Angus Jung wrote:Angus Jung wrote:It's best to do away with the entire dumb concept of "deserve" asap.To clarify:Every living person deserves food, shelter, health care, and a decent living.People don't get good or bad things in their lives because these things are 'deserved' by some arbitrary criteria that exists in their brains.phpBB [media]

1. An American girl who started talking to me on tinder that shared many of my same interests and was going to be in my city for 10 days had to bail a few days before she was set to leave. Even though I was nervous about the whole situation it really disappointed me2. I have a strong crush on one of my best friends. One of her friends seems to have picked up on it and now I feel like I should tell her when I hang out with her next. I don't expect her to return the feelings and hope it doesn't damage the friendship3. I haven't gotten laid or properly been with a girl since my last breakup a year ago. I missed an almost clear opportunity to kiss a girl I find really attractive last weekend out of nerves and self-doubt. This same girl brought me and the aforementioned friend I have a crush on back to her place a couple of months ago and seemed to want a threesome. My friend stopped her advances and was really drunk (and most likely didn't want anything to happen) so it's good that nothing happened. But it seems to indicate that she had that interest in me and I may have blown any chances by not seeming interested in her.4. My work department (at a supermarket) shut down a few months ago, telling me they'll relocate me to stocking shelves at night. I haven't been given work in months and have contacted them lately half-heartedly. 5. I still haven't gotten my driver's license at 21. I have about 20 hours left to do (due to the 100 hour practice system in Australia) and it's frustrating me how little time my family has to help me with this.6. I've finished my psychology degree but have no idea where to go from here.7. All of this is making me incredibly frustrated and depressed. I've been sleeping horribly and have little to no energy during the day.8. I've basically planned to engage in self-destructive behaviour to cope with these things. I'm planning on going out on the weekend and not turning down drugs and dangerous amounts of alcohol, which is dumb9. I have trouble letting friends know the whole picture because some of it embarrasses me10. I feel like a chump posting this stuff here but a lot of people here are really wise and I read this forum a whole lotI don't know where to even start with this shit.

Thanks Janeway. Great post. I gotta get out of that self-pity - self-destruction cycle for sure and it actually gave me a lot of perspective. I'll try to just have fun this weekend and not obsess too much or at least not make any rash decisions. Being 21 is fucking weird.

Yesterday was bad. I could feel the signs but I ignored it as I had shit to do. At the end of the day I was a mess. Totally spiralling into dark bad shit. Luckily I had Lisa to help me go through my mindfulness tools and ride out the wave instead pushing against it, which only makes it worse. Woke up feeling good and ready for the day. Love to you all.

Composer that I was somewhat friendly with, couple years younger than me, ended his life a couple weeks ago. We weren't close friends or anything, he was in a relationship with a friend of mine for quite some time, that's how I knew him. He made a point of coming to a couple shows and was really generous with his support, somebody who got it and was kind and warm. Like the taxi driver who would remember his friendly, interested fare I remember him for that, strange as that may sound. Most people aren't like that. I liked his music quite a bit. It feels like one of the shadow squad didn't make it out this time, I don't know, that's just how I feel, one of us didn't make it, succumbed, went under, and I am sad and probably scared. I'm not particularly anxious there days, not acutely, for which I am very grateful, but over the past half year it has hit home that this digging myself out of a hole every day and brooding on death whether I like it or not is not going to go away, probably ever. I know how to do that digging though and I am not alone fortunately. I feel like the savage beast music and such things were expressly made to tame too, you know what I mean? Lots of anger, rage even, for no really good reason. Why do we say "to dig yourself out of a hole"? Maybe that is the problem.If you're feeling at your limit, reach out best you can, including here.

jimmy spako wrote:Why do we say to dig yourself out of a hole? Maybe that is the problem.To dig oneself out of a hole implies that you have fallen off the right path, that there is a state of normalcy, of sanity; of happy, peaceful everyday life; or even a state of fulfillment that is supposed to be, that you percieve as being, part of regular everyday existence but you yourself are struggling to attain. I need to get out of this dark place and get back to normal.But what if normal does not in fact offer any solace, only more anxiety, more stress, more falsity? What if the fulfillment on offer doesn't even appear a goal worth striving for?Life, as it stands, does not in any of its incarnations seem to be about life at all, but merely about endurance.What if these things are actually impossible to attain under present conditions? If that is true, then that is in fact a hopeful thought.

briefly: it is indescribably exhausting to fight my demons every day and wake up with nothing gained. nothing worse but nothing better. an even level of hell.

I just learned that there's a psychology branch called Existential Psychology. I stumbled upon it when I was reading about anxiety, and the article pointed to a youtube video about Existential Anxiety. After doing a bit more reading about it, it's a bit more than what's the point of it all?. I suspect that many of the times my anxiety goes into high gear, and I feel like, why bother?, and my depression kicks in, this existential thing may be in play. Hell, I was hoping it was just bad biochemistry....

^"Thinking you understand clinical depression because you experienced situational sadness is like thinking you know Italy because you went to the Olive Garden."- Paul Gilmartin

I'm depressed in Stockholm,and feel worse that i'm too tired and sad to make the most of today. I'm less than a week into my solo travel to Scandinavia and i've had aome great times so far but my mood changes at the drop of a hat. I'm too socially anxious to meet people and hang out with anyone so i've been getting street food and walking around at night. I'm looking forward to the rest of the trip but i feel so shit that i'm still depressed and having suicidal ideation in a place i've wanted to go to for years.