This could almost be in the mental health thread, but here goes.
I did my first 200k brevet yesterday.
https://www.strava.com/activities/10087763545
What is a brevet, you ask? There is a semi-obscure form of organized but non-competitive cycling called randonneuring. It began in France over 100 years ago, and there's still one club in France that oversees all the global, official randonneuring organizations. There are rides of specific length, and the shortest "official" length is 200k. The rides are done at specific times, and there is a set of rules for riders. There are checkpoints along the way and you have to prove that you made it to these checkpoints. There are visibility and lighting requirements. There are both minimum and maximum ride times for your ride to count and be put in the official books.
Because of this, randonneuring seems to appeal to a very specific kind of person. most regular cyclists either want to race, they want exercise for a specific amount of time, or they want to go out and have fun. Randonneuring might be the trainspotting of the cycling world. Riders want to do these official, sanctioned rides, get their names in the books, get awards for doing a series of rides, and sometimes quality for the big global events. Yet no one NOT in this world knows or cares about this world. Anyone can get on a bike and ride a stupid distance at any time, but randonneuring is a world where riders want to be able to prove to other people in this world that they did some grueling events.
I'm drawn to this weird world. I often go out and ride my bike 20-30 miles to explore, hang with friends, and get some exercise. It's great. However sometimes, for some reason, I want my rides to count for something. I want the challenge of saying "I'm going to do X at Y time and it will be hard", and then I go do X at Y time and it is hard. Then it gets reported in the journals of the randonneuring world, for no one to see but other weirdos in this world.
Here's where I struggle. I get mad at myself for caring. Frankly, I've never really gotten along with other people in this specific subset of cycling. They seem tedious, aloof, pedantic, self-important, and/or maybe on the spectrum. People were polite, but no one seemed to want to be friends. Am I like that? I've been known to get into my esoteric interests and sometimes unintentionally block out humans or social opportunities. While these rides have fun elements and are quite gratifying, they are not really done for fun or even pleasure. It's billed as non-competitive, but I still get a competitive vibe. I looked at the results from yesterday's ride and I was the last finisher. While it's seen as non-competitive, it still kind of made me feel like shit. No one won, but I did the worst.
I did very much enjoy riding through the California landscape, committing to a big challenge, and then completing the challenge. I worry, though, that the things that I don't like, the things that rub me the wrong way, are strong reflections of the elements of my personality that I don't like.
So that's where I am; proud of myself for my longest ride yet, slightly bummed that I was the worst participant on the day, and bothered that I'm giving credence to this esoteric form of structured cycling.