short review of handshakes:

standard

standard with xtra-hard grip (indicates small penis size)

standard with left-hand stabilizer (a/k/a 'the clinton')

standard with left-handed shoulder grip. modified man hug. not bad for those awkward moments with people you almost know well enough to hug, or people who live in your town whom you haven't seen for a while.

dead fish. can be funny, can be annoying. or both. often stereotyped as 'gay,' but can also indicate heroin habit. best if done w/clammy palm.

three-step 'soul brother' shake. i always like it when someone throws this at me and i manage it well. i think it is funny. it's one of those rare things that is so uncool, it comes out the other side and becomes cool again.

two-step soul--the above without the 'two-knuckle clinch' at the end. it's ok, unless the two-knuckle clinch is replaced by that move where the guy pulls the guy towards him and chest bumps him, with their arms in between them (a/k/a the 'will smith move').

four-step mock-soul shake with the flying bird at the end. bad shake. it's gilding the lily. really, it mocks the already-perfect three-step shake.

the one where you rub the other person's palm with your middle finger, to see if they are interested in a little hoochy coochie

the left-hand wraparound, which is erik hoverstein's 'gay' handshake. someone sticks out his right hand, and you take it with your left--thumb pointing down, four fingers towards the right side of your body and thumb towards the left side of your body. very gay.

the two-finger shake, which is my 'gay' handshake. someone offers you their whole hand, and you only offer your right thumb, index, and middle finger. try it.

i can't think of any more, but i think shaking hands is honorable. except your doctor. don't shake your doctor's hand.

nothing pleases me more than a good, firm handshake between friends or strangers.

I still dislike the "dead fish", but recently I seem to be always shaking hands w/ people whose grip is designed to bring me to submission. Yes, you can break my fingers w/ yr supergrip, yes I am impressed and I will easily agree to whatever you have to say. Please let go.


Please, don't crush the Classical's hands. Thank you.

Shaking hands shows a lot of character. I believe in a good, firm handshake. But keep those 'brah' or 'bro' shakes away from me.

What about sweaty hands? How do I manage that?

And forewarned if I ever meet some of you in person...

my dad is a large man, and he taught me the value of a good firm handshake.

my favorite handshakes are shared with chad nelson at touch & go.

To get around the problem of sweaty palms I would suggest filling your pockets with chalk. Simply dig deep into your pocket before an impending greeting - or to safeguard against surprise handshakes always keep your right hand in your pocket.
DO NOT combine the handshake with a pat on the back however.

the Classical wrote:nothing pleases me more than a good, firm handshake between friends or strangers.

for cryin out loud, get yourself some good oral sex!

One of my favorite euphemisms for masturbation is "shaking hands with Abraham Lincoln". Although I'm not really sure what it means.

I also like "tethering the blimp". Although I'm not really sure what that means, either.

Bradley R. Weissenberger wrote:I also like "tethering the blimp". Although I'm not really sure what that means, either.

You ever tethered a blimp? If you had, you'd know what it means. Oh boy, would you.

The Abraham Lincoln one is just silly.

i think it's supposed to be "shaking hands with the unemployed"

or

"wrestling with picard"

i got a million of 'em.