I’ve been undergoing esketamine therapy the last couple months and unfortunately it isn’t helping and my depression has been getting steadily worse. Am going to try ECT next on the recommendation of one of my partners who says it has helped her a lot but am still waiting to hear back from my doctors regarding a referral. In the meantime I’ve been struggling like I never have before. I’ve been cycling through extreme anger regarding the universe for being so horrible and sadness at all the suffering in it and hopelessness that things will get better barring the end of the world. I have to push myself so hard just to get out of bed and I’ve finding less and less enjoyment out of making and listening to music. Pretty much the only thing that reliably gives me joy is spending time with my loved ones but I’m struggling to pull myself out of depression for even that and I’m scared that they’ll leave me as I become less active and interesting to be around. I’m struggling financially and have been fighting for disability income for almost 8 years now, with a third hearing coming up next week after having been denied by judges twice since I first applied years ago. I’m so tired of it all. To top it off I’ve been struggling with long covid this entire year and I just started coming down with yet another cough and I’ve been hacking my lungs out as I’ve been crying while typing this. I have the means to kill myself but I don’t want to hurt my loved ones and I feel trapped. I’m in so much pain and it feels like it’s only a matter of time before it becomes unbearable. Hospitalization is absolutely out of the question—I’ve been hospitalized over a dozen times and it hasn’t helped and I’ve been mistreated by staff and last time especially was absolute torture and I’d kill myself in a heartbeat rather than have to go through that hell again. I don’t know what to do, I wish so much I never existed in the first place

Spend all the time that you can with your loved ones and don't worry, they won't leave you for becoming "boring" or whatever.

Unfortunately there's no magic fix for your problem. keep movin. Try to do stuff, even if you don't feel like it; Practice some sport, read books, get you a dog... try all the small things within your reach to at least have your mind a bit busy.

And never lose hope, I know a couple of people who spent years in DEEP shit and now they live a rather nice life.

Take care.

Hex, I don't know what to write that won't sound pithy or preachy. I just want to say that I think you are tough beyond belief. I can't imagine what life would be like if I saw some of the dark things I feel about myself literally reflected back to me (undeservedly) from a hostile environment. I don't know what it takes to weather that. But you obviously have it, though you didn't wish to have to develop that I'm sure. And I know that the price for the toughness was trauma. You must be nice to be around because you obviously have various kinds of love in your life and have found your people. I am just wishing you whatever you need to ride this out, a change in fortune, some well-deserved detachment, good news, or whatever would make life more bearable right now.

love you Hex

Thanks so much for the kind words. One of the hardest parts of this is that so many things about my life are really good—I have the support of people I love dearly and who would have no reason to stick with me if they didn’t like me, I’ve accomplished a lot in multiple fields, and I no longer have a lot of internal dysphoria or low self-esteem, but I’m still saddled with depression. It’s a truly awful disease.

I’m going through a major living situation shakeup right now—I was living with my two partners, one of my partners’s partners, and a friend, all crammed in a small two bedroom/one bathroom apartment. For almost three years I just lived with one of my partners and it was really wonderful, but then a series of events involving housing losses led to everyone else moving in within a span of a couple months. It honestly wasn’t bad, I loved living with everyone and we got along really well, but it was definitely cramped. Today my friend moved out a mile down the street, and next week my partner who I had previously been living with for three years is moving out with her partner only a ten minute walk away, which will leave just me and my other partner. I’m definitely gonna miss living with my one partner but she won’t be far away and it’s going to be a lot easier to manage things now that over half of us have moved out. So I’m hoping my mental health will improve a bit soon.

I'm glad you will have more room to breathe! It was good of you to help your friends have a home and I'm glad they got something of their own.

I want to kill myself so bad, I hate this horrible world so much. I don’t believe in free will and have empathy for everyone but I hate how ignorant and selfish the majority of people on this planet are and how they keep perpetuating suffering. Every day I wake up it’s a gamble on whether I’m gonna be depressed or have massive anxiety or be threatened or a horrible thing happening to me or a loved one and I hate it so fucking much

Stick around.

To anyone who's contemplating The Big Picture, and doesn't like what they see, try easing away from all that and focusing on something smaller. Easier said than done, especially for a brainier type of person, and I'm hardly one to talk, but there's a way of shifting one's focus from "what all of this adds up to" to something more rewarding and immediate. That could be an ice cream cone, or funny cat videos, or a fun game, a nap, your significant other or a friend, a bike ride, a stand-up comedy video, music or a movie, and so on.

These can be trying times. Political threads here reflect this, as do many recent headlines. But all of these quandaries and issues and complications don't encompass all of human experience, the full potential of personal emotions. We are not "our problems" exactly, at least not all the time, in most cases. I don't care to belabor it, but a shift in focus can do wonders.


[Edited for spelling.]

DaveA wrote: Thu Oct 24, 2024 2:54 pm Stick around.

To anyone who's contemplating The Big Picture, and doesn't like what they see, trying easing away from all that and focusing on something smaller. Easier said than done, especially for a brainier type of person, and I'm hardly one to talk, but there's a way of shifting one's focus from "what all of this adds up to" to something more rewarding and immediate. That could be an ice cream cone, or funny cat videos, or a fun game, a nap, your significant other or a friend, a bike ride, a stand-up comedy video, music or a movie, and so on.

These can be trying times. Political threads here reflect this, as do many recent headlines. But all of these quandaries and issues and complications don't encompass all of human experience, the full potential of personal emotions. We are not "our problems" exactly, at least not all the time, in most cases. I don't care to belabor it, but a shift in focus can do wonders.

I totally agree with this sentiment.

I’m currently sitting in a room waiting for immunotherapy drip and chemo stomach jab… a
Although I’m one if the more active political posters here I definitely engage in a lot of simple pleasure focusing. When I was diagnosed with my particular non metastasizing form of blood cancer I had to make some very deliberate mental health decisions.

I’m a reasonably emotional person at the best of times but luckily prior I’d developed decent meditation practice which was immensely beneficial. Primarily to have the ability to get in between thoughts to stop them overwhelming me. But I also really do look for simple joy in basic stuff. It’s autumn here, it’s been incredibly mild but there’s still a riot of leafs hitting the pavement and in trees. I never paid much attention but now I’ll actually stop and make sure I remember “I got to see that”. The same goes for a lot of things.

I don’t know what to do, I’m seeing several therapists to help deal with my PTSD but I’m constantly lapsing into anxiety attacks whenever a transphobic political ad comes on or other shit which means I basically have to avoid the vast majority of the internet including YouTube and it just fucking sucks. I’m ok most of the time but then stuff like that triggers me and I lose it. Looking back at the last post I made in the politics topic and I feel so awful, but it’s so infuriating how some of the most powerful people in this country want to exterminate me and my loved ones and the largest opposition party doesn’t even have the spine to speak up explicitly for trans people.