Going through life I guess we change quite a bit. I've changed, but not always to better. Now I'm in therapy and trying to find myself and recognize all the unhealthy patterns and beliefs. I was just wondering if you sonewhat wonderful people had any insight to change?
I've noticed through out the years some trolls have turned into actual people and some have gone the other way.
Re: How we change
2In the process of the first active change in some time, after the most recent cycle of 'things'. Can't say I like it much, but when things are untenable then change is the only option. Only natural to meet some unease along the way.
at war with bellends
Re: How we change
3Good post suggestion.
I thought about this a lot this summer.
I'll assume you're asking about things subjectively, so I'll answer that way.
I had some behavioral shit about 18 years ago or so that I needed to adjust in a major way or I wasn't going to be able to live the life that I both wanted (in spite of my behavior) and that people who depended on me also wanted (namely, my eldest kiddo). It took a major shakeup, an ultimatum, and some sincere therapy to even get rolling on a different path. Typical male-in-modern-culture shit. Avoid therapy or addressing and issue, and instead bury it with booze and whatever else.
Booze was the big one.
What I learned that i would care to pass on at all is this: Take full responsibility for the dumb shit you do while ALSO recognizing that it does eminate from something you haven't dealt with. Yes, booze rules and it a shitload of fun (I liked myself when I drank to be honest; not sure others would have said the same), but when it slips over into that other amorphous area, well, that's a talk you have to have with yourself I suppose. I would never, ever tell anyone not to drink, but I'm also here if anyone wants to talk about it.
AA didn't do shit for me and honestly bummed me out, but I am so glad it is around for people for whom it really works. In short, or TLDR, I am a better person for fully accepting responsibility when I was behaving in a way that hurt people's feeling, and I think my closest people would agree. What a fucking lightbulb.
And all of that said, this is something you have to do in earnest and cannot be faked.
I thought about this a lot this summer.
I'll assume you're asking about things subjectively, so I'll answer that way.
I had some behavioral shit about 18 years ago or so that I needed to adjust in a major way or I wasn't going to be able to live the life that I both wanted (in spite of my behavior) and that people who depended on me also wanted (namely, my eldest kiddo). It took a major shakeup, an ultimatum, and some sincere therapy to even get rolling on a different path. Typical male-in-modern-culture shit. Avoid therapy or addressing and issue, and instead bury it with booze and whatever else.
Booze was the big one.
What I learned that i would care to pass on at all is this: Take full responsibility for the dumb shit you do while ALSO recognizing that it does eminate from something you haven't dealt with. Yes, booze rules and it a shitload of fun (I liked myself when I drank to be honest; not sure others would have said the same), but when it slips over into that other amorphous area, well, that's a talk you have to have with yourself I suppose. I would never, ever tell anyone not to drink, but I'm also here if anyone wants to talk about it.
AA didn't do shit for me and honestly bummed me out, but I am so glad it is around for people for whom it really works. In short, or TLDR, I am a better person for fully accepting responsibility when I was behaving in a way that hurt people's feeling, and I think my closest people would agree. What a fucking lightbulb.
And all of that said, this is something you have to do in earnest and cannot be faked.
happy transgender remembrance day
4I like change. I probably don’t do enough of it.
Last edited by hbiden@onlyfans.com on Wed Nov 20, 2024 11:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: How we change
5In the last 5 years especially..
Prioritize things that:
-Get me active and outside especially earlier in the day
-Allow me to socialize with a handful of people vs. being part of a dense crowd
-Avoid hyper-stimulation (excessive loudness or visuals, limit device and social media time, etc.)
-Also avoid alcohol. True, bars have gotten better about NA stuff but it's still 'bar culture' and I sort of hate it.
These are not always positive, or at least convenient, changes especially being active in a music scene for so long, but this is where I've arrived and just have to make it work.
Prioritize things that:
-Get me active and outside especially earlier in the day
-Allow me to socialize with a handful of people vs. being part of a dense crowd
-Avoid hyper-stimulation (excessive loudness or visuals, limit device and social media time, etc.)
-Also avoid alcohol. True, bars have gotten better about NA stuff but it's still 'bar culture' and I sort of hate it.
These are not always positive, or at least convenient, changes especially being active in a music scene for so long, but this is where I've arrived and just have to make it work.
Re: How we change
6Yeah, subjectively, of course.Isaac wrote: Wed Nov 20, 2024 10:22 am Good post suggestion.
I thought about this a lot this summer.
I'll assume you're asking about things subjectively, so I'll answer that way.
I had some behavioral shit about 18 years ago or so that I needed to adjust in a major way or I wasn't going to be able to live the life that I both wanted (in spite of my behavior) and that people who depended on me also wanted (namely, my eldest kiddo). It took a major shakeup, an ultimatum, and some sincere therapy to even get rolling on a different path. Typical male-in-modern-culture shit. Avoid therapy or addressing and issue, and instead bury it with booze and whatever else.
Booze was the big one.
What I learned that i would care to pass on at all is this: Take full responsibility for the dumb shit you do while ALSO recognizing that it does eminate from something you haven't dealt with. Yes, booze rules and it a shitload of fun (I liked myself when I drank to be honest; not sure others would have said the same), but when it slips over into that other amorphous area, well, that's a talk you have to have with yourself I suppose. I would never, ever tell anyone not to drink, but I'm also here if anyone wants to talk about it.
AA didn't do shit for me and honestly bummed me out, but I am so glad it is around for people for whom it really works. In short, or TLDR, I am a better person for fully accepting responsibility when I was behaving in a way that hurt people's feeling, and I think my closest people would agree. What a fucking lightbulb.
And all of that said, this is something you have to do in earnest and cannot be faked.
Taking full responsibility is scary. I try to own my short comings, but it's not easy.
I've noticed that recognizing your strenghts or anything good is also hard. Depression, for me at least, buries those things deep in me. I don't drink to bottle feelings, but I've yet to recognize what I do instead. Eating is one of those mechanisms, that's for sure.
It's weird to have those "yeah, duh" -lightbulb moments in therapy, when you've actually known that shit for years, but haven't really known it.
I'm at that point that I don't know what is me and what is trauma. Looking forward coming out the other side. Hopefully as a better person.
Re: How we change
7Biggest plus in the last several years for me: take myself as an individual much less seriously and my fleeting coexistence with the rest of the universe more seriously.
Re: How we change
8Man! Great topic.
I think for me the biggest factor has been acknowledging that change is inevitable. The last few years, since finally bottoming out in many facets of life, I've become focused on being deliberately involved in that change, while recognizing I don't control everything. Being aware of who I WANT to be, but making the process the important part, not the destination. Quitting drinking, leaving the restaurant industry, applying for disability, making an effort to be an active member of all the communities I've found myself in. All I know is I'm a much more satisfied human now that I can actually let myself be present for my fellows.
I think for me the biggest factor has been acknowledging that change is inevitable. The last few years, since finally bottoming out in many facets of life, I've become focused on being deliberately involved in that change, while recognizing I don't control everything. Being aware of who I WANT to be, but making the process the important part, not the destination. Quitting drinking, leaving the restaurant industry, applying for disability, making an effort to be an active member of all the communities I've found myself in. All I know is I'm a much more satisfied human now that I can actually let myself be present for my fellows.
Re: How we change
9Agree - good topic - pretty on point seeing all the global changes happening now also…
I’ve learned to like change instead of feeling challenged by it. Now I’m middle aged I feel the most “whole” version of me yet - more sure of who I am, more confident and have learnt from experiences. Some of this poss due to some therapy, other aspects just from life and natural maturity. I can honestly say I really didn’t “grow up” until at least 45 - in the sense of just not being a well developed person with any kind of emotional intelligence - still a way to go there!
It’s an amazing feeling to be aware of confidence and knowledge- not in a smug way, just in terms of being a better rounded person. I think it also sharpens my perceptions of other people and helps general communication too…
Other important changes:
- be healthy and take care of yrself
- be more thankful for new social opportunities (I used to shun these or make no effort)
- no more alcohol
Getting older has definitely made me more determined about the person I want to be into the future, whereas in the past I just don’t think I ever really cared or even thought about it
I’ve learned to like change instead of feeling challenged by it. Now I’m middle aged I feel the most “whole” version of me yet - more sure of who I am, more confident and have learnt from experiences. Some of this poss due to some therapy, other aspects just from life and natural maturity. I can honestly say I really didn’t “grow up” until at least 45 - in the sense of just not being a well developed person with any kind of emotional intelligence - still a way to go there!
It’s an amazing feeling to be aware of confidence and knowledge- not in a smug way, just in terms of being a better rounded person. I think it also sharpens my perceptions of other people and helps general communication too…
Other important changes:
- be healthy and take care of yrself
- be more thankful for new social opportunities (I used to shun these or make no effort)
- no more alcohol
Getting older has definitely made me more determined about the person I want to be into the future, whereas in the past I just don’t think I ever really cared or even thought about it
Re: How we change
10Good point, and rereading what I wrote I don't know if most of it is actual change or just embracing qualities that were already there. Even the drinking part probably stemmed from insecurities or perceived social pressures to be a certain way.Iancee wrote: Thu Nov 21, 2024 3:39 ammore sure of who I am, more confident and have learnt from experiences.