I see personal change happening in relationship to standard life stage things. This is one of the many cases where just because an experience is typical, doesn't make it any less profound.

I think the two major phases for me were college and my 30's. I've sort of plateaued from my late 30's into my early 40's. I had to grow a lot before that to become a husband and a dad. I found that being a creative type in my 20's did little to train me in how to be a partner. It's taken some work to integrate the two, but necessarily so because I seem to be built with an innate need to be both.

Luckily for me my middle aged body has forced moderation in my relationship to alcohol. I enjoy 1-2 drinks on occasion but even that little leaves my sleep and morning energy off track enough that I won't partake for days after.

Beyond just a general sense of maintaining empathy (thanks for instilling that in me HARD, Mom and Dad) and being able to grow and learn through listening to others and learning about their experiences (honestly, I was able to evolve from homophobic Catholic school kid just through meeting some actual gay people in college and realizing "oh, so what I was taught was bullshit, ok cool"), I would say that the last 8 years of Tr**p plus pandemic has REALLY given me a load of perspective when it comes to what really matters in life. Boy howdy, I did my best to be entertaining while trashing bands I didn't like just a decade ago. Now? Fuck do I care if you like Vampire Weekend? The world is a trash fire -- if something gives you joy, who am I to stomp on it? (I mean, I still think they suck, but I'm just quieter about it now.)

Yeah, I dunno...empathy, education, interaction with other diverse human beings in real life: if you have the ability to tap in to those things, there's hope for you, no matter what other shit gets in the way, i like to think.

I try to engage more with people and say things like "Hello" and "Goodbye". That sounds weird, but I've learned in the past couple of years that I just never did that... and my parents never do that either, it's just taught into me. My wife brought it up and thought it was odd that I am not good at saying Hello, more than anything. Part of me felt like it didn't matter, more on the anxiety around social interactions, but also a negative feeling of self-worth (keep quiet, don't bring attention to yourself, etc etc). It seemed pretty normal to me, but now that I do say Hello and make a point of doing it, I realize how odd it is not to say it. Goodbye is tricky, I will still ghost in a large setting.

Another thing is trying not to be a smartass all the time. It was fun while I was younger, and I certainly made a lot of friends being one. However, now that I'm older, it just feels tiring. I watch my father still being a smartass in his 70s and it's more annoying than funny and I can see my step-mom being frustrated with it. I just don't want to be that way anymore. I try to be more warm and inviting.

Overall, I've been having to relearn social interactions. I was bullied a lot as a kid and didn't have a very fun or invigorating childhood, which clearly has had an effect on my life. Having children also made me seriously reevaluate things about myself so that I could be better for my children. I'm still me, just less intense and more understanding, I guess.

Oh man, there is a lot that resonates with me here.
Being a smart ass? Yeah, check. I'm trying not to try to make people laugh. It is super tiring and annoying. I find it hard not to do in larger settings.
I was also bullied as a kid, so that's probably where it comes from. Making a clown out of myself, often on my own account.

I don't either want to put down other people's favorite bands anymore, even if they were shit. I don't push my taste to people either. At some point I realized that taste is subjective and some people might think that the music I listen is shit. Who would've thunk?!

It's also good to hear that people have "grown up" later in life. I'm turning 40 soon and I feel like a teenager. Not physically, unfortunately, but mentally.
I lost both of my parents this year and that have made me think about them a whole lot. I've always thought of them being adults, proper grown-ups, but now I'm realizing they were just kids when they had my older siblings and very broken people who tried their best and fucked up often. Hence the therapy!

DrAwkward wrote: Thu Nov 21, 2024 10:35 am ...I would say that the last 8 years of Tr**p plus pandemic has REALLY given me a load of perspective when it comes to what really matters in life. Boy howdy, I did my best to be entertaining while trashing bands I didn't like just a decade ago. Now? Fuck do I care if you like Vampire Weekend? The world is a trash fire -- if something gives you joy, who am I to stomp on it? (I mean, I still think they suck, but I'm just quieter about it now.)

I was pretty much gonna say exactly this. If someone can find joy in something I might not like, that's great. Maybe I should consider their perspective, maybe they're on to something. Maybe they know something I don't. Or maybe they've just had a different life/exposure than me.

DrAwkward wrote: Thu Nov 21, 2024 10:35 am...I would say that the last 8 years of Tr**p plus pandemic has REALLY given me a load of perspective when it comes to what really matters in life. Boy howdy, I did my best to be entertaining while trashing bands I didn't like just a decade ago. Now? Fuck do I care if you like Vampire Weekend? The world is a trash fire -- if something gives you joy, who am I to stomp on it? (I mean, I still think they suck, but I'm just quieter about it now.)

I was pretty much gonna say exactly this. If someone can find joy in something I might not like, that's great. Maybe I should consider their perspective, maybe they're on to something. Maybe they know something I don't. Or maybe they've just had a different life/exposure than me.

Shananiganz wrote: Thu Nov 21, 2024 11:47 am I don't either want to put down other people's favorite bands anymore, even if they were shit. I don't push my taste to people either. At some point I realized that taste is subjective and some people might think that the music I listen is shit. Who would've thunk?!

i'm going to let you all in on a little secret.
nobody really cared what we thought about rhcp, or interpol, or billie eilish (wow spelled it right on the first try) anyway.
i mean that in a good way.

hbiden@onlyfans.com wrote:

DrAwkward wrote: Thu Nov 21, 2024 10:35 am...I would say that the last 8 years of Tr**p plus pandemic has REALLY given me a load of perspective when it comes to what really matters in life. Boy howdy, I did my best to be entertaining while trashing bands I didn't like just a decade ago. Now? Fuck do I care if you like Vampire Weekend? The world is a trash fire -- if something gives you joy, who am I to stomp on it? (I mean, I still think they suck, but I'm just quieter about it now.)

I was pretty much gonna say exactly this. If someone can find joy in something I might not like, that's great. Maybe I should consider their perspective, maybe they're on to something. Maybe they know something I don't. Or maybe they've just had a different life/exposure than me.

Shananiganz wrote: Thu Nov 21, 2024 11:47 am I don't either want to put down other people's favorite bands anymore, even if they were shit. I don't push my taste to people either. At some point I realized that taste is subjective and some people might think that the music I listen is shit. Who would've thunk?!

i'm going to let you all in on a little secret.
nobody really cared what we thought about rhcp, or interpol, or billie eilish (wow spelled it right on the first try) anyway.
i mean that in a good way.

Exactly that. Also it's kinda tiring to hate stuff. I still do it, but it takes it toll.

Believe me, I see and laugh at the irony here.
CRAP vs NOT CRAP - is it crap?

"Gee, you guys all dig some shitty band? That's awesome. Carry on, fellows."

Change isn't always cumulative. Sometimes it's just radically switching direction, dropping something and taking up something completely different. Or something unexpected happens that rearranges coordinates and things that seemed significant aren't anymore. Sometimes a solution to a problem comes not by spending time at it until you arrive at the end, but by happening upon some other perspective which removes the need to even ask the original question.

Fuck. I like to think I’m relatively self aware. I know I need to be a little less harsh in a lot of social situations, maybe develop some sort of poker face. Hopefully people take my bullshit with a grain of salt and can tell when I’m being genuine.

If anything, I’ve become LESS patient and less tolerant of oblivious, selfish behavior out in the world and I regularly point this out loudly to the perpetrators. I know it doesn’t make a difference for the most part, and probably, letting it roll off my shoulders would be beneficial. I’d say at this point I am completely incapable of working for an employer that is not me. I’m repulsed by any sort of ‘ladder climbing’, or people who strive to gain social, financial or political power and influence.
Maybe I’ve devolved.