they have Bottle Openers for sale at the merch table.

(my Fiance's ex's Band. And they kick ass)

You know it's a good sign when their guitar player is one of those masters of poetic melancholy, able to construct majestic cathedrals of sound guitar dream to express love in its purest form.

Hmmm..I'm not so sure about that. The Cocteau Twins still blow.

When you can tell, right before the first note, that they're driven - that they mean it, whatever it might be.

I got that from Yow when I saw him, from the P-Funk All-Stars when I saw them, and from Easy Action when I saw them.

If the band has no interaction with the audience while setting up, and refers to the soundboard guy as "slave."

If the singer is shirtless before the first song, and is sweating profusely by the first uttered word. Also, if the singer has a habit for spilling his bandmates' drinks.

If the band's on stage, ready to play but they can't find the lead singer because he's in the men's room snorting crystal meth.

One of the band members being butt naked. I've never heard this happening and the show being bad.

Missing teeth.

I used to be in A band that would throw 200 rolls of toilet paper and hand out free White Castle hamburgers to the audience. When you see some dude carrying all this "gear" towards the stage, you knew that it was going to be awesome.

If the band isn't fat old guys dressed in tight girl pants.

If a band includes Matt Kadane.

If your band does not involve Matt Kadane, consider the very real possibility that your band sucks.