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I don't deserve anything.

Rayword45 I don't know what you're going through but I do know that thought and I hope you remember that thoughts are not necessarily true - they're just mental events. You're a human being and you deserve love and respect. Catwoman: thanks for your input. I took my risperidone last night and today I feel completely different. No shakes. Body temperature seems better. I realize this is just anecdotal bullshit but it is coincidental. I have good reasons to wanna wean myself off of it but I must admit that the respiridone, in concert with the prozac has gone a long way in getting me to a more emotionally stable place.

I just feel alone. I have friends who care about me and a family that loves me, yet I still feel alone. I'm completely socially retarded. I've burned a lot of bridges over the years and some with people I'll have to see often. I want to repair those bridges, but people are stubborn (we both wronged each other, why can't they see it from the other side? Jesus fuck people). I'm jobless, lazing around without purpose, waiting for a goddamn callback and I don't even have the morale or energy to hit the gym. Anxiety strikes me hard at times and I can't form new relationships.I just want to stop being socially retarded. I want depression and anxiety to get the hell out of my life. Most of all, I want to learn how to fucking focus, because my ADD riddled mind makes focusing on conversations impossible at times. What a combo of disorders. Meditation helps sometimes but I even lack the willpower to do that consistently.I'm surprised how coherent this came out (I think) normally when Im drunk this would be a barrage of typos

Give it a rest, AMWT.

Angus Jung wrote:It's best to do away with the entire dumb concept of deserve asap.I'd agree, however there is one thing that chronically depressed people deserve- self-forgiveness.I mean, how can one forgive others if they cannot forgive themselves?

A\_Man\_Who\_Tries wrote:Answer Boombats, matthew.what exactly does this add to the conversation?

Yesterday was the worst day I've had in at least 6 months. For the last couple weeks I've been trying to wean myself off of Risperidone by taking it every other day. Well, my brain and body didn't like that. Started getting night sweats, nausea, and some other crap. Finally it came to a head yesterday afternoon. I had gotten almost no sleep the night before and I know that played a part.I got stuck. Couldn't do anything. Didn't want to do anything. Couldn't get outta bed. Started having irrational thoughts. Started having dark thoughts. Sometimes I still have them but they've been way in the background, and I usually don't notice or get bothered by them. Suddenly I wanted to die. I kept fantasizing about how I'd do it. I started thinking about getting a knife and cutting myself, something I promised I'd never do again. At least we had a plan. Lisa checks in on me throughout the day. I told her I was stuck and that I wanted to die or go back to the hospital. Luckily, her boss let her come home and she was able to help me get straight and ride it out, with the help of Clonazepam. So, I took the Risperidone last night and today I feel fine. Even went skateboarding. So, I guess I'm stuck with it.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement, folks. Yeah, the only reason I wanted off it because of the side effects. But I'm working on solutions to those. You're all correct of course.