David. I’m not sure I can offer much other than my complete sympathy and having been through a divorce a little bit of advice.

The first thing to say is as hard as it is now, everything changes and things will improve. In a situation like this it’s easy to think it will be like this forever. It’s going to suck, but it won’t suck forever and you will see joy in your life again.

Having been through this a long time ago the one thing I was happy I managed (everyone is different) was I never turned it into a bitter fight and no matter the emotional fists that were thrown at me I never retaliated. It’s fucking hard to do and you might not be able to hold the line but if you can… it sounds like you’re settled that there’s no coming back and that your marriage will end, so you need to think about how things are going to progress. You have genuine material concerns that sound like huge stressors. Keep those in your mind. My wife and I owned property together and I knew if it turned into a Kramer vs Kramer everyone would lose. Quadruple that since you have a kid. No matter how angry and frustrated I was I avoided fights. If you have neurodivergence all this might sound like an impossible task…

I think the plan you laid out to Cakes is solid. Try as much as you can to keep everything about the numbers and you’ll hopefully make it out the other side. Once you’re there you’ll feel happy again.

Just my experience, hopefully some insight there.

Take care and post / vent as much as you want to about this.

I have nothing to add that hasn't been said except I wish you and your family the best. You'll get through it.

I’m so sorry, David.. and all of you who have had to go through a divorce.

I have not, but..

I went out to dinner with my two sisters earlier this week. Just got the sense that none of the three of us are truly happy in our marriages. That makes me sad, too.

Don't have anything new to add but yeah, getting divorced even when it's "easy" (no kids, minimal shared property, etc) it can be a drag. I was lucky to live in a state where it was fairly easy and didn't even require a court date.

I will say that based on your situation with the house, you having been a SAH parent, income disparity between you and your spouse, etc it seems like you should start at least looking into getting a lawyer so you're not scrambling at some point if she lawyer's up.

As shitty as it can be, as long and crappy as it can drag on...I don't know anyone who down the road has regretted getting divorced and hasn't come out of it feeling better about it.

Stay as sober as possible. Start a meditation routine if you don’t already have one. Exercise. Have a way to express your anger, be it through journaling, therapy, or playing loud music with friends. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THE FIRST PERSON YOU START DATING.

There are lots of other people out there going through divorces. There are lots of people out there to talk to. I was dating someone who was also fresh off of a divorce, and neither of us knew what the fuck we were doing, but I found our time together comforting.

I REPEAT- DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THE FIRST PERSON YOU START DATING.

My best advice is to not post too many personal details here or anything that could be used against you until it is all signed off on and done. Anyone can read this.

El Protoolio wrote: Fri Oct 10, 2025 5:30 pm My best advice is to not post too many personal details here or anything that could be used against you until it is all signed off on and done. Anyone can read this.

Bringo

Dave N. wrote: Fri Oct 10, 2025 4:36 pm Stay as sober as possible. Start a meditation routine if you don’t already have one. Exercise. Have a way to express your anger, be it through journaling, therapy, or playing loud music with friends. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THE FIRST PERSON YOU START DATING.

This is great general life advice.

i know nothing of you personally so please take this in the generic way it is intended...

the sooner you can heal yourself the sooner you can concentrate on your kids. because they didn't ask for this. things are going to change. some you can control and some you can't. first thing i said was it's not their fault. then go from there.

any other advice i can give will be age dependent and custody related. but you get the gist.

So much has happened since originally posting this. We are in mediation. We met with a "Financial Neutral" The whole process has felt biased against me and my situation...

Recently my wife has demanded that I agree to a "stop the clock" date for our separation, admittedly because she wants to cut things off before we hit the 20-year mark of our marriage in order to not be on the hook for a longer Maintenance/Alimony period.

****
Under New York's maintenance guidelines (DRL § 236(B)(6)), the advisory duration of maintenance payments is expressed as a percentage of the length of the marriage. The brackets are:
Up to 15 years: 15% to 30% of the length of the marriage
15 to 20 years: 30% to 40% of the length of the marriage
More than 20 years: 35% to 50% of the length of the marriage
So for a marriage of 19 years and 9 months, the advisory range would be roughly 6 to 8 years of maintenance. For a marriage just over 20 years, the range would be roughly 7 to 10 years.
****

She's saying I need to agree to stopping the clock before May 13th (our anniversary) or she will not agree to keeping the house... which is the scenario we are currently trying to make work... This along with other non-negotiables she's demaning a lot of this feels like coercion.

Can anybody here speak to this or offer advice? I'm supposed to give and answer today. I feel like I am being asked to answer under duress. I would agree to the cutoff date in good-faith if we are still agreeing to keep the house, because my business and financial health are tied to the house (workshop, studio, community, proximity to my warehouse and manufacture, etc.) But if things cannot be reconciled to keep the house and I need to sell and relocated my financial situation and future becomes a whole other ball of wax that I might need the longer Maintenance for... but I fear stating my own condition to nullify the stop-date agreement might stir the pot further.

I could use some thoughts... also, does anybody know a good lawyer for counsel and to review the mediation agreements? I'm in NYC.


Thanks guys.