Everyone in this town has a boyfriend, can't think of anyone here who I have a shot with, my band got passed over for a local festival, nobody wants to play on a bill with us in one town, and no club owner wants to hit me back in another. Just a rejection-y time for me, despite otherwise having a bunch of good stuff going on in my life. Usually, I handle it by thinking, "OK, this is a tap on the shoulder that I'm not exactly at my potential, this is where I can improve," and get a plan going.The point where this is bumming me out, though, is that I feel like I've hit a wall. I should work out more; I should read more and broaden my horizons; I should live more; I should write better music. Just having a hard time finding the juice and figuring out where to start.Who knows, maybe a jog tonight will knock it right out of me.

goatlord wrote:I struggle with the same things you struggle, kokorodoko, when you are in depression is hard to see that good things are good. It seems simple, really, but the brain doesn't want to accept that tautology. Good things somehow hide some kind of terrible reality...You're right, and especially in this:Maybe the problem is that we ask some kind of catharsis out of everything that happens to usThis is very much how I am used to see things. Looking for that one situation that will turn everything around, or that one person who will just get me. In reality things have resolved themselves in bits and increments, in ways I didn't expect and in ways I can't even pinpoint how they happened or when. The earlier episode passed shortly thereafter. It is enough to be with the beautiful things that are right now, for the moment.

I'm having trouble just lately with trusting that anything is ever going to get better from now on, for me or for the world at large. I've been so low-energy for months, too, though that is partly my own fault. These thoughts and feelings are exhausting in themselves, and repetitive. Ugh. :{

jimmy spako wrote:Sorry, just needed to share it. Can't bring myself to tell my girlfriend that second thing just right now after talking about the first a lot this weekend. Want to leave her in peace with the baby for a while.Jesus, Jimmy, sorry. Really really horrible thing to go through.I know fuck all about fuck all, but you sure about not talking to your girlfriend about it? My guess is she'd want to know, plus it's going to affect you and how you are with the baby and all. Don't suffer alone. Don't build up walls, particularly at the start of a family - it's such an emotional time on its own, and when something like that happens, my gut says you should be as close as possible, for everyone's sake. But it's not like I'm an expert or a counsellor or anything.Strength to you and yours in these dark times.

Oh PRF, I've got a really heavy heart over the last couple days and need to share it.Family things.A very young family member has been experiencing severe depression and very concrete suicidal ideation. In part due to bullying and social issues, in part due to other everyday mundane environmental stuff I don't want to go into, but that is heartbreaking to witness, thematic constellations you can trace through multiple generations. Seems to be out of the deepest woods for the time being. Trying to re-initiate regular contact with him from afar, we have a good connection (and honestly the stuff he's going through mirrors lots of stuff from my childhood and I hope I can help untangle some stuff if the time ever comes). One of my sister-in-law's sons from a previous relationship, the one that doesn't live with her and my brother, accidently backed over his two and a half year old half-brother and killed him over the past days. Kid slipped out of the house apparently, quickly, too quick to notice. Absolutely, utterly heart-breaking. Find myself trying to repress the thought because it's just too awful and at the same time wanting to be there for my brother and hold that kid (he's maybe a year out of high school) in thought if that has any meaning. Pulling for him. Wrote my brother and will try to talk to him today.Sorry, just needed to share it. Can't bring myself to tell my girlfriend that second thing just right now after talking about the first a lot this weekend. Want to leave her in peace with the baby for a while.

Dudley wrote:jimmy spako wrote:Sorry, just needed to share it. Can't bring myself to tell my girlfriend that second thing just right now after talking about the first a lot this weekend. Want to leave her in peace with the baby for a while.Jesus, Jimmy, sorry. Really really horrible thing to go through.I know fuck all about fuck all, but you sure about not talking to your girlfriend about it? My guess is she'd want to know, plus it's going to affect you and how you are with the baby and all. Don't suffer alone. Don't build up walls, particularly at the start of a family - it's such an emotional time on its own, and when something like that happens, my gut says you should be as close as possible, for everyone's sake. But it's not like I'm an expert or a counsellor or anything.Strength to you and yours in these dark times.Thanks, Dudley, and you're absolutely right, I just didn't want to say anything this morning. Found out last night from my sister. Wanted to wait a little to not hit her in the morning, will tell her later on. We don't know these folks personally. I haven't met my sister-in-law yet, she's a very recent addition to the family and I haven't seen any family in over five years (long story as to why not, but too boring to go into here), though we are in touch a lot these days. Really hurting for my brother and his partner and thinking about how that kid is suffering and has to carry this for the rest of his life. Only know the kid through his mom's FB posts and such. She's with him now. Will call my brother later, as I can best help him, so he can be there for her, so she can be there for her son. The other news of the last days, the first thing, is pretty deeply saddening and much closer here, because it feels like certain cycles go on, we never quite get off the wheel, but then who does. I am fortunate and alright here, but it makes me think of what's in store for me, the fact that you can't block out suffering for others, even if you have learned to live with it yourself. I think about that a lot already anyways.

Frank Decent wrote:I feel awful and I'm not quite sure why. I feel like my body is constantly vibrating and I can't seem to regulate a comfortable temperature. I never feel warm. I have to wonder if it's due to me weening myself off Risperidone. My doc said it's a low dose, so there's not much danger but I can't explain these awful sensations. I did have two caffeinated drinks this morning, and I've limited my caffeine intake to almost zero, so maybe I'm just experiencing my body reacting to not having it and then having it, but this also has been going on and off for a few weeks. I don't weird. Weird.You could Google tapering or weaning or withdrawal, if you haven't already, for this med. I found doctors to be really very painfully misinformed when it comes to tapering/withdrawal process. When I was trying to wean off Effexor, my doctor recommended a totally useless and idiotic method of taking a full dose one day, a half dose the next, a full dose again, then half dose again, etc. This sort of Sawtooth method was intolerable and clearly she didn't have a clue as to what the withdrawal from that Med is actually like. There are online support groups for pretty much any kind of psych meds and getting off of them. Not that it's the be-all-end-all, but feeling like s*** and knowing that at least you're not alone makes it a little better and sometimes you can get some good tips so you feel like you can help yourself in the process.Unfortunately, I'm not convinced our Psych doctors really know how to get us off any Med that they have prescribed to us. Have some nice calming tea, avoid the caffeine, stay warm, maybe a nice hot bath and try to sleep a lot. If it gets really horrible, you may want to call your doctor, see if there is anything they can do for you to make this less difficult, but unfortunately I wouldn't expect much, unless you have a really good, really experienced and practical doctor. In the meantime, know that we're rooting for you, hopefully this won't be a long drawn-out process.

rayword45 wrote:I don't deserve anything.Actually, what you deserve is to not feel that you are undeserving. Me too.

I feel awful and I'm not quite sure why. I feel like my body is constantly vibrating and I can't seem to regulate a comfortable temperature. I never feel warm. I have to wonder if it's due to me weening myself off Risperidone. My doc said it's a low dose, so there's not much danger but I can't explain these awful sensations. I did have two caffeinated drinks this morning, and I've limited my caffeine intake to almost zero, so maybe I'm just experiencing my body reacting to not having it and then having it, but this also has been going on and off for a few weeks. I don't weird. Weird.