I offered to send them some money for the trouble. They took me up on it and I sent a decent amount. Maybe that was a mistake, I don’t know, I don’t really care, am just gonna try to not let this happen again.

jimmy spako wrote: Fri Dec 06, 2024 10:23 am

Hex wrote:I even finally won my disability case after 7 years of fighting

Congratulations, that is good news.

Oh fuck yeah it is! I know it’s hard to celebrate this right now, but getting disability is such a hard slog and everyone who perseveres deserves a trophy.

Don’t beat yourself up over the friend situation. You did what you could out of the goodness of your heart, and sometimes that results in things we wish hadn’t happened, but you’re a good kind person and that is its own reward because you can and should be very proud of yourself.

jimmy spako wrote:And thanks for the wonderful post upthread, Johnny Boombats.

Cheers, I hope it’s helpful for big c and anyone else dealing with grief or loss.

jimmy spako wrote: Fri Dec 06, 2024 10:23 am

Hex wrote:I even finally won my disability case after 7 years of fighting

Congratulations, that is good news.

THIS IS HUGE HEX!!!!

You were asked a BIG favor,and realized you couldn't do it, after agreeing, so you backed out. So you took care of yourself first, and offered to help in other ways that worked with your life. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong in my opinion.

ChudFusk wrote: Fri Dec 06, 2024 4:09 pm Cheers, I hope it’s helpful for big c and anyone else dealing with grief or loss.

Very helpful. In some ways, I'm so mired in the reality of divorce, and all of my marital failings and distress, that it's difficult to consider feeling positive or hopeful. I've felt so much failure and negativity for so long that the feeling of hope, progress, or evolution seems so foreign - so difficult to trust.

I've spent some time with a woman recently who has ignited in me an unfamiliar feeling of hope and attraction. She is divorced and has a young son, so I'm trying to temper my enthusiasm and protect the sense of self I've worked so hard to create the last few years in an attempt to be thoughtful and slow, instead of sloppy and needy. I resisted the urge to engage physically over the weekend, opting instead for a long hug and 'I really enjoy your company and would love to spend more time with you'. But now I feel like a doofus and a dickhead all at the same time. But also a little giddy to have had that feeling and managed it honestly.

Life is so fucking complicated, and my brain is so unreliable.

bigc wrote: Mon Dec 09, 2024 10:34 amVery helpful. In some ways, I'm so mired in the reality of divorce, and all of my marital failings and distress, that it's difficult to consider feeling positive or hopeful. I've felt so much failure and negativity for so long that the feeling of hope, progress, or evolution seems so foreign - so difficult to trust.

Remember that at one point in time those feelings were the norm. Once you are in a situation that consistently triggers those feelings, it will become the norm again, and faster than you would expect. Of course there will first be resistance, the hesitance to let yourself feel hopeful and comfortable and safe. On a cognitive level this is because you want to avoid confirmation of your fears, but once they are disconfirmed you will settle back into your old ways, which is something to be cautious about as well, but that's something to work on in the future. For now you have to intentionally do things that will disprove your self-defeating beliefs, and that requires taking chances. Otherwise you will build a cocoon of safety around yourself like so many middle-aged singletons that I know, and become trapped in there with your loneliness.

bigc wrote: Mon Dec 09, 2024 10:34 amI've spent some time with a woman recently who has ignited in me an unfamiliar feeling of hope and attraction. She is divorced and has a young son, so I'm trying to temper my enthusiasm and protect the sense of self I've worked so hard to create the last few years in an attempt to be thoughtful and slow, instead of sloppy and needy. I resisted the urge to engage physically over the weekend, opting instead for a long hug and 'I really enjoy your company and would love to spend more time with you'. But now I feel like a doofus and a dickhead all at the same time. But also a little giddy to have had that feeling and managed it honestly.

Here's a chance to take intentional risks! Godspeed!

bigc wrote: Mon Dec 09, 2024 10:34 amLife is so fucking complicated, and my brain is so unreliable.

Learn as much as you can about how your brain works and I guarantee it will seem less unreliable! It's actually more consistent than you think, but the user interface can be confusing.

Chud, I'm very grateful for your posts. Thank you.