do it, but I understand how people turn to other illicit means considering how difficult it is do it through the proper channels.

Hex wrote: Fri Sep 13, 2024 8:12 pm Just wanted to update everyone that I’m starting to feel a lot better. Still not happy about the world but it’s not as painful and immediate a feeling as it’s been the last several days and I was finally able to get myself out of bed to take care of some things that had been piling up. Ty for the words of support <3

hang in there, it will for sure get better with time. hope so!

Frankie99 wrote: Fri Sep 13, 2024 12:55 pm

Hex wrote: Fri Sep 13, 2024 12:07 pm I’m probably not going to kill myself unless something really horrible were to happen to the people closest to me in my life. I’m 34 years old, and I’ve gotten thru some worse parts in my life (though unfortunately I think the worst parts are yet to come with the current political climate). I’ll probably get thru this episode and feel better. But it’s both cathartic to type this all out, and I have this drive to want to inform people what my life is like. My parents never thought they’d have an autistic trans kid that struggled with severe depression and anxiety. I wish they would have.

I may not always reply, but I always read this, the cancer thread, and the sobriety thread. Someone's listening.

Me too.

I'm glad you're feeling better, FM Hex.

I'm glad you're feeling better, hex. I'm paying close mind to your posts, and am thinking about you.

I do think it's important for us all to remind ourselves that we're not really a specific 'state' of being, but a continuous flow of moods, physical states, and circumstances. When I'm feeling good, I try to enjoy that feeling with gratitude, knowing that feeling is temporary. When I'm feeling down, I also try to remind myself that it's also temporary, and to give myself the compassion I would extend to any thoughtful, feeling person.

A few things that always seem to help me when I'm feeling down are physical movement, rest, time in nature, connection with friends and loved ones, and disconnection from anything over which I have little control. I think the news and current events, politics in particular, fall into the latter category. Yes, we should all stay aware, do what we can to lift each other up, fight for equal rights, and lament their erosion and absence, but giving those things too much sway over our immediate daily lives, other than how they inform our actions, can be so, so detrimental.

Looking out at the state of the world and thinking 'this is all so fucked' is very much the appropriate perspective much of the time these days. Looking at ourselves and thinking 'I should be doing better' is the chorus of self-loathing. Life is fucking HARD, especially when lived fully, and we are all way too judgmental about how we internalize that fact.