A few days ago a girl I work with told me she used to think that steak was an animal. It nearly made me piss myself.

By far the dumbest person I've ever known was a girl I used to work with when we were both 19.

She was spectacular. She once told me she'd really like to be a genius, "like Bob Dylan or Mariah Carey".

One time I talked her through how to use a cash point.

She told me that she thought chicken was "vegetarian".

One time, me and a friend were bored at work and he'd found up a picture of a "micro-penis" on the internets. She walked in the room and gasped, horrified. Was it the 1/2 inch penis in front of her that struck her as odd? No. She exclaimed "what's that weird sack thing?!?!"

That's right, she didn't know what testicles were.

My personal favourite was when I once came in on a Monday morning to find her looking a bit depressed. The conversation went as follows:

NB: This girl was Jewish (this is vital to the story).

ME: You alright Kate? You look pretty down
HER: Yeah, I had a really bad weekend.
ME: What happened?
HER: Well, I went to this Bar Mitzvah for my cousin, and I had to do this bit where I explained the symbolic significance of certain things...
ME: And?
HER: Well, I was really stressed and nervous, and it got to this bit with some water, and I couldn't remember what it was for, so I blurted out.:

"And this water symbolises the tears of the baby Jesus"

ME [after desperately attempting to regain composure]: And... well.. I guess they weren't very happy about that, were they?
HER: No. Apparently, Jews don't believe in Jesus.



Unbelievable.

simmo wrote:
NB: This girl was Jewish (this is vital to the story).

ME: You alright Kate? You look pretty down
HER: Yeah, I had a really bad weekend.
ME: What happened?
HER: Well, I went to this Bar Mitzvah for my cousin, and I had to do this bit where I explained the symbolic significance of certain things...
ME: And?
HER: Well, I was really stressed and nervous, and it got to this bit with some water, and I couldn't remember what it was for, so I blurted out.:

"And this water symbolises the tears of the baby Jesus"

ME [after desperately attempting to regain composure]: And... well.. I guess they weren't very happy about that, were they?
HER: No. Apparently, Jews don't believe in Jesus.

No way dude, I call shenanigans. This is a sketch you wrote.

Rotten Tanx wrote:

simmo wrote:
NB: This girl was Jewish (this is vital to the story).

ME: You alright Kate? You look pretty down
HER: Yeah, I had a really bad weekend.
ME: What happened?
HER: Well, I went to this Bar Mitzvah for my cousin, and I had to do this bit where I explained the symbolic significance of certain things...
ME: And?
HER: Well, I was really stressed and nervous, and it got to this bit with some water, and I couldn't remember what it was for, so I blurted out.:

"And this water symbolises the tears of the baby Jesus"

ME [after desperately attempting to regain composure]: And... well.. I guess they weren't very happy about that, were they?
HER: No. Apparently, Jews don't believe in Jesus.

No way dude, I call shenanigans. This is a sketch you wrote.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=rYFQZFL0yoo

Rotten Tanx wrote:

simmo wrote:
NB: This girl was Jewish (this is vital to the story).

ME: You alright Kate? You look pretty down
HER: Yeah, I had a really bad weekend.
ME: What happened?
HER: Well, I went to this Bar Mitzvah for my cousin, and I had to do this bit where I explained the symbolic significance of certain things...
ME: And?
HER: Well, I was really stressed and nervous, and it got to this bit with some water, and I couldn't remember what it was for, so I blurted out.:

"And this water symbolises the tears of the baby Jesus"

ME [after desperately attempting to regain composure]: And... well.. I guess they weren't very happy about that, were they?
HER: No. Apparently, Jews don't believe in Jesus.

No way dude, I call shenanigans. This is a sketch you wrote.

Swear to God my friend. I've just tried to add her as a friend on facebook actually. I also sent an email to a friend who also worked with her, asking if he has any other stories - he has a better memory than me!

Shenanigans! Shenanigans!

(Where's my broom?)

Colonel Panic wrote:When I was in about 6th grade, there was a girl in my class who said that Jewish people had tails. She truly believed this because her grandmother had told it to her and she knew her dear old gramma would never lie.

Up to that point in her life, she had never knowingly met a Jewish person.

I had a college roommate who asked me where my horns were.

I thought she was joking, so I told her that I had them surgically removed several years earlier.

She nodded, knowingly, and said "That must have hurt."

ERawk wrote:Oh, how could I forget my former co-worker, MC Pee Pants?

She was named MC Pee Pants because one day I was walking past where she sat (talking on the phone for 20 minutes) and she sounded just like MC Pee Pants. I think I also dubbed her porpise because she had a cackling laugh that sounded like a porpise. Her teeth also had porpise qualities.

I don't be advocatin' demons, man! Drilling into Hell? Where you get that shiz-nol?!

I knew a girl who thought that the small rocks in her mother's garden bred and multiplied.

arthur wrote:(long ago) I've known a guy in south of france that had called his "brutal death" band Cafard. Wich means coakroach in french. Soon after this wonderful idea, he insisted that everybody should call him Cafard too.
I guess the advertising campain worked, because ten years later I remember everything about that local superstar:

"-Hey guys, do you know that band, they seem to play a lot lately...like eight times just this week...
-What?
-that band, do you know them?
-what band?
-Well, this one, here:
the paper said:

lebikini club
shellac + guest
that band + guest
this one band +guest
rock group +guest
pop band +guest
another band +guest
etc

He had just earned himself his new secret name: Guest .

I used to kinda know this hippie guy who played music in his basement with his older brother. They called themselves "Spiney Norman" after a Monty Python character (very original, no?) and never played a paying gig but that never stopped this guy from constantly talking up his band to anybody who would listen.

One night he showed up late at a club called Avalon. He walked up to me and asked me how the opening band, "Spies Who Surf" had sounded. I said, "They weren't bad."

Knowing he was really into the Floyd, I let him know they'd played a cover of "Interstellar Overdrive". At this, his eyes widened and he asked me, "Was it really psychedelic?"

I told him, "Not really. They have more of a surf-rock, spy-movie sound."

He said, "Man that sucks. That's an insult to the music," then he wandered off to get a beer.

Later on, I was at the bar chatting with Tommy Klein, guitar player for Spies Who Surf, when the hippie guy walked up. I introduced the two of them and when the Spiney Norman dude realized who Tommy was, he immediately lit into him.

"I heard you guys performed a disrespectful, un-psychedelic cover of 'Interstellar Overdrive'."

Klein replied, "Oh, I wouldn't say that. I've always loved Pink Floyd. What did you think of the rest of our stuff?"

Spiney Norman guy admitted he hadn't even heard them play. Tommy asked, "So, are you a musician?"

Another guy who was standing there also knew Spiney, and he chimed in, "Yeah. His band is called TBA. Maybe you've seen their name around town."